He seems to have a great offensive mind and his track record at UMass, Brown and New Haven on the offensive front is astonishing. The praise being thrown his way by guys like Bill Cowher and Andy Reid are also fairly significant and his former players seem to like to throw out the “genius” tag when talking about him.

The only thing that makes me have concern is the fact that it seems a bit odd for someone to be have been in the coaching business for as long as he has without getting any true big-time opportunities, especially if he’s deserving of the overly-used genius moniker. Then again, there could be numerous reasons other than lack of ability that could cause something like this to happen. It’s not like he’s getting any automatic Rooney Rule interviews.

First, he fumbled inside his own god damn 5 yard line. Take care of the fucking ball you fucking moron! Just take the sack or throw it away, don’t run around with the ball loose like the world’s biggest moron. His idiotic fumble resulted in a Cal TD that gave them a 24-17 lead with 2 1/2 minutes left to play. So, he has a shot to make up for it, right? Well, yeah, except his idiotic play continued.

It began with our retarded offensive coordinator starting off with a straight run play, that netted us nothing and took some time off the clock. Then Jacory, dinked and dunked it 3 times to gain 9 yards and a first down while taking a minute and a half off the clock. Then the brainless wonder takes off running and instead of just stepping out of bounds like he had a clear shot to, he cuts it up field and takes off another 30+ seconds off the clock. He waisted 2 minutes just to gain about 15 yards. Pure genius. I hate him and blame his retarded ass for us losing to Cal.

EDIT: January 15, 2009 — Now that some time has passed, my hate for Jacory has faded. The truth is that it was a fairly meaningless bowl game that the team was expected to lose and, as is the norm with me, I often just get too worked up over any game the Hurricanes lose. I’m back to being a Jacory fan and am now anxiously awaiting for National Signing Day to see if the Canes can land another solid top 10 class!

Winslow got 30+ yards bringing his point total up to 4 and Lindell made a couple of extra points bring him up to 9; this made the score 67-66 in my favor after Dawson made that 56 yard FG to give the Browns the lead with 93 seconds left to play. I was actually hoping that Dawson would’ve missed because then the Bills would’ve just run out the clock but he made it with plenty of time left for Buffalo to get into FG range. Then the idiotic Romeo decided to squib kick it and put give the Bills prime field position near mid-field and the Bills quickly marched into FG range. I was absolutely livid. I was thinking that he would surely make the kick and I would lose to one of our league’s worst teams 69-67.

But then when the Bills were lining up for the field goal I thought to myself “wide right” and then I typed “WIDE RIGHT” in my aim chat window to Dave Toole. Then the announcers started talking about “wide right” in the Bills lore…and then…Lindell missed the kick “wide right” and I squeaked out a 67-65 victory! And unless the official scoring changes between now and this morning, I will be sitting pretty at 8-3 and with a playoff spot potentially locked up!

The one apparent downer to my fruitful football weekend, which began on Thursday, is that my fantasy football team has a very precarious 15 point lead over one of the worst teams in the league, with that team still having Winslow, Randle El, and Lindel to play. He also has the Cards D going right now while all I have is 2nd string Mewelde Moore. If I lose this game, it was be heartbreaking given the competition and the fact that I got home 1 minute too late and was stuck with BenJavus Green-Ellis who I was going to bench in favor of either Ted Ginn Jr or Lance Moore (15 and 16 points respectively) if Sammy Morris was cleared to play, which he was. I ended up with 0 points in that slot instead of at least 15. The late work day on Thursday just might cost me a victory that I was favored to win by 51 points. Sad Christmas if that happens.

The Miami Hurricanes took care of business against Wake Forest and still have an outside shot at the ACC title or at least being bowl eligible. The Dolphins played great today and beat down the Buffalo Bills, with Ginn Jr finally showcasing his playmaking ability. And that’s not all, my fantasy football team scored 109 points and barring a 40+ point outburst by Scaife on MNF should up its record to 6-2 and into a three-way tie atop the division.

And in what might quite possibly be the best news of the weekend, I weighed-in this morning at 299.6 lbs. Hopefully I won’t ever allow myself to go up past the 300 mark ever again for the rest of my life. If I do, I give you permission to put a bullet in my head. It feels good to be back under 300 lbs and I can’t wait till my wrist and ankle/foot heal up so I can start getting back into the gym on a regular basis.

