Monday, September 30, 2002

You have 24 hours to blow your load.

You must save this babe --
I've actually never watched a single episode of 24 and hadn't even heard of Elisha Cuthbert until just a couple of weeks ago. However, after seeing her pictures in both FHM and Maxim, there wasn't much doubt that she would some day be a Babe of the Day. Well, that day is today! Good for her! Hurray!

My latest rant --
I have been wanting to bitch about Jay Fiedler for a while, but was worried about jinxing the Dolphins' winning streak. But now that they've been demolished by the Chiefs, I figured I could go ahead and say what's on my mind without worrying about jinxing anyone. 

Basically, Jay Fiedler sucks. Sure he is capable quarterback that has had a solid win-loss as a starter, but he's just not a QB that you can count on to go out and win football games for you. Miami's biggest problem yesterday was that they gave up on the run game too early and put the game in Jay's hands. The only reason I feel the need to single him out is that the media tends to give him (and other QBs) much more credit for winning than they deserve. 

Sunday, September 29, 2002

Sly Cooper looks damn fun --
I haven't played it beyond the E3 demo, but based on what I've seen Sam play tonight, I think I'm ready to proclaim that Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus is another winner from Sucker Punch (they're two for two). The framerate drop aside, the game's visuals are stunning to say the least. It's easily one of the best looking games on the system from a pure aesthetical and stylistic standpoint. 

What's most impressive is that these visuals are backed up by phenomenal level design and some of the coolest mini-games that you'll find in a game of this type. While watching Sam play, I was just constantly amazed at how well the levels were put together. It's very obvious that there was a lot of thought in just how everything was placed in each and every part of the game. Furthermore, according to Bishop, the control is pretty close to perfect. 

I will be playing this game as soon as I get a chance, which will most likely be after I beat Kingdom Hearts. If there's a problem with it, it's probably that it's over all too soon. It seems like a 10-15 hour game based on what Sam has played. But considering I don't have much time to play any game these days, I'll chalk that up as a plus for me. 

Christina's new video is HOT --
I just downloaded Christina Aguilera's video for her new single Dirrty off of Kazaa and must declare that it's hot as hell. If you're into this girl at all or just sexy/slutty women in general, you should try to find it yourself. I would host it, but I don't need to start hosting 47 MB MPEGs. Wouldn't be all that cost effective. At any rate, this video is getting put into my Spank Bank™, as there's plenty of spank-worthy stuff in it. I'll have good material for weeks. Thank you, Christina!

The mystery of my stinking car --
Well, ever since I got my Accord back from the mechanic, who now has $2100 of my hard earned cash, it has had a really bad smell in it. I wasn't sure what it was, so I would just drive to work with all four windows rolled down and would leave them down whenever I could feel safe in doing so. Nothing worked. I even went out and got air fresheners and those wouldn't work, either. 

Well, I finally figured out the problem. You see, when the car broke down, it was after we had dinner at The Olive Garden. And, well, we had a bag of leftover pasta and a sausage in a take-home box. We left it in the car when we took the bus home and completely forgot about it. The pasta and sausage had been in the car for several weeks and was way beyond just spoiled. Thankfully, the crap is out of the car now and the stink hasn't stuck around. 

Saturday, September 28, 2002

A very boring Saturday --
I hate bye weeks in the NFL and I hate open weeks in college football. It just kills my weekend. Not having the Miami Hurricanes play has made today an extremely boring day. And as a result, I'm finding it really hard to follow my current health plan. I like to eat when I'm bored and I'm desiring some bad foods. But, I'm sticking with it and should be fine tomorrow with the Dolphins on and the rest of the NFL teams playing. Oh yeah, there's a "Dear Dave" update for those of you that give a shit.

Friday, September 27, 2002

Freaky Friday --
I was about to update tonight with some new "Dear Dave" letters but something happened. I was flipping through the channels and noticed that JAG was on and it was the very first one where Catherine Bell was introduced as a main character (she had been in a previous episode). I just had to watch it and watch it, I did. I could've easily updated afterwards, but then I caught some show on USA that had this major hottie on it. I had to watch it, too, and, well, I did. Well, it's safe to say that I'm a little horny right now. I gotta take care of that and then I'll probably too worn out to do any updating. Plus, I gotta get up early tomorrow to do some working out. Well, sorry and good night. 

