Halloween was an epic fail for the most part. After a two-hour wait in line, I wasn’t able to get into Gypsy because of the aforementioned “New Years Eve Incident” and then after an hour wait to get into Estate they decided to shut down the line and stop letting people in. As such, the main highlights of the evening was seeing the smoking hot Brazilian chick from Miami (probably the hottest girl I’ve seen in Boston), seeing some drunk blonde chick take a nose dive while trying to step over the ropes in front of Estate (she fell and went face first into the pavement, likely breaking her nose), and finally my boy Harris, who was dressed as a cop, dealing with this extremely emotional drunk guy.

The latter was by far one of the most comical events I’ve witnessed in a long time. Harris’ cop costume was so good that even the real Boston cops thought he was real and were left impressed. People all night were thinking he was the real deal, including this drunk guy that got kicked out of Estate and was desperately trying to get in contact with his boys. He started begging Harris to help him out because he thought he was a real police officer and Harris played the part perfectly. This shit went on for at least 15 minutes and Harris even had the guy try and do his ABC’s backwards at one point and this made me just lose it and have to turn around and cover my mouth to keep the laughter down.

The guy never caught on that Harris wasn’t a real cop and my boy kept in character the entire time. There was even this point where the guy was in tears begging Harris to put him in jail because he was from Lawrence, MA and this was his first time ever in Boston and didn’t want to sleep on the streets. He was in tears, constantly calling him sir, apologizing, and just begging relentlessly for assistance. He kept saying how he wasn’t really that drunk and that while he does get belligerent some times that he didn’t deserve to be kicked out (I’ve been there before!). It was just beyond comical and saved what was ultimately a complete failure of a night.

One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it gives me a chance to show my wit and humor in what I’m wearing and that makes it significantly easier to get past what’s often the hardest challenge with picking up chicks — the opening. For this year’s festivities, I went with a gift tag that said “To: Women, From: God” and a bow on my head…with the idea being that I’m “God’s Gift To Women” (you can see the photo in the post below). It was a huge hit Friday and Saturday nights and I got compliments on how clever it was and how it was the best costume they’ve seen from about 30 or so guys and girls.

While it didn’t help me much last night, as I was unable to get into Gypsy after a two hour wait in line because the bouncers still remembered the “New Year’s Eve Incident” from 11 months ago, it had the ultimate success Friday night at a couple of bars around where I live near Faneuil Hall. It proved to be a great opener and I was able to get about a half dozen girls to kiss me as a reward for my cleverness.

That initially looked like it would be the peak of it, because at some point I realized I was beyond shit-faced and needed to head home and call it a night. Even though I was a just a few blocks from my apartment building I got lost and tried to sleep on the sidewalk, but then a really nice guy and girl were super cool and helped me up and hailed a cab for me. At this point, I thanked them and got in…but this is where the night turned around heavily in my favor.

Just as I was telling the cab driver my address, the door opens and this smoking hot blonde jumped in. The driver said that the cab’s already taken and she replied, “I’m going with him”. Drunk out of my mind and dumbfounded, I just gave her and confused look, to which she said, “I want my gift.” Not quite all there, I didn’t get it and replied, “huh?”. She then pointed at my gift tag and then the light bulb went off in my head and it started to make some sense. Apparently, she saw me a few times during the night, loved the costume, thought it was extremely clever and kept hoping I’d talk to her — I don’t ever remember seeing her or else I would have tried.

Sadly, most of the events are fairly blurry. We made out some in the cab, we hooked up when we got back to my place, and then around 8AM I woke up next to her perfect naked body. I debated snapping a bunch of pictures with my iPhone, but my non-creepy half (okay, maybe it’s a non-creepy 1/8th) won out and I just went back to sleep. A little before 1PM, she woke up and got out of bed to go to the bathroom and then when she came back to the room to get dressed, I was able to confirm that in the sunlight and even after a night of heavy drinking, that this girl was beautiful — perfect from head-to-toe. Turned out to be a sweet girl, too, as I was fully expecting her to embarrassingly bolt as soon as she realized “what” she had done, but she simply got dressed, gave me a forehead kiss and said, “Thanks for last night, I’m gonna head out.”

And, that was that. No names were ever exchanged. I probably will never see her again and even if I did, I don’t even know how I’d react. Nevertheless, a huge win in my book and by far the hottest girl I’ve had since moving to Boston.

I decided to go for a low-budget Halloween costume that would simply be an embodiment of who I am — and this is what I went with:

While I do fully intend to update this site more in the near future, your best bet to follow my daily happenings would be to do so via Twitter. It’s something I do every day — even more than masturbation, okay maybe not — and it’s more of a guaranteed thing that my intentions to update this site more, which is about as consistent with my intentions on losing weight and exercising every morning.

