I’m actually quite reluctant to name Megan Hauserman my latest Babe of the Week because she’s probably the least attractive girl I’ve ever bestowed this honor. Hell, despite my general horniness and desperation, if I had sex with her she’d be by far the least attractive girl I’ve ever boned. Her face is just frightful and she always looks like she’s trying to pinch off a loaf. All that said, she does have an immensely hot body and I would have no problem banging the hell out of her with a paper bag covering her face. We’ll leave it at that.

To celebrate her 18th birthday, it appears that Harry Potters’ Hermione Granger, aka Emma Watson, decided to join the celeb upskirt crew upon leaving her party. She’s apparently wise enough to not go panty-less, but still not yet skilled enough to keep the goods better hidden. It is also crystal clear that she’s not yet learned the spell to cleanly wax that bush.

The lovely Leticia Cline is this week’s Babe of the Week honoree, but I’m not going to use this space to talk about how great she looks or how much I’d love to Russian her before nutting in her face. I’m just here to bitch about how my web host is so damn fucking slow these days.

It’s been a prison rape painful to upload and update for the past month or so. It’s just beyond ridiculous. It used to take me less than a minute to update a regular post and maybe three to five minutes to do a Babe update, but now the regular shit is taking 10 minutes and today’s Babe update took 56 minutes. Nearly a fucking hour to do something that’s normally less than five minutes.

I watch a lot of really stupid shows and despite me knowing they’re stupid, I keep watching. I assume it’s just out of habit or maybe it’s some sick sadomasochist reason. First, there’s America’s Next Top Model. You could say that I watch it for the hot chicks but if you said that you’ve never seen an episode of the show. Each cycle there’s maybe 1-3 bangable bitches compared to the 9+ hideous monstrosities. And in all but maybe one or two of the seasons, one of the hideous monstrosities usually came out on top. This year, some black chick that looks more manly than most of the transvestites you come across in San Francisco, somehow keeps making it though. It pisses me off, yet I still watch.

Then there’s Big Brother 9. I also swore off watching this show after last year’s retarded finale with Dick & Danielle as the final two that I didn’t even bother watching. I decided to give it another shot, but it’s proven to be the worst season of the show ever. CBS tried to go with a younger hotter cast, but all the chicks on the show are butter and just about every single cast member is a complete idiot. They don’t understand strategy and a few of them have made the dumbest decisions in Big Brother history.

My last rant will be about Beauty & the Geek. I understand that they’ve always taken huge liberties with the “beauties” as they’ve mostly just been dumb whores more so than actual beautiful woman.  But the big black woman on it is less of a beauty than I am and most likely some Flavor of Love reject. It shouldn’t, but it angers me that she’s on the show as a beauty. Kind of like how it pisses me off every time the Poison dude refers to the Rock of Love trash as beautiful women. It’s just not even close to true in 90% of the cases. Nevertheless, I watch and somehow enjoy this crap despite the fact that watching usually leaves me angered.

We sadly said goodbye to my boy Danny Noriega last night on American Idol. I’m going to miss that girl! The way he would get all sassy with Simon, shake her hips when he sang, and give us her cutest pouty lips when he was sad was pure entertainment. I never ceased to be confused or amused when Miss Danny performed on stage. He will surely be missed and here’s hoping we see more of her in the future!

I’m not quite sure if I have a favorite left. The little Asian chick is hella cute, but I’m not too excited this year. They keep saying it’s the best ever, but I’m not buying into it. Not sure any of the final 12 could hold Kelly Clarkson’s jockstrap and I’m not saying that as a joke about her monstrous ass. None of the girls or guys are in her league and I find myself fast forwarding through most of the songs after the first few boring seconds of each. It befuddles me that I still watch it.