They were sloppy and made so many mistakes throughout the game, but this team is so young that I’ve come to grips with the fact that I need to expect those things. What impresses me is the tremendous amount of talent I see from our freshmen and the fact that they never gave up in this game. I’m proud of my baby Canes. It’s, still, all about the “U”!

The offensive play calling once again sucked. Patrick Nix sucks. The bringing in of Jacory Harris for a few drives yet again killed our offensive momentum and cost us points. I really like the kid and think he can be a good QB for us down the road, but he’s not ready yet and I’m beginning to hate him because the coaches keep using him. The only player that looked like a Cane out there was Cooper and maybe Epps. All the rest just choked and just cracked under the pressure in the 4th. Despite my hopes for an ACC title game appearance, we may be headed for another losing season.

I still think they have the talent to actually compete in the A(wful)CC but they better start showing they have what it takes on the “inside” to be a truly great football team or else this could end up being another disappointing season. We also can’t just overlook the fact that they dominated the Aggies like this last year, too, and it was pretty much the only game the offense looked good in all season. I am very optimistic about this team and I’m hoping it’s just growing pains for a very young squad, but they’ve still got a lot to prove to me before I start believing the Canes are really back.

That said, the offensive play calling was absolutely atrocious. The team might have a chance to compete in the ACC this year but only because the conference is horrific right now. They will never compete on a national level with Patrix Nix calling the plays and running the offense. He sucked at GT and he’s been atrocious at UM. I’m a Randy Shannon fan but he screwed up mightily by keeping this guy around.

Then there’s the Dolphins. The post-game announcers kept on talking about how the team showed a lot of promise and that Pennington showed leadership in driving them down the field and putting them in position for a come from behind victory. Umm, why should I be happy with that? The team lost six games last year by three points or less. What good did that do? They lost this one by six. Why should I be happy with the fact that Pennington had four shots from inside the 20 to WIN the game and couldn’t complete a pass? Sure, I believe he was a good pickup and I believe the team is on the right path for success but I’m not going to be happy until they actually start winning these types of games. And that goes for both the Dolphins and the Hurricanes.

The team is also a lot of fun to watch and are loaded with talent — even beyond the three first round draft picks. I haven’t honestly been this excited about watching them since the old school Ron Fraser days when guys like Phil Lane and Greg Ellena were knocking balls out of the park and they were doing things like using the hidden ball trick to help lead them to a title. Win or lose, 2008 is looking like it’ll go down as a great sports year for me. Let’s go Canes!

Dear Dave:That last update gave me 3 things to write to you about.

1. Enchanted. Great movie. I felt kind of homo for seeing it in theaters with another dude, but I liked it a lot. What ‘d you think?

2. Lost Odyssey. What do you think? I’m guessing your marathon session means you’d recommend it, but I feel like its reviews have been somewhat mediocre. But, I haven’t played a good JRPG since FFXII 6 months ago and haven’t played one with a traditional-ish battle system since Xenosaga III more than a year ago, so I am intrigued and want to know what you think about it.

3. Miley Cyrus. Dude, she’s total jailbait and you should just embrace it. I still watch the Disney Channel (something I don’t usually publicize since I’m 21), and a couple years back, I saw a preview for Hannah Montana and saw her strutting her stuff. I thought, “Wow, she’s pretty hot. I wonder how old she is.” So I IMDb-ed her, found out she was 13, and felt really awkward and creepy. Since then, I’ve come to peace with my creepiness and just accepted she’d be worth breaking the law for… Side question, how do you find out her/all other famous celebrity’s weight? It’s not on IMDb, so I feel like its secret info that you just somehow have access to.

Well, that was really long, but whatever, I guess it’ll make your Dear Dave more interesting.
– VK (Chicago, IL)

Dave Z: Well, here goes…

1) Seeing that with another dude is slightly homo unless you missed school and/or work to see it and you obeyed the 1 seat straight buffer. But, yeah, it’s definitely a bit on the Swiss side, but a damn good movie nonetheless. I had zero intention of watching it and was gearing up to hate on it after being forced to by my roommies, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience even though none of the chicks were hot. Some of the shit that came out of their mouths just cracked me up like you wouldn’t believe. It was genius at some points.

