What do you do?

Oh yes, you ARE the man my friend, best of wishes in your new job (what exactly IS it? When I skim read the description it sounded like a programming job, but I didn't think you had any programming experience) and I hope you win that ~~$200million~~ and share it with me =P

- Tom Fisher

Dear Tom,

You're right. Unless you count Web-based stuff, like CGI, JavaScript, etc., I don't have any programming experience. My job title at Visual Concepts is something like Assistant Producer or Production Assistant. What does that mean? I don't know. What do I do? I basically play the game, say what I think needs to be fixed and say "how" it should be fixed. Then the guys with the real skills (guys that can program) fix it. I also do other stuff, but it's purely from a design, idea, and non-programming level. 

Dave Z fully nude

No pictures of you nude going to 7-11 please, I don't think my eyes could take it!!

- Skip Gibbs

Dear Skip,

You need not worry about losing your eyes because some non-deserving jackasses won the lottery. 

Sweet revenge

Dear Dave-

I hope you did the right thing concerning your roommate and the prank he pulled by killing him violently in his sleep, then getting necrophiliac on his room temperature ass.

- Tom Ertl

P.S. How much did that steak dinner set you back?"

Dear Tom,

I'm not a violent man and would never resort to murder. However, I'm also a vengeful soul. What I did is teabag every single thing in the apartment that he owns -- his game controllers, PC keyboard, mouse, pint glasses, silverware, etc. Basically, everything that he will use in the coming weeks will have had intimate contact with my dirty nuts.

Tiffany's nipples

Don't you think that Tiffany girl had gross nipples, by the way, I keep finding myself clicking on that Britney spears pick, hey by the way, you were on the state champion high school football team, I am on the current Colorado state football team, its cool

DFJKH

Dear DFJKH,

Are you talking about her nipples or the fact that she has large areolas (what you see around the nipples)? I doubt I'd kick her now-aging ass out of bed, but I prefer the small areolas to the large ones on a woman's breasts, as well. 

Anyway, congrats on winning the State title. It's a great feeling for sure. Too bad it doesn't carry much weight 10 years down the road -- but it's always something that you can look back on and smile. 

Fucking sellout!

"There is some bad news, though. Now that I'm a millionaire (or at least I will be when I collect my winnings tomorrow), I'll no longer have the time to work at VC or on this silly website. After I buy my Bay Area home and Bukkake until I run out of semen, I'll probably go find an island to waste away the rest of my life. Goodbye! It's been great knowing you."

Fucking sell-out; just cuz your rich now, doesn't mean you still can't help VC create a great football game. I thought this was your "dream job", you should at least help them with the flaws that occurred in 2K2

Congrats on the lotto win, now that u finally have something large in your pants "MR. MONEYBAGS", maybe you can actually bang a lot of chicks....nah!

Have a wonderful life Dave Z!!!!!!

If any motha fucker deserved to win the lotto, I'm glad it was you. =)

STAY WITH VC!!!!!!

- Kevin

Dear Kevin,

As I'm sure you've learned by now, I didn't win the lottery, but was just tricked into thinking I did. Honestly, I would probably stick around with VC for at least a year even if I did win the lotto. I have high hopes for NFL 2K3 and would definitely want to see it through.

Nintendo love

Jesus Christ, why doesn't Nintendo just release the GameCube in 2002 with more advanced hardware if they aren't going to release any games until June. I guess there is always smashing drive.* At least I have a PS2 and Xbox to tide me over.

*sarcasm

Matt k.

Dear Matt,

Nintendo is just being Nintendo. You can't blame 'em for that. By spacing out game releases, it helps them sell more games and that helps them make more money. That's why they have billions in the bank and we don't.

Masturbation love

Dave you said you masturbate 10-12 times a day well I did it at school while in class with no one knowing. just put my hand in my pocket and you know the rest. Anyways your new site rules nice to still be seeing you around.

Herman The Great

Dear Herman,

You're sick! Okay, no you're not. You're now my hero. Just a quick question, though, did you cum in your pants or did you just whack it for a while without going all the way? Actually, don't answer that...

Online games

Hey Dave! First off I just want to say that you are they man. Now on to the questions: First off, do you play any online games, like RTCW or SC? Secondly, your writing is hilarious. It would be a shame if you let that talent just go to waste because you don't work for IGN anymore. So, you should write articles of your own. That way we can still read that great stuff we know and love.

-- Mehemt Yilmaz

Dear Mehemt,

I haven't played any online games in a long time, but I used to play stuff like Red Alert, Dark Reign and Total Annihilation, plus stuff like Quake II and GL Quake. I just haven't upgraded my PC since then, so I can't play anything new. Plus, I always get my ass whooped with RTS games -- I'll be building my first building in the first 30 seconds of a game and the other guy will somehow have a huge army already attacking my base. Not so fun.

I will start writing more actual gaming articles in the future, but don't expect anything in the very near future as my work load with VC is about to ramp up.