Thursday, September 26, 2002

DSL problems --
I broke my DSL router, so I'm stuck with a modem connection right now. That means that I won't be online tonight because modem sucks ass. I will update this right here, but that's about it. Sucky update, eh? Just be thankful that you're not paying for this website. I am. 

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

Planes, trains, and my new automobile --
We talk about my new car and my possible new wife in the newest update to the "Dear Dave" mail section. I would call it the best update ever, but it's clearly not. It's a good one, though. Better than anything Randy Moss could give you, that's for sure. Wait Randy! Stop! You just run over my foot! Jackass!

Tuesday, September 24, 2002

My New Used Car --
Well, I lucked into some cash, so I used some of it to pick myself up a new used car -- a Nissan Skyline GT-R Vspec II. It only has 120 miles on it and was imported and converted by a company called MotoRex who transformed it to left-hand drive and sold it to me for a mere $95K. Not bad for a car that drives this damn well. Beats the shit out of the Honda Accord, that's for sure. Oh, and Natalie Portman finally replied to one of my letters. She says that she will marry me and she'll be over tomorrow night to fondle my naughty bits. 

Britney's Nipples, Christina's Stripped --
I'm a little tired right now because I didn't get to sleep until late last night and had to get up early in the morning to do my cardiovascular exercise. I think I might call it a night early tonight, so I can be well rested for my leg workout tomorrow -- my biceps, triceps, shoulders and pectorals are all pretty sore from my Monday morning workout. 

Anyway, I figured I'd share some nice pictures I found this evening of Britney Spears and her nipples and Christina Aguilera and the cover of her upcoming album titled Stripped. If I wasn't so tired, I'd probably jerk to them. You can if you want. I won't tell your mom if you do. But she knows. She already knows...

Monday, September 23, 2002

She can court marshal me any time she wants.

Judge Advocate General --
Even though I must admit to liking the storyline, the main reason that I'll stop and watch JAG. whenever I see it when I'm flipping through the channels is that I want to see more of Marine Major Sarah "Mac" Mackenzie, who is played by the adorable Catherine Bell. She is this week's Babe of the Week! Go her!

Sunday, September 22, 2002

Scabs on your naughty parts --
I've updated "Dear Dave" because it's what I do. Another great weekend of football with wins by both the Dolphins and Hurricanes. Even though I have zero dollars to my name and have to make it through a week of paying gas, paying $5 daily bridge tolls and buying food...all is good. I start my Body-for-LIFE plan tomorrow, which means I got to get up early and do some working out. Good night. 

Saturday, September 21, 2002

McGahee for Heisman! --
I love Ken Dorsey, but I believe that if there's one player on the University of Miami football team that should be considered for the Heisman trophy this year, it should be the team's leading ball carrier, Willis McGahee (68 ATT, 548 YDS, 8.1 AVG, 6 TDs). If Miami is going to win another National Championship this year, it will likely come down to what McGahee is going to be able to put up against FSU, Virginia Tech, Tennessee and the rest of Miami's opponents in the coming months. 

Dorsey is just a little too inconsistent for my liking and he doesn't seem to have improved all that much since his Freshman year. In fact, he seemed to be more consistent and more accurate with his passes in his early years than he has been this season. In his defense, he doesn't seem to have a lot of pure receivers to throw to. And by pure, I mean guys with really good route running and catching capabilities. Miami has a lot of guys that have tremendous speed and big play talent, but they don't seem to run crisp routes and often drop passes that should be easy completions. So far this year, I'm seeing about 6-8 dropped passes per game by the Hurricane receivers. Can't really blame Dorsey for those.

Friday, September 20, 2002

Jennifer Love Hewitt is Barenaked --
I used to stomach Part of Five just to check out this chick and she wasn't even on as much as the stupid brats that dominated that show. Anyway, she's super hot and has already been a Babe of the Week honoree. That doesn't mean I can't share these new pics of her with all of you. 