2) I love Lost Odyssey. I read the reviews and don’t agree at all with the majority of them. So many bashed it for being a traditional-style Japanese RPG and that’s honestly what about it that makes my cooch moist. There’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned battle system and it shouldn’t be bashed just because it’s not “next-gen” in that respect. I actually hate a lot of the “next-gen” type improvements that are being put in some of the newer RPGs.

Instead of bashing it for not being innovative in this respect, give it some praise for doing what it does really well. At least for the first 30 or so hours of the game, you really must use your head and be strategic how you fight most enemies — not just bosses. You get rewarded for fighting intelligently rather than just doing all attacks and whatnot.

I also love how they dealt with the one of the major issues that face practically all RPGs — the leveling up/grinding and how it affects boss battle difficulty. Again, for the first 30 or so hours of the game, there really is no level grinding because of the way they handled the experience points based on where you’re at in the game. Most dungeons have a base level that they think you should be at and if you’re below that, your characters will basically go up a level every single battle until you’re there. But when you’re past it, the experience points earned and levels gained are minimal so you won’t get overly powered for the next level.

This helped create an extremely balanced play experience for most of the game. I say most because there is a point towards the end where you can grind and get high enough of a level and get enough skills where most enemies, including the final boss, is a cake walk. Nevertheless, the developers should get major props in the form of Jessica Alba blow jobs for doing something so “innovative” for solving this problem in RPGs. The other way that it’s been tackled is to always have the monsters’ levels based on your party’s levels and that just never worked out all that great. Anyway, I really enjoyed the game and think it’s a must-play for fans of JRPGs.

3) I honestly do. I write some shit to keep the feds off my back. Plus, I’m of the belief that celebrity females don’t count when it comes to certain laws. They’re fair game! So, yeah, I’d take the prison sentence to hit that.

As far as the celebrity weights, let’s just say that when a girl sits on my face I can guess her weight down to a tenth of an ounce. It’s one of my super powers.

Dear Dave: So how pissed where you after the Canes lost yesterday? Was it as bad when they got jobbed by the ref against OSU??
– Carlos (Miami, FL)

Dave Z: I actually wasn’t the least bit pissed at all and enjoyed the game (at least the last four minutes) tremendously. I even gave my boys a standing ovation after the final buzzer because they deserved it for the amazing season they had. It was a lot of fun watching them play and to see them get wins in both the ACC & NCAA tourneys was hella dope. I couldn’t be happier about the season they gave me.

Dear Dave: You seem to like all sports, this include NASCAR? If so, like any drivers?
– Rogg (NC)

Dave Z: I enjoy NASCAR quite a bit. I think it might be partially due to my 6+ years of living in Dover, DE where the population increases tenfold whenever there’s a race at Dover Downs. As far as the drivers, I’m a fan of Jeff Gordon mainly because I everyone seemed to boo him and hate on him, so I thought it was fun to cheer for him. Plus, he’s a damn fine driver. I also like seeing Tony Stewart win cause he’s an ass and I like that about him.

Dear Dave: My girl won’t let me do her in the bum. I’ve never done it before but wanna see what it’s all about. Any suggestions on how to get her to let me?
–Anonymous

Dave Z: First things, I hope you’re not using the word “bum” when you ask for it. If you are, being a bit more Alpha-male about things and just saying, “listen bitch, I’m fucking you in the ass tonight, you best eat light today and consider getting yourself an enema,” might help your cause.

If the aggressive approach isn’t your style and you don’t think you could pull it off convincingly, then my suggestion would be to Pearl Harbor her ass. Just get her drunk to the point where she’s half-asleep, get her to have consensual drunken sex with you and then do a sneak attack on the back door and claim that it was an accident if she has issue with it. Most likely she’ll be too drunk to care or better yet she’ll enjoy it and want it more. Good luck!

If you would like your question answered in a future update to “Dear Dave”, fell free to contact me.

The majority of the games have been blowouts and boring to watch, there haven’t been any real upsets and I’m already practically eliminated from my money pool even though the first day’s games aren’t even over. I’ve only picked 3 out of the first 7 correctly and the picks that I thought were stupid have proven to be just that.

I guess that makes me a genius in knowing that I was a moron in making my ridiculous picks. Knowing my luck, the first “upset” of the tourney will be Miami losing tomorrow. Although, I would honestly consider it an upset if Miami won. I really wish we weren’t seeded that high, an 11-13 seed would’ve been much more appropriate. A lower seed might have also helped our chances as weird as that may sound.

