Asking a girl to the prom

Ummmm, yo, what's up?   I'm just some lowly little freshman in my school and I have been trying to get my ass to prom. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm pretty well-liked by most people (managed to get that gaming habit under-wrap's). I know a lot of upperclassmen girls (my bro. is a senior), so anyway, I have already asked a lot of the ugly but-cool girls and been turned down, so, do you have any suggestions?     

Just looking for some help,
X

Dear X,

You've actually gotten past the big first step that a lot of guys can't seem to deal with -- you can't fear rejection. The sad, sad truth is that no matter who you are and how good you look you will face some rejection. The good news here is that once you know this, you won't let the fear of rejection stop you from asking and in doing this you will increase your chances of getting a "yes".

Since you've already shown that you have the balls to ask, let's move on to some more serious plans. First, you said that you know a lot of underclassmen girls, right? IF you know any of these girls enough to consider yourself friends, you ought to see if they're willing to help you out. One thing I've noticed about girls is that they tend to like you more if you're with someone else. So, if you can get a friend to pretend to be a girlfriend, it will make you more appealing to the girls that you ask to the prom. 

If that's not an option, my suggestion is to stop asking the ugly but cool girls and go straight for the really hot ones. And when you ask her make sure you do it in a way that'll make her think that she SHOULD go with you. You have to show confidence and if she says "no", just move on to the next girl. Don't stop until you've asked every single eligible young lady in the school. 

Assuming that you get turned down by each and every girl in the school, don't let that destroy your dreams. Go to prom, anyway...but now with REVENGE on your mind.

The first thing you need to do is find out where the after-prom festivities will be held. Depending on your school, it might be the hotel that the prom is being held at or it might be at some completely random place where a bunch of kids have decided to meet at. Just find out where you'll find the most post-Prom partying. 

With that knowledge, try and make your way to the location of the post-Prom action with a digital camera in hand (if you don't have one of these, you might want to try just using a throw away one). When you get there, just hang out with whomever you know, drink a little (but do NOT get drunk), and wait. You'll want to wait until people start passing out, which WILL happen to countless individuals on prom night. 

Once you start finding passed out couples, strip them down, and snap yourself some photos. Don't just get the girls, but do it to the guys, as well. If the post-Prom festivities happen to all be in one hotel or a floor of a hotel, then try to just walk in any unlocked door. You'll undoubtedly find more victims to photograph. And if you walk into a room where people have not yet passed out, just pretend like you went into the wrong room and are too drunk. If you walk into a room where a couple is having sex, just start snapping some photos until they notice you and then run away.

At the end of the night, you should have enough photos to start yourself a quick and dirty Website where you could charge a $19.95/month membership fee. If the photos prove to be worthwhile, the word will spread about your site and you can consider yourself a few hundred thousand dollars richer. Then you can point and laugh at all the girls that turned you down but ended up exposed all over the Internet.  

15 days

Dear Sqishywalrus,

See how much I love you? I've done exactly what you asked for. Just keep in mind that one day I will ask you, and everyone else that I've done something for, to return the favor...and help me build an army to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! Shit, I wasn't supposed to let out my plans just yet...forget I said that, it was just a joke.

Astroglide

Uh, Dave, but why are you using a vaginal moisturizer mean, that is what it is used for, you would know this if you checked their site.

Uh, dude. It doesn't matter if it's a vaginal cream, it works as an excellent lubricant. I'd use motor oil but it turns my dick black and it's hard to clean the off the crud that gets inside the little holes. 

Pronouncing Zdyrko

Just how the hell DO you pronounce your last name? I've always said something like "zid ear co". is it "z die erku", i just can't figure it out!

It's pronounced "Zzz-dear-ko" or something close. If you want to be cool, roll the "r". You can always just say "Z" or "Dave Z" if it's a problem. 

King of masturbation? 

King of masturbation? maybe you've heard of people setting the "land speed record". well my friend, I hold something very close to that called the "hand speed record" and the record for endurance. If my spank bank were tangible, it would be the size of the united states (with Alaska).

Longsack the Clown

Dear Longsack the Clown

Being King isn't always about being the strongest, fastest or even the best. That's why I keep my servants around. My masturbation excellence is something that can't be measured by normal means. 