That’s my excuse for letting this site fall apart. Will try to be better at multi-tasking, but I’m not making any promises.

My friend Lauralyn showed me some website this weekend that had allegedly real user-submitted text messages that were often quite hilarious and it made me go check my txt message logs to see what funny ones I’ve had over the years. Here’s a sample of some of the funny ones that I noticed…and keep in mind that these are 100% real and all currently on my iPhone SMS logs.

1: Where are you? Were leavin and want to say bye. DON’T BRRAK ANYTHING

1: U hung up
1: Call back
1: Bitch
2: Hold. we’re having roach issues. fucking justin killed three so far. omg

1: What’s wrong?
2: Got my penis stuck in a blow up doll
1: Hahahahaha weird me too

1: Ok I gottq go to sleep. Reeeeally weird. Cat locked in room. Guy on couch. Ugh don’t want anyone in my house.

1: U know!!! Yayyy log you
2: Log me… Hahaha. Read your last text

1: I have herpes
2: So what do you want me to do?
2: There is always valtrex

1: Drunk ass!!! Lol!
2. He’s lying. Only the srippers r drunk
1: Lol yeah those dirty herpes srippers

1. Pick up some condoms on the way cuz I’m all outt
2. what size?
1. idk you tell me. it’s never been in my mouth.

1: I am here baby. In the taxi now. Should I give the Indian guy or Punjabi road head? maybe I can get half off my taxi ride.
2: No way! Good chance all the cabbies in Boston have herpes from me already.
1: Yeah I see some crabs on the seats.
2: If you see one with a gangsta limp, tell donnie I said hey

1. The strippers say hi
2: Ahhh you bastard! Haha. The wife would kill me. Slap that ass for me!

1: Hujiuuuiiiii
2: Hey hey!
1: Wioiiiiiioooo
2: Haha drunk?
1: Nevertrrtttt

1: nudes?
2: anal?
1: omg ilu marry me now <3

1: I just got mcdonalds eww
2: Lol eww
1: I knooow
2: Maybe it’ll go right to ur tits
1: Let’s hope!

1. sent nudes!!
2. eww your belly is HUGE!
1. ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
1. omg slitting wrists
2. the wrists aren’t the prob, i’d start with that half inch you can pinch
1. ASS!

1. plane landed!!
2. yayyyy can’t wait to meat you!
1. LOL funny typo.
2. umm not a typo
1. Who says I’d say yes??
2. Jack Daniels.
1. Fair enough

1. spread eagle?
2. nooooo I’m on my period!
1. even better!!!!

1. shit dude. wher teh fuckk r u?
2. Think I’m just going to stay in and watch shit on the DVR.
1. ummm, there are 3 nekkid strppers on the couuch and an 8ball of blow on the coffee tableee
2. dvr paused!

1. Dude wall to wall pussy at target ;p
2. Any of it on sale?

1. That was quick
2. That’s what she said!

1. How is it inside?
2. kinda sucks. the ratio is good but talent level is mediocre
1. Shit man, come outside we’ll hit up another place.
2. Be right out.
2. oh shit. nvm come in. drunk bachelorette just slipped and practically took her hot friend’s top off.
1. niiice! easy targets!

People that stop in merge lanes instead of quickly ramping up to the speed of traffic should get the death penalty. These people are clearly idoitic morons that Darwinism would’ve normally weeded out 100 years ago but are living and reproducing in today’s day and age. If we keep allowing people that would normally be naturally selected out of the equation to live, the future of humanity is in a dire situation. Merge lane stoppers must die!

I just saw some pictures of me from Friday night and they just made me want to vomit. Sure, I can see what the scale has been saying and have looked in the mirror, but damn, sometimes seeing photos can really make one notice when things are out of hand. For one, it makes me think that I may have some mind control super powers because there’d be no way I’d talk to me if I were a girl. It also inspired me to hit the gym at midnight for a second workout session today (or maybe a super early first for tomorrow depending on how you look at it).

I hope this disgust lasts because I need to stop fucking around, buckle down and just take care of business. I had a decent week and dropped from 332 to 323 from 3/27-4/3 but the fact that I’m even back up this high is beyond unexcusible. I should be shot in lieu of Darwinism taking me out naturally. I know I can’t dwell on my constant backward slides but the 5 out of 7 with the gym last week was a decent start but just not good enough. I need to be as dedicated to losing weight as I am to my job, flogging the dolphin, getting drunk, or getting girls to send me nudes. I better be “sniffin’ 210 by 2010″ or else I don’t deserve to live.