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Nothing to say --
Just going to pinch hit and strike out today. I don't really have anything to say. I could update the "Dear Dave" section with a new batch of letters, but it's just a bit too hot in my room. In fact, it's almost so hot that I may not even masturbate myself to sleep tonight. Well, that's probably pushing it. I'll update letters tomorrow and rant a little about sexual harassment in the work place. I may even post some nice Faith Hill nipple pics. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

Things are getting heated --
Love advice from a guy that gets laid less than most 13 year old choir boys isn't always the best thing to follow, but that's what you're getting in today's "Dear Dave" update. At least it's more fun than staying up all night because you think you're having a heart attack. Chest pains, bad. Trying to be love doctor, good. 

Kristin Kreuk is still hot --
Just in case you thought she might not be hot anymore, I have some photo evidence that proves that Smallville's Kristin Kreuk is still a hottie. No need to thank me, it's why I've been put on this damn planet. I might as well do what I'm meant to do. 

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Word to your mother --
The update streak is now at 20 days in a row and counting. Twenty-seven more to match Johnny U's TD pass streak and only 36 more to equal Joe D's hitting streak. Won't even start talking about matching Cal's consecutive game's played streak because that's just not happening. Anyway, "Dear Dave" has been updated yet again. Included are replies to all of the emails that were left sitting in my Inbox, including a personal one about possible revenge...

Used needles --
I hope I don't get HIV from using these old needles. Well, considering that they are my used needles and I don't have HIV, it's probably impossible for me to get HIV from them. Whatever. I don't have any other choice because I'm out of new needles right now (I have several boxes at work, but can't get to work until my car's fix) and need to take this insulin. It just hurts more when I poke myself with one of these used ones. 

Monday, September 16, 2002

She was one of my first.

She's the boss --
The new Babe of the Week has been a reoccurring star in my masturbatory fantasies over the course of nearly 30 years. And luckily for me, when I was rubbing one out to the 13 year old Alyssa Milano, I was only about 13 years of age myself, so there was nothing overly wrong with it. That is, unless you're one of those types of people that think that masturbation is genocide. Anyway, she's been spank-worthy for a long ass time and is as hot as ever at 29. 

My computer sux0rs --
I must've downloaded some pr0n that I shouldn't have because my laptop is on the fritz. It will randomly just piss out the blue screen of death and then reboot itself. I'll have to turn it on and then off like two or three times before it'll actually boot up correctly again. 

Sucks because I can't figure out what's causing it exactly. I think my hard drive might be nearing death because it seems to chug right before the PC crashes. I guess I shouldn't be using a laptop as an everyday computer, especially when you consider how much "multimedia" I watch on it. 

I need something new, anyway, because this PII 400 laptop just seems ass hair old now. Too bad I'm already whoring myself out to get $2100 to fix my car or else I could've just used that cock-sucking cash to buy a more powerful PC. Maybe I'll just take a few squirts in my mouth for some bonus money that I could just put in my "new PC" fund. I could always spit it out if it doesn't taste good. Hell, I need more protein in my diet, so I shouldn't worry about it.  

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Ikaruga Wallpaper --
I love this game. Treasure is simply one of a kind. I don't have much more to say about Ikaruga that I haven't already, so I'll just share with you some wallpaper images that were on the game's GD-ROM. I hope you like them. But even if you don't, I still love you. 

Saturday, September 14, 2002

Treasure is God! --
Just when I begin to get the feeling that videogames might have passed me by, I play a Treasure game and my love for gaming is restored. As you may have figured out, I've finally got the chance to play Treasure's latest masterpiece, Ikaruga for the Sega Dreamcast. 

I've had it in my possession for nearly two weeks, but haven't been able to play it until just now because I don't own a Japanese Dreamcast or any sort of key disc to get it to work on my US console. But thanks to the Reverend Doktor David Francis Smith, who brought home a Japanese unit from IGN, I was able to give it a spin today. God bless his soul. 

Although I've only played it for about 3-4 hours in all, I've already come to believe that this is one of the greatest shooters ever created. It is easily the best looking shooter I've ever seen. It has a phenomenal soundtrack, the light/dark Silhouette Mirage-esque gameplay brings an amazing amount of depth to the shooter genre, the game's control feels about as perfect as you could ever wish for in a videogame, and it's a thrill to play with either one or two players. 

