The latter was by far one of the most comical events I’ve witnessed in a long time. Harris’ cop costume was so good that even the real Boston cops thought he was real and were left impressed. People all night were thinking he was the real deal, including this drunk guy that got kicked out of Estate and was desperately trying to get in contact with his boys. He started begging Harris to help him out because he thought he was a real police officer and Harris played the part perfectly. This shit went on for at least 15 minutes and Harris even had the guy try and do his ABC’s backwards at one point and this made me just lose it and have to turn around and cover my mouth to keep the laughter down.

The guy never caught on that Harris wasn’t a real cop and my boy kept in character the entire time. There was even this point where the guy was in tears begging Harris to put him in jail because he was from Lawrence, MA and this was his first time ever in Boston and didn’t want to sleep on the streets. He was in tears, constantly calling him sir, apologizing, and just begging relentlessly for assistance. He kept saying how he wasn’t really that drunk and that while he does get belligerent some times that he didn’t deserve to be kicked out (I’ve been there before!). It was just beyond comical and saved what was ultimately a complete failure of a night.

While it didn’t help me much last night, as I was unable to get into Gypsy after a two hour wait in line because the bouncers still remembered the “New Year’s Eve Incident” from 11 months ago, it had the ultimate success Friday night at a couple of bars around where I live near Faneuil Hall. It proved to be a great opener and I was able to get about a half dozen girls to kiss me as a reward for my cleverness.

That initially looked like it would be the peak of it, because at some point I realized I was beyond shit-faced and needed to head home and call it a night. Even though I was a just a few blocks from my apartment building I got lost and tried to sleep on the sidewalk, but then a really nice guy and girl were super cool and helped me up and hailed a cab for me. At this point, I thanked them and got in…but this is where the night turned around heavily in my favor.

Just as I was telling the cab driver my address, the door opens and this smoking hot blonde jumped in. The driver said that the cab’s already taken and she replied, “I’m going with him”. Drunk out of my mind and dumbfounded, I just gave her and confused look, to which she said, “I want my gift.” Not quite all there, I didn’t get it and replied, “huh?”. She then pointed at my gift tag and then the light bulb went off in my head and it started to make some sense. Apparently, she saw me a few times during the night, loved the costume, thought it was extremely clever and kept hoping I’d talk to her — I don’t ever remember seeing her or else I would have tried.

Sadly, most of the events are fairly blurry. We made out some in the cab, we hooked up when we got back to my place, and then around 8AM I woke up next to her perfect naked body. I debated snapping a bunch of pictures with my iPhone, but my non-creepy half (okay, maybe it’s a non-creepy 1/8th) won out and I just went back to sleep. A little before 1PM, she woke up and got out of bed to go to the bathroom and then when she came back to the room to get dressed, I was able to confirm that in the sunlight and even after a night of heavy drinking, that this girl was beautiful — perfect from head-to-toe. Turned out to be a sweet girl, too, as I was fully expecting her to embarrassingly bolt as soon as she realized “what” she had done, but she simply got dressed, gave me a forehead kiss and said, “Thanks for last night, I’m gonna head out.”

And, that was that. No names were ever exchanged. I probably will never see her again and even if I did, I don’t even know how I’d react. Nevertheless, a huge win in my book and by far the hottest girl I’ve had since moving to Boston.

1: Where are you? Were leavin and want to say bye. DON’T BRRAK ANYTHING

1: U hung up
1: Call back
1: Bitch
2: Hold. we’re having roach issues. fucking justin killed three so far. omg

1: What’s wrong?
2: Got my penis stuck in a blow up doll
1: Hahahahaha weird me too

1: Ok I gottq go to sleep. Reeeeally weird. Cat locked in room. Guy on couch. Ugh don’t want anyone in my house.