I hate to admit it, but I thoroughly enjoy watching Rock of Love 2. Actually, I’m lying. I don’t hate to admit it. It’s horrifically bad, yet tremendously entertaining mindless television and it never ceases to bring a smile to my face. Seeing a bunch of trashy sluts fight over and throw themselves over an old ass balding rock star is non-stop comic relief. It also doesn’t hurt that there’s occasionally a scantily-clad bangworthy slut frolicking around for my erotic enjoyment.

One of the girls on the show that I would actually consider tearing a new one — and there aren’t many that I would touch even after downing a dozen Jager bombs — is the former Playboy Cyber Girl of the Week and my newest Babe of the Week, Kristy Joe Muller. The girl is portrayed as being a bit screwed up emotionally, but on her good days you won’t find many girls out there that deserve a spot in your Spank Bank™ more than her.

I don’t even know why I still watch it, but American Idol is on my Tivo list and I admittedly love when Simon keeps it real and rips into someone’s ass. A lot of people think he’s an ass, but I tend to agree with his comments 99.9% of the time. Anyway, that’s not what this post about. Tonight was “guys” night but one of the guys just seemed….well….like a chick. The boy, or girl, in question is Danny Noriega. The dude’s more female than half the girls I’ve come across in my life. If he got a boob job and ass implants, I’d consider tapping that shit. Well, not really. But you get what I mean. It’s all cool though, someone just needs to hook him up with Christian from Project Runway.

The fact that you can get a lesbian love triangle going in Mass Effect is without a doubt one of the coolest Easter Eggs you can find in any video game. It’s as if the developers had me in mind when they figured they’d allow this to happen in their game. I’m kind of shocked that there hasn’t been some retarded backlash against this. Anyway, I’m at 780/1000 with this game and will have to beat it at least two more times to get the full 1000. I feel the need to complete this just to make up for all the cupcake 1000s I’ve gotten over the past six months.

Speaking of retarded, I thought it was stupid that the old chick on Big Brother 9 last week that was flipping out over the crazy dude for his politically incorrectness in referring to kids with autism as retards.  I completely agree that it was in poor taste, as I’d rather use the word to describe people that do stupid things rather than to describe someone with a mental handicap, but at least this guy spends his life helping these kids with special needs.

What’s more important, that he avoids the use of the word “retard” or the fact that he’s spending each and every day of his life helping these children out (at least when he’s not on BB9)? I think actions speak louder than words and unless this woman is also spending her life helping out these kids, which she doesn’t, then she should have no say in the matter. His helping these kids are doing way more good than her defending them against his ignorant speech.

The gigantic breastage might be what first caught my eye, but my newest Babe of the Week is more than just a great pair of colossal jizz targets. Shauvon Torres, of Real World Sidney fame, also has some sensational hips that seem built for events of the coitus nature and a rather pretty face.

I can’t say I’m a fan of the fact she bailed on the show for an obviously overly possessive retard, but everyone makes mistakes. I sure as hell did when I decided to wipe the sweat off my face this morning with the same rag that I just splooged in. If I could go back in time and have a do over, I would surely do things differently and I’m quite sure that she would as well.

I think the show is overly fake and incredibly stupid, particularly because half of it is filled with dead silence and emotionless faces exchanging looks until the music kicks in, but for some reason I really enjoy watching The Hills. The popular theory is that it’s just because of the hot chicks, but I think it’s deeper than that.

My hypothesis is that it’s pretty damn mindless and consequently is something you can have on the TV as good background noise that you don’t really have to pay attention to in order to follow the story. Either way, that Heidi Montag chick with her big fake boobies is a spank-worthy babe that looks mighty fine in a bikini (not sure if I’m a fan of the post-surgery face, however).

While I think she was a complete idiot for leaving the show for such an obviously controlling and possessive boyfriend, I’ve developed a bit of a crush on Real World Sidney’s Shauvon Torres. She’s got a really cute face and, well, you gotta love them boobies. I just wanna burry my face in those cream pies until I die.

For more of Shauvon’s boobies, check out her Babe of the Week pictorial!