Only time will tell if this will be able to unseat Radiant Silvergun as the greatest shooter ever made. But it's not worth it to try and argue if this is the best or simply second-best. The bottom line is that Ikaruga has already proven to me that it's a must-own game for anyone that enjoys shooters. It's really that damn good. 

If you have an import DC or have the ability to play Japanese Dreamcast games on your US system, then you really owe it to yourself to pick up this work of genius. If not, you could possibly wait until January as that's when this game should be released on the Nintendo GameCube. 

I'm sorry if I sound a bit overly-excited and fanboy-ish, but games this good just don't come around all that often. You must treasure the gems when you get a chance to experience them. Nobody that considers him or herself a gamer should go through life without having experienced a game like this. You really owe it to yourself. I promise, you won't be disappointed.  

Friday, September 13, 2002

Pain is temporary, pride is forever --
I don't know how that relates at all to this update of "Dear Dave". In fact, I'd say that it has nothing at all to do with today's letters update. I just get bored and don't know what to use as a title and "Dear Dave" Updated gets kind of boring after a while. Anyway, it's a nice update thanks to all the new emails that rolled in after yesterday's bitch that I haven't been getting all that many. I love you guys! In a completely heterosexual kind of way...I think. 

Lower Extremity Atherosclerosis --
I might have this. We all know how self-diagnosis isn't always the most accurate way to do things, but while looking for something that covered all my symptoms, this kept on coming up. Whether it is really this or something else similar, the main point is that I better get my ass in gear because I've been ignoring my lower-leg and foot problems for far too long. 

They all started during the heavy part of the 2K3 development cycle, where I was basically sitting down at a computer desk 22 hours a day, sleeping for two and then repeating the process. I couldn't really do anything about it then because I just had a lot of work to do, but there's no excuse now. I need to start exercising, watching what I eat and cut back on the alcohol. And hopefully, I can stop this before my feet need to be amputated. I'm going for a walk. Wish me luck! 

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Wednesday, September 11, 2002

 

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

She just had some DaveZ.

She helped shape my body --
Okay, she might have helped shaped my body if I had actually been working out when I would watch Fitness Beach just to check out this hottie. But instead of working out, I was rubbing one out. Well, saying "one" would be a bit of an understatement. Anyway, enough with my masturbatory escapades. This week's Babe of the Week is none other than the former Body Shaping beauty, Leeann Tweeden. 

Getting back to the good stuff --
Alright, got some normal, non-rant updates for you including an all-new and better-than-ever "Dear Dave". Okay, it might not really be better-than-ever, but it is definitely all-new. Read it and you might be amused or you might not. 

There are no guarantees in life, so I won't offer you any on this site. If you get fat from eating McDonalds, it's your fault and not mine. Although, I'm thinking of suing those companies that put "FAT FREE" on their sugary candy...they tricked me into thinking that they wouldn't make me fat! Those bastards!

Monday, September 9, 2002

Mondays are booty -- 
I just found out today that the total cost of repairs for my currently stranded '89 Honda Accord will be more than $2,000 (I bought the car for just under $1800). Ouch. So, now I must decide IF I want to fix it or try and buy another used car that will most likely break down itself in a month or two. My credit is too shit, or I would've just bought or leased something new.

It's still all cool, though. The Dolphins and Hurricanes both won this weekend, so I'm in a pretty good overall mood. Just have to do a lot of thinking to figure out exactly what I should do. If I buy another used car, there's no telling what I'll end up having to repair on it. And if I repair this one, there's no telling what'll be next -- and the $2,000 repair will be for a rebuilt transmission, which could always crap out after its 30 day warranty. 

I had been planning to update both the "Dear Dave" and Babe of the Week sections today, but that might get delayed until tomorrow if I have to spend a lot of time figuring this stuff out. My apologies to those of you just dying for new updates to those two areas of this site. I truly am sorry!

Sunday, September 8, 2002

Another Good Day -- 
Today was another good day thanks to the excellent performance by the Miami Dolphins against the Detroit Lions. On a game-by-game basis the Dolphin games don't quite matter to me as much as the Hurricanes ones because losses in college are many times more hurtful than they are in the NFL. Still, I figured this was an important game for the Fins to win because you just can't lose the "easy" ones these days in the NFL because there aren't going to be that many. 