1: U know!!! Yayyy log you
2: Log me… Hahaha. Read your last text

1: I have herpes
2: So what do you want me to do?
2: There is always valtrex

1: Drunk ass!!! Lol!
2. He’s lying. Only the srippers r drunk
1: Lol yeah those dirty herpes srippers

1. Pick up some condoms on the way cuz I’m all outt
2. what size?
1. idk you tell me. it’s never been in my mouth.

1: I am here baby. In the taxi now. Should I give the Indian guy or Punjabi road head? maybe I can get half off my taxi ride.
2: No way! Good chance all the cabbies in Boston have herpes from me already.
1: Yeah I see some crabs on the seats.
2: If you see one with a gangsta limp, tell donnie I said hey

1. The strippers say hi
2: Ahhh you bastard! Haha. The wife would kill me. Slap that ass for me!

1: Hujiuuuiiiii
2: Hey hey!
1: Wioiiiiiioooo
2: Haha drunk?
1: Nevertrrtttt

1: nudes?
2: anal?
1: omg ilu marry me now <3

1: I just got mcdonalds eww
2: Lol eww
1: I knooow
2: Maybe it’ll go right to ur tits
1: Let’s hope!

1. sent nudes!!
2. eww your belly is HUGE!
1. ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
1. omg slitting wrists
2. the wrists aren’t the prob, i’d start with that half inch you can pinch
1. ASS!

1. plane landed!!
2. yayyyy can’t wait to meat you!
1. LOL funny typo.
2. umm not a typo
1. Who says I’d say yes??
2. Jack Daniels.
1. Fair enough

1. spread eagle?
2. nooooo I’m on my period!
1. even better!!!!

1. shit dude. wher teh fuckk r u?
2. Think I’m just going to stay in and watch shit on the DVR.
1. ummm, there are 3 nekkid strppers on the couuch and an 8ball of blow on the coffee tableee
2. dvr paused!

1. Dude wall to wall pussy at target ;p
2. Any of it on sale?

1. That was quick
2. That’s what she said!

1. How is it inside?
2. kinda sucks. the ratio is good but talent level is mediocre
1. Shit man, come outside we’ll hit up another place.
2. Be right out.
2. oh shit. nvm come in. drunk bachelorette just slipped and practically took her hot friend’s top off.
1. niiice! easy targets!

I hope this disgust lasts because I need to stop fucking around, buckle down and just take care of business. I had a decent week and dropped from 332 to 323 from 3/27-4/3 but the fact that I’m even back up this high is beyond unexcusible. I should be shot in lieu of Darwinism taking me out naturally. I know I can’t dwell on my constant backward slides but the 5 out of 7 with the gym last week was a decent start but just not good enough. I need to be as dedicated to losing weight as I am to my job, flogging the dolphin, getting drunk, or getting girls to send me nudes. I better be “sniffin’ 210 by 2010″ or else I don’t deserve to live.

Anyway, I haven’t ever attempted to top that mark nor have I come close to it since. I average around 2-4 per day and on particularly horny and/or boring days I will often get up to 6-8. That is, until this past Saturday. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I woke up Saturday morning at 9AM and decided to see if I could rub 37 out before 9AM on Sunday.

By the time Noon arrived, I had reached climax about 8 times and I already knew that things were going to be difficult. First and foremost, most likely do to the years of constant practice, it’s no longer easy for me to spit in 120 seconds or less (I guess that’s a good thing). Back when the record was set, I could come to completion quickly and easily in a minute or two and was able to continue doing that until my count reached the 20s. That’s definitely not the case anymore.

By the time I got to my 8th attempt on Saturday, I had to rigorously stroke the lava tube non-stop for 20 freaking minutes before the volcano would burst. That is a tremendous amount of work. If you don’t believe me, go grab a ketchup bottle with a tight grip and try shaking it as fast and as hard as you can non-stop for 20 minutes. It’s tiresome.