NFL 2K3 

Whats up Big Dave, I have always been a huge fan of the Madden series ever since its beginning back in ' 92.  But to be honest I am already looking forward to NFL 2K3 since you are playing a big part in its release.  Just curious if you were out to put Visual Concepts a top EA Sports as the "MAN" among console football.  Thanks

JB

Dear JB,

That's what I'm hoping to help do, but that honestly has been the plan for the company long before I ever jumped aboard. Anyway, I'm very pleased at how well the game is turning out and if everything falls into place, we'll have ourselves a truly great football game to share with all of you. I don't know if it'll be better or worse than Madden, but it'll definitely be something that football videogame fans won't want to pass up. 

Thanks mom and dad 

Firstly, I would like to tell everyone that I had the FIRST LETTER in Dear Dave ever... (I think) Thank you for posting my letter... I think I only had one posted @ ps2.ign.com anyway, question, do you think your parents did a good job raising you? Because with responses to letters like the one regarding annoying telemarketers make me think that your parents were gods... you my friend, are a champ ^__^ -tom

Dear Tom,

I truly believe that my parents did a wonderful job of raising me. Most of the mistakes I've made in my life have been because I chose not to do things the way they taught me. That said, my incredible wit and sarcasm is something that I've learned myself and have perfected over the years by doing things like ordering a #4 extra value meal at McDonalds (that's the Double Quarter Pounder w/Cheese) super-sized and getting two extra cheeseburgers to eat on the side. 

Crazy Dave 

Hey Dave,

What's up?  I was just perusing the babe of the week section.  More specifically the Britney Spears pictures.  Well, anyway, I just so happened to take my face away from my monitor long enough to notice your "CrazyDave" picture. 

It really freaked me out.

Just thought you should know that that image is preventing me from masturbating to the pictures of the fine females on your site.  I found a temporary solution (post it notes), but I need a more long term one (like removing it along with that creepy feeling that I get when I see those red squinted eyes staring at my huge penis).

A Very Concerned Fan,

Kyle

Dear Kyle,

I have no idea what you're talking about? Who is this Crazy Dave and where is this picture that you're talking about? I have put nothing like what you've described anywhere on my Webpage. You must be seeing things or maybe God is trying to tell you that you should masturbate to a computer screen.

Masturbation without a hood

Hi Dave. Happy birthday! Don't worry, you're not old! Ok. first of all I would like to apologize for my crappy spelling. I live in Norway and have never been in the states or in any other English speaking country for that matter so I hope that explains it. here is my question. How the hell do Americans masturbate when you're circumcised? I am under the impression that just about all Americans are, that's why I ask. Here only the Jews are circumcised and there are practically none of them. I thought you had to pull the foreskin back and forwards over the penis head to make it feel good. So if you don't have any foreskin than how? 

Anyway, enough about that. MGS2 is being released here tomorrow (Friday march 8). I know, its late!!!! Most games are released here the same time as they are in the states. But this one is very late. So I'm not leaving the house this weekend, no snowboarding for me. 

Anyway your site kicks ass Dave! its fucking hilarious. I read big Dave in little china yesterday and it almost gave me a heart attack!!!!! To bad about the lottery, you're the guy who deserves to win the jackpot the most. even more than me. Why did you leave IGN anyway? I think I heard something about you letting the f-word in to the letters section. Was that it? Feel free to put this in you're next Dear Dave update. All the best.

Lovemachine

Dear Lovemachine,

Just rubbing on that bad boy is usually enough to make it feel good. You lose a lot of sensitivity when you've been circumcised, but the little you still works with or without a hood. Anyway, using some kind of lubricant will usually help a whole lot for a guy that's without foreskin. 

Oh, and to answer your last question, I simply left IGN to pursue a opportunity to work on videogames instead of just writing about them. I was stripped of my Letters Section duties at IGN for letting the f-word in an update, but it had nothing to do with me leaving. Ralph Edwards is a dick, though.

I get it...

Dear Davey,

Here's a joke:

What do cows do in their spare time?

They go to the Mooovies
.....
Ok you can stop laughing now, or maybe I will stop being so humble about my hilarity.

Kisses,

Chris

Dear Chris, 

I'm laughing so hard that I can't think up a funny response to this...or something like that.