I'm also glad that it appears that the Dolphins might have themselves a viable running game this year. Yes, it was against the Lions, but they were making certain 3rd and short and goalline plays that I don't think they would've last year. Go Fins!

Saturday, September 7, 2002

Thank You Miami -- 
Yes, it does suck that my car is currently broke down in the parking lot of the Stonestown Galleria (it's just a mall). And it sucks even more that it's going to cost me about $1K to have the transmission overhauled and a few more bucks to have the car towed from the mall parking lot to wherever I choose to have it fixed. Even worse is the fact that I have to pay for those repairs somehow with only $100 in my banking account. But you know what? I don't really care anymore.

Thanks to the University of Miami football team and their blowout win over the Florida Gators at The Swamp, this is officially a GREAT weekend and a GREAT week for me. It might be sad that the Miami Hurricanes hold so much power over my happiness, but that's just the way it is and the way it has always been for nearly 20 years of my life. 

So, thank you Miami. Your impressive 41-16 victory over the Gators has turned what started out to be a horrible weekend into a fantastic one. Keep up the great work and GO CANES!

Drunken update, not so funny... -- 
Woke up this morning (no hangover -- Skyy claims that it's hangover proof) feeling pretty good about everything. Sure, I could still taste Vodka in my mouth, but that's better than waking up with a sore asshole and a dick that smells like shit -- that story will have to be shared another day...  

Umm, all was good until I read the drunken "Dear Dave" update. Nothing was really wrong with it, except that it wasn't as funny as I would think a drunken update would be. Maybe stoned or on acid would be the better way to go, but drunk just didn't work out all that well.  

Skyy Vodka, nectar of the Gods -- 
Life kicking you in the nuts? Well, you can do what I do and just turn to the almighty, Skyy Vodka. All of last night's problems have been washed away with some Red Bull and Skyy Vodka. And all it took was about three or four pints of the Skyy goodness. Car is broke down in the parking lot of the mall? Who gives a shit? Not me. Life is good. 

As promised, here's an update to the "Dear Dave" section. Keep in mind that I'm a bit more than slightly intoxicated, so I can't promise a worthwhile update because I'm kind of out of it. It's taken me about 30 minutes to type these two paragraphs because I keep misspelling everything and keep having to re-type all this crap. 

Don't expect anything really cool because the update kind of sucks. And this is coming from a drunk guy who would probably screw a donkey right now if he had one around right now. Anyway, I'm about to pass out. Good night. God bless. Sweet dreams. Masturbation is genocide. If you don't give those little sperm dudes a chance for life, you're just killing them. 

Anyone want a free car? -- 
Okay, welcome to bad mood Dave. First, I find out that it's going to cost about $1K to get a transmission overhaul for my car. Second, it had been drivable all week by switching gears manually, so I figured that it would be okay to take it to the Olive Garden for dinner...but it wasn't. The transmission completely died in the parking lot of the mall, spilling some kind of fluid all over the place. I swear, I think the mechanics fucked the shit up worse than it was when they were trying to diagnose the problem. 

Anyway, we opted to just go ahead and eat since there was nothing we could really do about the car. We each got never-ending bowls of pasta with sausage -- which prompted me to say in front of the cute waitress, "we're having a bit of a sausage fest here!". This basically set the tone of the whole dinner as there was gay joke after gay joke, some hidden in innuendo and others just out there in the open. 

The highlight of the night turned out to be a slip of words, as when Sam put down his fork to say, "I'm finished", I quickly belted out, "I want your sausage". It didn't take too long for everyone to really realize what I had just said and all three of us just started laughing our asses off in the restaurant. Luckily, it was almost empty because it was close to closing time. Still, I had hoped that I would have died before EVER saying to another man, "I want your sausage!".  

The good thing is that it got my mind off of my stupid car and how it doesn't work. My first reaction is to just head down to 7-11 and massacre everybody that drives up in a working car. And when they ask me why I killed all these people, just reply calmly, "their cars worked". I've calmed down a bit, so I'm going to deal with it like a man -- a shit load of vodka. 

So, I'm either going to drink myself into a coma, or I'll get nice and liquored up and supply all of you with a nice drunken update to the "Dear Dave" section later tonight. 