Anyway, I hope tonight (OJ Mayo vs Beasley!) and tomorrow proves to be much better. Regardless, I just adore that I can watch all this shit online while at work thanks to the NCAA March Madness on Demand on CBS Sports.

That said, once the Hurricanes started back up their college hoops program, they immediately became my co-favorite and were the team I’d always root for when both teams went head-to-head. This obviously proved to be unfruitful because Duke has always been heads and shoulders better than Miami, but I never stopped wishing for a different outcome. Well, the big upset has FINALLY happened and I’m very proud of my ‘Canes for toppling Duke 96-95 in last night’s thrilling contest. The win brings Miami’s record to 18-7 (5-6) and if they can finish 3-2 or better in the team’s final five games, they will likely be a lock for making the NCAA Tournament. Let’s go ‘Canes! Oh, and, let’s go Blue Devils (when you’re not playing the ‘Canes).

Dear Dave: I read with interest that your “friend” Porsche Lee Briggs was in a super bowl commercial with Peyton Manning. My questions are the obvious ones: what’s her story, how did you meet, what is the exact nature of your relationship, and, perhaps most important, why hasn’t she been named Babe of the Week? Because you don’t think she’s attractive enough? She seems at least reasonably “hot” in your flickr photos. Or because you don’t want her ogled by your fans? I thought you were an equal opportunity chauvinist, a man whose dedication to licentiousness transcended any and all personal loyalties. So, like, what gives? Also, will you participate in the California caucus/primary this week? Who are you supporting for Prez? Please don’t dodge the bullet with any of these questions, the way I know you want to.
– Jake Gittes (Denver, CO)

Dave Z: No bullets will be dodged by me in “Dear Dave” as long as they don’t infringe of the privacy of people other than myself. I’m fair game as far as I’m concerned.

I met her through some mutual friends on MySpace. Basically, I became really good friends with a few girls in south FL through MySpace and over time things just multiplied out of control thanks to all my various drunken vacations out that way. I actually didn’t meet Porsche in person until my last trip out that way when I got crazy stoned and then went to a sushi place for lunch. Her and Jackie’s “performance” to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s Baby Got Back while driving back from lunch will never be forgotten. It was classic.

I most definitely think she’s Babe of the Week worthy and I’m sure I’ll feature her one of these days. I’d just rather not at the moment because the traffic is still small since re-launch. I had a really good January, which saw more than 30,000 uniques to the new content, but I would prefer it to be above the 100,000 visitor threshold before I start putting up my worthy friends. It just seems like a waste otherwise.

I didn’t vote on Super Tuesday even though I wrote a post saying that everyone should. The main reason is that I’m a registered Republican and wasn’t too fond of any of the candidates in my party. If I could’ve voted for one of the Democrats, my vote would’ve gone for Barack Obama. If he runs, I think I’ll vote for him, which would be the first time I’ve ever voted or wanted to vote for a Democratic candidate for President. If Hillary wins, then I’ll probably be stuck voting for John McCain.

Although, I’m not even technically allowed to vote. My ass is a convicted felon and I’m not supposed to be allowed to vote until I have it expunged and I never got that done. Yet, I was somehow able to register to vote in California and it’s really hard to find details about my conviction because the privacy laws in Delaware are tighter than an Asian virgin’s hairy snatch.

Dear Dave: Hi Dave!, I recommend not getting a Playstation 3 unless your one of those gamers that need all three systems, because if you don’t get the 3 year warranty for $100 you basically screwed out of $400-600 dollars because i bought mine october 2007 it was a 60gb version and it costed me $500 and it died in 3 months, so im just saying don’t get one unless you tend to get the warranty!, take care!.
– John (MA)

Dave Z: I’ve been told that the new 40GB and 80GB models have changes that make them more reliable than the older models, so I’m not as worried about that. Plus, the track record for the Xbox 360’s is infinitely worse. However, I may heed your advice and get the warranties because that’s just too much money to be spending on anything and having it break. Thanks!

Dear Dave: I’m glad you liked my idea of a prequel to the Rambo movies in video game form. As for suing you…I wouldn’t dream of it as long as I saw a percentage . Anyways, I recently joined the Marine Corps, so if you need someone to do the motion capturing when you get started, hit me up.
– Bob Blount (Mansfield, OH)

Dave Z: I’m not afraid of you suing me now that I know you’re a Marine, I’m petrified of you finding my ass and killing me. To avoid that, that mo-cap idea sounds fantastic!