I had some things planned for today but while the viewership was up to 229,000 in March, the total number of people that actually “READ” the site is somewhere around 19 if you don’t include personal friends and co-workers. As a result, maybe next year…

For those that have known me for a while, you likely already know that my all-time masturbation record is 36 times in a single 24-hour period. I did it back in my early teens when I was on some family trip to Cali and I was stuck in a hotel all day because it was raining like mad outside. That same weekend, I also found that it took 2,514 licks for me to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

Anyway, I haven’t ever attempted to top that mark nor have I come close to it since. I average around 2-4 per day and on particularly horny and/or boring days I will often get up to 6-8. That is, until this past Saturday. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I woke up Saturday morning at 9AM and decided to see if I could rub 37 out before 9AM on Sunday.

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I know my motto has always been “sleep is for the weak”, but damn I could use some quality shut eye right about now. I haven’t gotten more than four hours of consecutive sleep in more than three weeks and that combined with it still feeling like Winter is taking its toll on me.

This constantly feeling tired and down hasn’t managed to hurt my work production — had an extremely productive day at the office today after a solid early morning workout — but it’s salting my game. I got three numbers on St Patty’s Day and one this past Friday night from girls that I really wanted to call back but just haven’t been feeling up for it. It sucks because I tend to drink so much that I forget the names and faces usually and don’t call back as a result. I remember these girls and how hot they are but just don’t feel like doing much of anything.

I’d do just about anything to get a full eight hours of quality sleep right about now but there’s just no way it’s happening considering how late it already is and how it’s just impossible for me to sleep that long. Might have to try sleeping pills tomorrow night, but I’ll probably be too tired to remember to pick them up tomorrow after work. Either that or I’ll just lack the energy to head to the store even if I remember.

I know I haven’t updated much and am two weeks behind on updating Babe of the Week and I apologize. I’ve just been really busy with girls, playing Resident Evil, drinking alcohol, more girls, playing SOCOM, more drinking, catching up on Battlestar Gallactica, and more girls and drinking the liquor. It’s been a wonderfully hectic last few weeks but I promise two new Babe of the Week updates before the end of the weekend. Oh, by the way, my first St Patty’s Day in Beantown was beyond amazing and the pimp hand was in full effect. Lots of beer, lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of digits and lots of fun.

American Idol is such a sausage fest this year and I can’t stand it. Might actually stop watching before the top 12 even starts, which is about four to six weeks earlier than I usually give up. My theory is that it’s because I’m guessing that 90% of the people that vote for this crap are women and thus the hot guys do well, as do the sob stories or the really likable characters. The really HOT girls never make it far. Sure, girls like Kelly Clarkson, Katherine McPhee and Carrie Underwood are pretty, but my guess is that they were able to get past the girl jealousy because they were a flawed beautiful. All three were chubby bitches most of the show and thus related to all the women voters. Case in point is how McPhee seemed to do much better in the earlier rounds when she was chubs and she eventually got knocked off once she slimmed down tremendously. Chick jealousy can be pretty intense and being able to use it to your advantage is often the only way ugly dudes like me can nail hotties. But, that’s a bit off topic. The point is that Idol is too much of a sausage fest for me this season because of this chick jealousy and I’m done.

Birthdays just aren’t the same as when you’re a kid, but I still enjoy them, as they’re always an added excuse to go out and get crazy partying (not as if I’ve ever needed an excuse, though). Nevertheless, today’s my birthday and I’m now twice as old as my favorite age for girls (no, I just didn’t turn 26). So…Happy Birthday to me!

Yeah, so there’s this list of these ice cream flavors that have been supposedly proposed to Ben & Jerry’s for President George Bush and I thought a few were laugh out loud funny so I just had to share. Here they are…

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My boy Abe emailed me this shit and I just thought it was brilliant. It’s apparently Joe Rogan’s letter to Kelloggs regarding the company’s decision to cut ties with Michael Phelps because of the photo of him with a bong. Anyway, it’s brilliant and everyone should give it a read.

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Always being sick, getting over a cold or feeling one is coming is getting really tiresome. The Massachusetts winter is really kicking the crap out of my immune system and I think I’ve only had one completely healthy week over the course of the past three months. It’s probably not a coincidence that the healthy week was the one where I exercised every single day and ate really healthy, so maybe it’s more me crapping over my immune system than the wintery mess.

Whether it’s because I’m dealing with my first real winter in more than 10 years or just me not taking care of myself, it’s pretty clear that I gotta do the part that is in my control and make it a point to eat healthy and exercise religiously. I’ve already quit the dirty smoking habit that I picked up around last June, so that’s a start. Now I just need to get back on the anti-fatty path and all should improve greatly in my life.

If you’re on Facebook you’ve probably seen that “25 Things You Might Not Know About Me” notes or been tagged in one or a million. They’re usually annoying but I was wicked bored yesterday and decided to do one myself. And since it took up a lot of my time, I figured I might as well share it here, as well.

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