Christina Aguilera's pierced nipple -- 
If you've been following Christina Aguilera's life as deeply as I have been, you would know that she's been getting a bunch of piercings, including some in places where "we could use our imagination to figure out", according to her. Well, we ain't gotta use our imaginations no more, as I've found photos showing a pierced nipple in one and a pierced clit in the other. Yes, my friends, I am your God!

29 1/2 Years down, 6 months to go --
If you're one to believe the predictions of an old, wart-faced wench looking into crystal balls telling people their future at county fairs in Delaware, then I have less than six months to live. Back in the summer of '93, I attended a county fair in DE and decided to take a sneak peek at my future.

I gave the old hag $10 and she said I could ask her three questions about my future. My first was, "will I get laid any time soon?" She quickly responded, "No!". My second question was, "will I become rich?" She looked into the ball and after about 10-15 seconds replied with, "No, in fact, I see unemployment in your very near future." My final question was, "when will I die?" She stared into the ball for about a minute and then responded, "you will not live to see your 30th birthday."

Wednesday, September 4, 2002

ManaByte pr0n, featuring Monica Bellucci! --
My boy Jeremy Conrad decided to hook us all up with some nice high quality captures of the beautiful Monica Bellucci nude from the upcoming DVD release of Brotherhood of the Wolf. We love Jeremy. He rules.

Tuesday, September 3, 2002

It's getting hot in herrrrre --
A lot of letters about Tool, a very private question about my tool and few other topics are covered in the latest update to "Dear Dave". You'll definitely enjoy it if you are a fan of Tool or just want to know more about my tool, which I've commonly referred to as a Super Penis™.  

American Idol -- 
Well, the American Idol craze has swept America. I finally decided to watch it because I was watching some special on That '70s Show and it just so happened to come on after it. I don't get it. I also don't get how that Justin punk is one of the final two. Were the rest that bad? Or do young teenage girls just find this guy to be really cute and are only voting with their hormones? 

I swear, girls are hornier than guys by a long shot. They just do a better job of keeping it a secret. I want that Kelly Clarkson chick to win because she actually has a really good voice and seems to have some singing talent. 

I also hope that we as a country can start making our OWN crazes instead of always taking something from the U.K. (the Beatles, Millionaire, The Weakest Link, Pop Idol, etc.). Thank God for the upcoming Football season. If not for football, I would just lose what sanity I have left. 

Eating disorders... --
Seeing that Justin kid on American Idol got me to thinking about something...eating disorders. Women typically blame fashion magazines and a media that likes to center out unrealistically thin women as the cause for many eating disorders with the fairer sex. 

I don't get how it's all that different between men and women. I see more "unrealistically thin" men being glamorized than I do women in magazines. Yet, men don't seem to have the same problems as these women do. For example, take Britney Spears. I just saw a re-run of some Sally Jessie show where they focused on Britney Spears being the cause of a lot of anorexia and bulimia with young women because she presents an unrealistically thin goal for girls to try and reach. 

What? While Britney is by no means fat, she does have some meat on her. That girl has a nice round ass and some thick thighs. Thick thighs that I would love wrapped around my head, but thick thighs nonetheless. And if you don't believe me, check out any picture of her with her ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake. Justin is taller than her and about HALF her size. One of Britney's thighs are thicker than Justin's ENTIRE body. Obtaining Britney's figure would be MUCH easier for the average woman to meet than for the average man to get Justin Timberlake's physique. 

Hell, my BONES alone are thicker than Justin. But you don't see me sticking my finger down my throat because I see him all over teen magazines and girls going crazy over him. Why can't girls that "can't" be Britney or whatever supermodel is gracing the cover of the newest Cosmo just deal with the fact that it's NOT them? I don't get it. 

Monday, September 2, 2002

Even better than pizza!

Most Beautiful Woman In The World --
It's not my claim, but that's what a lot of people seem to think about my new Babe of the Week, the lovely Monica Bellucci. I won't argue because this lady is damn fine. I would rub one out right now in her honor, but it's kind of hot in my apartment this afternoon and I'm sweaty enough without getting "busy". The deed will just have to wait until it cools down a bit. That shouldn't stop you, though. That is, unless the image of a sweaty fatty blowing his load makes you impotent. 