Nevertheless, this didn’t stop me. While I was now quite sure that I couldn’t get to 37, let alone tie the mark at 36, I wasn’t about to give up. I kept trying whenever possible, always miraculously managing to stand completely at attention and rock solid, and did so despite the extreme lactic acid build up in both of my arms. In the end, I blew out 18 loads before going to bed at 2AM and promptly did another trio before 9AM after waking up at 7:30AM. While not nearly as impressive as the personal best of 36, the 21 successful beat downs is still quite impressive. I may give the Chase for 37 another shot at some point, but, if I do, I might try and prepare myself better by working out my arms in advance and maybe abstaining from sex or self-sex for 48-72 hours before the attempt. Whatever happens, I’ll keep you posted.

This constantly feeling tired and down hasn’t managed to hurt my work production — had an extremely productive day at the office today after a solid early morning workout — but it’s salting my game. I got three numbers on St Patty’s Day and one this past Friday night from girls that I really wanted to call back but just haven’t been feeling up for it. It sucks because I tend to drink so much that I forget the names and faces usually and don’t call back as a result. I remember these girls and how hot they are but just don’t feel like doing much of anything.

I’d do just about anything to get a full eight hours of quality sleep right about now but there’s just no way it’s happening considering how late it already is and how it’s just impossible for me to sleep that long. Might have to try sleeping pills tomorrow night, but I’ll probably be too tired to remember to pick them up tomorrow after work. Either that or I’ll just lack the energy to head to the store even if I remember.

- Grape Depression
- Abu Grape
- Cluster Fudge
- Nut’n Accomplished
- Iraqi Road
- Chock ‘n Awe
- WireTapioca
- Impeach Cobbler
- Impeach Mint
- Heck of a Job, Brownie!
- Chunky Monkey in Chief
- George Bush Doesn’t Care About Dark Chocolate
- WMDelicious
– Guantanmallow
- Neocon Politan
- RockyRoad to Fascism
- The Reese’s-cession
- Cookie D’oh!
- Housing Crunch
- Nougalar Proliferation
- Death by Chocolate… and Torture
- Freedom Vanilla Ice Cream
- Chocolate Chip On My Shoulder
- “You’re Shitting In My Mouth And Calling It A” Sundae
- Credit Crunch
- Mission Pecanplished
- Good Riddance You Lousy Motherf**ker… Swirl
- Country Pumpkin
- Chocolate Chimp
- Bloody Sundae
- Caramel Preemptive Stripe
- I broke the law and am responsible for the deaths of thousands…with nuts

Dear Kellogg’s,

I’m writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he was photographed while enjoying some marijuana.

I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public interest.
First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of the most ****ed up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country. Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it remains illegal to this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t patent it and control it’s sale, and because if it were legal it would greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.

That’s it.

Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use. We’re not protecting people from themselves, we’re not saving the children – it’s just a horribly illogical law that is in place because of corruption and propaganda.
The fact that it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to society.

I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally would like to think that as Americans we’re better than this. These television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking dope,” and then without even the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.

This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little *****es giving in to the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies who’s interests they’re representing.

It’s 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to information that we have available there’s no ****ing way that we should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including themselves.

THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely ****ing un-American.

I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s setting a bad example with the children” nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.

Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement, and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax payers’ money on any of this victimless bull****.

I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted.

I think what would have been a far better response from Kellogg’s would be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our productive citizens find useful.

Now, I’m sure if you really were running Kellogg’s and you were still reading my bull**** all the way down to this, you must be thinking, “Why the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?”

And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your ****, mother****er.
Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject, because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20 years, and I can tell you that I’ve been high 100% of the time I’ve bought your ****.

I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell?

Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their ****ing minds.

Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched **** that’s horrible for your body – in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body than pot – and you market this **** specifically to children.

You *******s go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.

Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way want anything bad to happen to your company.

Like I said, I genuinely enjoy your products.

There’s nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad you’re around.

All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended) that you mother****ers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us than you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb **** like this. There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a company, they’re going to feel it.