Maybe when you get out you can get into something like Airsoft. My friend/co-worker, Abe Navarro, got into those late last year and seeing his M4’s and handguns is making me want to get into the hobby. The only problem is that it seems like most that are into it are ex-military and ex-law enforcement. My fat, slow ass would be a big and extremely easy to hit target.

Dear Dave: The canes class looks dope! Coach shannon can obviously recruit, but is he going to be able to coach them to anything?
– Todd (Unkown)

Dave Z: That’s obviously still up for debate and his “coaching” during the first year was questionable at best. However, I love Randy’s attitude and think he’ll be much improved in his sophomore effort. I have high hopes for the future of the “U”.

Dear Dave: Where are all the nudessszzz?????

Dave Z: I’ve posted a few nudes with the Babe of the Week’s. Just check Jenn Sterger, Vanessa Hudgens and a few others. I just want to keep things a little less porn this time around to avoid the troubles. But, don’t worry, you will get a look at some naked ass tits tits tits every now and then.

Dear Dave: Did you ever get that receiver you were talking about? What’s it like? I wanna get one but IDK what to buy.
– Rog (Houston, TX)

Dave Z: I’ll write a review of it sometime within the next few weeks. My quickie is that it’s deserving of the great online reviews, but it’s not perfect for me. I think I need to design receivers for gamers.

Dear Dave: I fucking LOVED your advice for that guy that wanted his girl’s shit smooth. I LOL’d and nearly spit up all over my keyboard at work. As fucked up as it would be, I think it would work.
– Jamaar (Alabama)

Dave Z: It seems like it would work because it DID work. The best part is that I got a temporary tattoo so I’m not stuck with “I love Jenn” on my neck. By the way, she’s a lifer as far as bikini wax is concerned. I ought to collect royalties from all her future boyfriends, husbands or random sexual partners.

If you would like your question answered in a future update to “Dear Dave”, fell free to contact me.

Scout.com: #3 overall ranking, 7 top 100 players, 4 5stars, 7 4stars, & 18 3stars.
Rivals.com: #4 overall ranking, 2 5stars, 15 4stars, & 8 3stars.
ESPN/Scout’s Inc.: #1 overall ranking, 12 ESPN150 players (the most in the Nation)

What’s even more exciting is that Randy Shannon is doing a great job of creating a family atmosphere with the program and has been going after guys he feel are all about the “U”. The kids are extremely excited about being able to come in and play and are very confident in their ability to help bring the Hurricanes back to the top as quickly as possible. Randy is preaching this, the kids are eating it up and I’m becoming a believer.

One of today’s top signings was Brandon Harris of Booker T. Washington H.S. (FL), who is one of the most highly-touted CB’s in the country. It’s been rumored he’d pick the Canes for a while, but he made it official today and hearing this helped make today so exciting. Other late prominent additions to this recruiting class included Miami Northwestern’s OL Benjamin Jones & WR Tommie Streeter, as well as Palm Bay High’s Raymond Buchanon who had once committed to Miami, then changed to UF, and then finally signed back with us.

These four and a few others were added to an already impressive class that includes a plethora of potential studs, such as LB Arthur Brown, DT Marcus Forsten (the next Warren Sapp), QB Jacory Harris, WR Aldarius Johnson, LB Sean Spence, S C.J. Holton, S Vaughn Telemaque and LB Jordan Futch. For the most part, Coach Shannon did an amazing job of keeping as much of the south FL talent that he could home. Something that Larry Coker didn’t honestly care as much about.

Even though we’re coming off a horrific 5-7 season, I really think the influx of talent that this recruiting class brings will make an immediate impact. Winning the ACC and making a BCS Bowl game is definitely within reach given the fact that the conference has been in decline of late. And while it’s not an expectation of mine, I wouldn’t be all that surprised if we find ourselves in the National Championship. We just added a tremendous amount of speed and talent to the defense, a slew of big play threats at WR, and brought in a kid in Jacory Harris who will come in and compete with last year’s top recruit Robert Marve to see who’s our starting QB. It’ll be a young team, but when you add all these guys to what we have, such as our elite RB duo of James & Cooper, we should be able to compete with anyone.