I’m still pissed about my girl Jenah getting dissed on ANTM, but before I sleep the night away, I wanted to share with you some words of wisdom from Cohutta’s (Real World Sydney) grandfather:

Well you remember what I said what a man is. It aint how much liqour he can drink. It aint how much ass he can whoop. It’s how he handles himself in a crisis. Your true colors come out in a crisis.

Even though I show my manliness in the liquor I drink, the ass I whoop and the pussy I tap, it’s how I handle myself when the shit hits the fan that defines me. Cohutta’s grandfather nailed it. His words even top Uncle Ben’s, “with great power comes great responsibility,” mainly because very few people have great power, yet everyone will find themselves in a crisis.

I shouldn’t get so pissed at such a dumb ass show. The past two winners couldn’t even speak the damn English language, with the most recent one sounding (and looking) like a “bad” transvestite (tranny Jaslene). Nevertheless, I can’t help but be infuriated that my favorite got eliminated despite the fact that she took the BEST pictures. She was the clear superior throughout the entire show! Even Tyra admitted it before eliminating her!

So, why did she get eliminated and not make the final two? Well, she was real! She was sarcastic. She wasn’t a fake bubbly bitch like Chantal and Saliesha. She rubbed some people the wrong way, but not because she’s bad but because the British snob Nigel expected everyone to kiss his ass. I LOVED her sarcasm. I thought it was funny. She was a girl I would hang out even if she was 300 lbs and smelled like two week old Jack in the Box.

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Straight up, the main reason I watch The Real World year in and year out is for the women. There are always at least one or two spankable females on the show and it’s entertaining to watch them get sloshed up and transform into sluts right in front of your eyes on national television.

Yet, things are different this year with Real World Sydney. And that’s particularly dumbfounding because the girls as a group in this year’s show rank up there with the best of the best and are easily on par with the stellar hotties from Real World Vegas. The sad fact is that despite Shauvon’s mountainous mounds of mayhem and Kelly Anne’s combination of tight mid-section and bootylicous booty, the best reason to watch the show this year has been Issac.

He’s been the highlight of the show and has made it worth putting up with the mega-annoying Trisha and the not-quite-as-annoying, but still hard to stomach, Parisa. This is especially the case in the post-Shauvon era because at least with her around I was able to zone out, ignore what was coming out of everyone’s mouths, and just lose myself in her luscious melons.

Issac’s just entertaining as fuck to watch and he seems like someone that I personally could be friends with. The way he was able to come back; flat out say that Trisha was a bitch; say he was glad she’s gone; say that not just him but everyone hated her; and subsequently get the house to turn from having the atmosphere of some war torn street from the Middle East to one of the most popular frat house at some college was awe-inspiring. It was a resurrection of sorts not seen since Jesus.

My nuts may no longer be rightfully mine after admitting this, but one of my guilty pleasures is watching ANTM. One might think watching a show about a bunch of models wouldn’t warrant the loss of membership to the Men’s Club because there’s nothing unmanly about ogling at beautiful women. However, ANTM doesn’t fit this because 99% of the women on the show are nickels more so than dimes. I get my enjoyment out of just watching women being all caddy, bitchy, two-faced, and dishonest. Well, okay, I could’ve saved some time by just saying “women being women”.

With that out of the way, I’ll further cement my banishment from the Men’s Club by proclaiming that I’m all about Team Jenah! Not that there’s anything wrong with being a fan of a lovely young woman, but rather it just being a bit less-than-masculine using that “Team Blah” phrase. Regardless, I’m a fan of hers for the simple fact that she’s the one that I’d most want to bang the shit out of. I’m not just talking about normal boring sex, either, but jumping off the top rope Jimmy Superfly Snuka style sex where you yell “cowabunga” and are at risk of torn ACLs and a fractured vertebrae. Even with her overly big eyes, gummy smile, funky ears, and often raunchy hair, she’s the clear babe in the group with only the recently cut Heather in her league.