I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers don’t all fit into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms – including by the way, the form of the greatest ****ing swimmer who ever lived, EVER.

Think about THAT **** for a second..

So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the **** up.

I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s 2000 and ****ing 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.

It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap up this blog and to celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my personal favorite Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles.

I’m gonna pop 4 of them *****es into the toaster, and then I’m gonna stuff the bong with some fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then I’m gonna get some butter, and I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m gonna cover them with maple syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving **** out of them.
Good day, sirs.

Yours truly,

Joe Rogan.

Whether it’s because I’m dealing with my first real winter in more than 10 years or just me not taking care of myself, it’s pretty clear that I gotta do the part that is in my control and make it a point to eat healthy and exercise religiously. I’ve already quit the dirty smoking habit that I picked up around last June, so that’s a start. Now I just need to get back on the anti-fatty path and all should improve greatly in my life.

1. I’m a convicted felon and college dropout, yet I’ve been able to bounce back and have a fairly prolific career that has seen my wages substantially increase in each of the past 10 years. I owe it to a lot of hard work, a huge brain, and the ability to suck dick better than any porn star, choir boy, sailor or Boy Scout.

2. My friends have never been able to successfully guess my felony conviction primarily because they all apparently think I’m some kind of a sexual deviant. While I am a pervert, I haven’t yet been convicted of any crimes related to this truism.

3. I have never had sex while both my partner and I were completely sober. Hence, I believe I subconsciously associate getting drunk with getting laid and have turned into a full-fledged alcoholic. I try to tell my subconscious that getting too drunk has often kept me from getting laid, but he doesn’t listen.

4. I’ve had sex more in Los Angeles than any other city even though I’ve never lived there. And despite the fact that two of the unfortunate souls were models and absolute Dimes, I haven’t yet found a good enough reason to make the move even though I would love to live there someday.

5. My masturbation record is 27 times in a single 24 hour period. It was raining outside, I couldn’t find anything good to watch on TV and I just wanted to see how many times I could do it.

6. I’d really love to write screenplays and books some day and have at least six different screenplay ideas that I’ve put a lot of thought into. I only have titles for two — “A Day in the Life (and Mind) of Dave Z” and “The Joke Called Love”, which is a romantic comedy. I haven’t figured out the name of the action/thriller trilogy script yet, but think Will Smith would make the perfect protagonist/villain for it based on his performances in recent un-Will Smith-like roles.

7. I’ve managed to luck into two threesomes in my otherwise lacking sexual history. One of the girls had been “using” me to improve her sexual aptitude and she brought along her friend a couple nights so she could show her some pointers while on top. I had absolutely no complaints and am willing to be used by any cute girl looking to improve her own skills.

8. I have never had a Valentine’s Day date.

9. My penis has actually never made physical contact with the inside of a woman’s vagina, so even though I’ve had sex I argue that I can consider myself a virgin. If you’re confused, I’m just saying that I’ve never had sex without a condom.

10. My most impressive drinking exploit has been chugging an entire 1.5 liter bottle of tequila in one swig and chasing it down with a six pack of Sam Adams all in less than two minutes. Even more impressive was the fact that I woke up early for work the next morning without a hangover. Sadly, I performed the remarkable act again the following night but woke up on some stranger’s porch covered in my own blood head-to-toe and with a wretched hangover.

11. I cry every time the dad dies while flying his plane into the alien spaceship in Independence Day despite the fact that the scene isn’t really all that emotional and the Randy Quaid-portrayed character was laughably bad.

12. I thought Heath Ledger would someday be nominated for an Oscar after I first watched 10 Things I Hate About You.

13. The first celebrity I ever masturbated to was Heather Locklear and it was back when she was a hot young 21 year old. I can’t stand her now don’t understand why people still think she’s hot.