Tool's Lateralus gets a thumbs up --
Once I realized that I had Monday off from work because of Labor Day, I decided to take it easy Sunday night and listen to some CDs in my bedroom with the door shut and the lights out. This turned out to be the perfect way to listen to Tool's Lateralus, which happens to be the band's third full-length studio album and the first that I've personally ever listened to.  

I am by no means a music expert and am the last person in the world you should be listening to when it comes to opinions on music, but based on a night's listening to Lateralus I've come to the conclusion that it's one of those CDs that you really need to listen to from start to finish in order to get its full impact. And even a full listen through won't likely be enough for you to fully appreciate the album's most endearing qualities and to really take it all in.  

As simple background music, it loses a lot of its significance and if you let the tracks play randomly, you'll miss out a lot in how the songs are all tied together. For some, the album's length -- it chalks in at about seventy-seven minutes -- and seemingly prolonged running times of many of its thirteen tracks, combined with the fact that it's something that should be listened to all at once and in order might be a bit of a turn off. However, it's not that daunting of a task once you allow yourself to get lost in the music. 

The reason I believe this is that while the songs were undeniably long, it never felt like the band was just killing time or making space. Each and every note seemed to have a purpose and each song seemed to flow seamlessly into the next. It's as if Tool could've released this as a single track and it all would've worked just as well. 

My personal highlights of the album include the way Parabol and Parabola seem to play off each other, the lead vocalist's almost-haunting vocals on some of the songs and just the raw power of many of the tracks. Lateralus is hard rock metal at its best and I'm thankful that it was recommended to me. It definitely gets my recommendation for those of you that were like me and have never heard any of this band's work. 

(out of 5 stars)

Don't listen to my music reviews! --
Now that you've read my thoughts about Lateralus, please forget everything I've said! You might be able to argue that I'm qualified to review videogames, but the same can't be said for me and music. I have no musical background, I tend to like a very wide range of music across just about every genre imaginable and I wouldn't be given a job as a music critic by anyone that had a brain in his or her little head. 

That said, what I wrote above is simply my opinion of Lateralus. I still need to listen to it more, but I love what I've heard so far -- gone through the CD about four times. It has the potential to go down as one of my all-time favorite CDs, a list that includes Nirvana's Nevermind, Metallica's "Black Album" and Master of Puppets, Guns 'n' Roses' Appetite For Destruction, Pearl Jam's 10, AC/DC's Back In Black, Sum 41's All Killer No Filler, No Doubt's Tragic Kingdom, Michael Jackson's Thriller, and a few others. It's really damn good and my first impression of the Coldplay CD I picked up along with it is that it's equally as fantastic. 

Britney Spears, lesbian porn star --
Okay, that might be wishful thinking, but we can still dream. Robert Runyon sent me a copy of some tabloid news story that I found pretty interesting. Maybe now that her career is on the downhill slide, her newfound friends will hook her up with some work...

Sunday, September 1, 2002

The truth about everything --
The truth or at least my version of the truth is revealed in the newest update to the "Dear Dave" section. I know you're excited because I can see your semi-erect penis from here. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you. It's those of you that prematurely ejaculate or can't get it up at all that'll have to deal with my wrath. 

Lovely search strings -- 
The most often used search strings that people use to find DaveZdyrko.com are typically things like "Dave Z", "Dave Zdyrko", "Dave Z IGN", "Dave Z NFL 2K3 IGN", or some kind of mix of each of these. After those, I'll get some basic ones like "Lisa Gleave", "Britney Spears" or any other name of a previous Babe of the Week. 

Well, today I got bored and decided to go through the entire list of search strings and found some really frightening ones. Here's a sample of some of the "weird" things that people type into a search engine, like Google, and head to my site for:

"70s retro nudes"
"gross nipples"
"i just want to see halle barry naked"
"mary-kate and ashley olsen wet t-shirt pictures"
"matt damon masturbating"
"avril lavigne rape"
"masturbating fat guys"
"natalie portman hustler"
"nude pictures of mary kate and ashley olsen"
"donkey ass fuck" 

Umm, okay. If you've come to my site after searching for any of the above...GO AWAY! You scare me. Well, except for the Halle Barry one. That was just funny the way it was worded. Same with the Natalie Portman one. But Mary-Kate and Ashley? Come on. Wait a few years, at least!  

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