14. I only got drunk a grand total of two times before my 25th birthday. Once while drinking Amaretto and Dr Pepper on a High School trip and once while celebrating getting laid off with a friend at Ruby Tuesdays. The second time was when I first started my “chugging” addiction because I didn’t like the taste of beer and because the Sex on the Beach’s tasted like Kool-aid.

15. The genesis of my alcoholism was in having to test Magic Knight Rayearth for the Sega Saturn while working as Webmaster and System Admin at Working Designs in Redding, CA (which at the time was apparently the Meth and Child Molestation capital of the world according to roadside billboards). It irritated me so much that I headed to the grocery store and spent my entire $20 food budget for the month on cheap hard liquor. I haven’t been the same since.

16. I gave the Lindsay Lohan diet a try for a month but ended up gaining 20 lbs.

17. I still haven’t eaten at the legendary Freemont Denny’s. Only a few of my closest friends will get this…

18. I consider Tivo (DVR technology) to be one of the single greatest innovations of the past 20 years. Yet at the same time I think it’s had a negative overall impact on my life because now I watch more TV than I ever did before.

19. I could “survive” without them but I’d be miserable without a cell phone and Internet access for an extended period of time.

20. I can’t believe how long doing this is taking.

21. One of my current addictions is video chatting with Erin Ray.

22. I’ve already been kicked out of five or six different bars or clubs in Boston and was banned from drinking alcohol at Matt Murphy’s pub in Brookline (I think the ban ended at the turn of the New Year). I’m shocked that Gypsy still lets me in and often gives me VIP treatment even though I’ve been kicked out of that particular club a half-dozen times already and often threaten to “kill” the bouncers when they won’t let me back in.

23. This is the age I generally start losing interest in women…

24. This is the number of hours per day I think about sex…

25. I have aspirations to travel to both London and Amsterdam this year. I’m certain that at least one will happen, but will hopefully do both.

Me: “That’s a really cute winter outfit.” (Smiles)

Cute girl: (Smiles sheepishly) “Thank you.”

Me: “You know if it weren’t for hot girls and their cute winter getups the suicide rates in winter would be sky high.”

Cute girl: “Oh my God, that’s awful.” (Giggles)

Me: “There’s nothing awful about it, you should be proud of yourself for all the lives you’ve saved.”

Cute girl: (Laughs) “You’re too funny.” (Smiles and makes really strong eye contact looking up at me)

Me: “Yes, I am. You should give me your number so we can continue this comedy tour over coffee, caramels, or while we build an igloo.”

Cute girl: (Laughs) “But I don’t even know you.” (Giggles and touches my elbow)

Me: “Obviously, that’s why I suggested coffee or building an igloo and didn’t jump straight to making babies.”

Cute girl: (Laughs and smiles with mouth wide open) “Oh my God.”

Me: “Come on, just give me your name and number and I’ll remember it; won’t even put it in my phone.”

Cute girl: “Ha! Okay…”

The screwed up part is that I completely forgot her name and number by the time I finished the drive to work, as the drunk progressed completely to hung over. Her name was something like Marissa or Miranda or something that starts with an M and is about three syllables. And all I remember of her number is the area code (617). An epic failure on my part.

The old hag was trying to ship something FedEx Ground but put her stuff in a box that was labeled Express. The clerk mentioned this to her, extremely nicely, and she just started yelling like a mad woman. She was yelling, getting angry and just being a total cunt.

There was some sticker that said “Ground” and she kept screaming at the workers telling them she got the box next to the sticker and was completely irate. They kept their calm and kept apologizing and said that the sticker wasn’t supposed to be there (it was on crooked on the shelf and was probably just placed by another customer). That just wasn’t enough for her and she kept causing a ruccuss and getting all agro. Her husband, who I have the utmost sympathy for, kept trying to calm her down while telling her that there’s nothing that they could do now to fix the sticker and to just move on…so she started lighting him up.

It was highly entertaining for me and I wish the stupid iPhone recorded videos (without hacking it) because I would’ve loved to have captured it so I could put that shit up on YouTube and share on this site.