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"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."
- Anon
   

Thursday, October 31, 2002

It's a "Dear Dave" kind of day --
Christina's nude photo shoot? Britney's boobies? And a whole lot of other topics that are a lot more interesting than things like war in the Middle East, the homeless problem in San Francisco and the size of my wonderful penis. Yep, "Dear Dave" has been updated with the goods that you can't live without. 

Very annoying, but still like it... --
GTA Vice City can be pretty ass hard and cunt-faced annoying at times. I'm still loving it, though, but haven't cussed this much at a game in years. I hope Rockstar looks into fixing the controls, the oddball AI (at times), the lack of saves, and a few other of my gripes. Damn fun game when I'm not ready to throw my damn PlayStation 2 out my window. 

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

Dear Diary --
I was a very bad, bay boy today. I stole about 100 different cars, a few motorcycles, a bus, some taxis, a police car and an ambulance, killed some guy's wife, wasted a bunch people at a night club for simply dancing poorly, shot a couple of dozen people while flying around in a helicopter, hijacked a military tank, killed all of the mourners at some guy's funeral, and worst of all...did it all while listening to '80s music. Why? I had nothing better to do and, well, I just wanted to get paid. 

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Buy her CD and then let her know you did it because of me...maybe that'll get her to sleep with me!

Christina Aguilera...Stripped --
Even though I've been listening to the entire album for about a week now thanks to some l33t p1r8s, today remains special because it marks the official release of my sweet little slut's new CD, which is appropriately titled Stripped. Her new image -- skank, slut, whore, dirty bitch, etc. -- has gotten all of attention of late (and I've sure as hell been overworking my wrist muscles over it), but this album deserves some props because it's actually really damn good.

Christina has always been the most talented vocalist of all the teen pop tarts and her maturation as an artist and vocalist really shine through on Stripped. On the album she covers a wide variety of styles including a little rock, a little hip-hop, a little R&B and a little soul and she really manages to do them all well thanks to her powerful set of lungs.

Some reviews have complained that this variety is the record's downfall because she seems to be trying to be so many different things and fails to create an identity for herself, but I don't agree with this summation at all. I feel that her voice shines through in just about all of the songs on the album and it's her voice that is her true identity and not some genre that you'd want to pigeonhole her music into.

My personal favorites on the album, so far, include Beautiful, I'm Okay, Fighter and Dirrty (most reviews like to hate on this one, but I just can't get the video out of my head and can't stop myself from jamming to it whenever I'm playing it loud on my drive to work), but just about all of the songs are really good. For those of you that actually listen to a lot of CDs from pop artists, which I embarrassingly do, this is actually a rarity.

It's obviously not the same style of music as the bands or artists that most of you seem to listen to and have recommended to me, like Tool, Coldplay, Andrew WK, Children of Bodom, Opeth, Rhapsody, etc, so it might not be up your ally. However, if you happen to like a variety of musical styles and are into the genres mentioned above, you may want to give Stripped a listen. It's not at all like the music you generally associate with female pop artists. Hell, even if you don't enjoy the music, you can always have some fun spanking it to the sexy images in her CD booklet.

(out of 5 stars)

Grand Theft Auto Vice City --
I didn't think that I was going to be able to get a copy of this game today because I was too lazy to pre-order it, but I lucked out and was able to "convince" the salesclerk at Electronics Boutique to go ahead and sell me one of the copies that was being held for one of the pre-orders. Good news is that I have the game and it kicks ass. The bad news is that I can't seem to get the pasty, salty and bitter taste out of my mouth no matter how much I brush my teeth or rinse with mouthwash. I guess it's worth it, though. This latest purchase brings my PlayStation 2 software total up to 104 titles. 

Play that funky music --
While I was at the mall picking up Christina's Stripped, which I reviewed above and really love, I also picked up a few other albums including Nirvana, Jennifer "Milky Breasts" Love Hewitt's Barenaked, Tool's Aenima, and Faith Hill's Cry. Today's new purchases brings the total number of albums in my Music CD collection to 143. I'll try to write reviews for each one and hopefully they all won't get four stars a piece like all the CDs that I've reviewed so far have gotten. 

Monday, October 28, 2002

Shake that booty! Shake it!

It's all about the booty --
Her breasts may be small and humble, but Shakira's booty is undeniably one of the best around. Not only is she packing much heat, but the girl just knows how to shake it and make you want to spank it. That's why, sweet little Shakira is my new Babe of the Week. Shake that booty girl!

Body-for-LIFE progress report --
Today is day 35 of my Body-for-LIFE program that I started on September 23, 2002, meaning that I've just finished five full weeks. Things are going pretty good so far and my current weight is now 358 lbs 13 oz, which means I've lost approximately 27 lbs since I started on this new lifestyle plan and approximately 5 1/2 lbs per week. 

I'm still not really seeing much of a physical change, as my face looks as fat as ever, but the good news is that my shorts are falling down a lot more than they've ever before. Good thing for me, bad thing for those that don't want to see my hairy ass on the days I decide to go Commando. Anyway...

My short term goal is to go below 350 lbs so that I can buy a scale that'll work at home instead of going to GNC at 10AM every Monday morning. Long term goal is to get below 250 lbs. Once I get there, I figure I'll have a much better idea of what my ideal weight should be and will then make another more specific goal. I'm taking baby steps, though, and am looking at this one day at a time. Clichéd enough for you?

Jessica Simpson gets deflowered --
If you had dreams of being the guy that would get to take 22 year old Jessica Simpson's virginity away, it seems that your dreams will not come true -- unless you happen to be Nick Lahey, who she just tied the knot with this past weekend. The female pop semi-star, who turned many heads with her Maxim pictorial, was likely deflowered this past weekend as she had claimed that she was saving herself for marriage and well, she's now married. She, obviously, didn't follow up Maxim's request of making it a pay per view event, because nothing of the sort happened. I sure as hell would've paid for it.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

In a land before time --
Hey, it's that "Dear Dave" update that I started working on for yesterday's update that didn't happen. It's happened today thanks to the fact that the Dolphins didn't play, so all the football games seemed pretty boring to me. I'm looking pretty good in my fantasy league right now because I'm only seven points down with four players to go and two for my opponent. Like you even care. Just read the "Dear Dave" update and leave me be. 

An all-new review! --
It's not by me, but it's an all-new review for the never-updated Reviews section. You can't argue with that. So, take a second and give Bizzy's review of Abandon a read. Maybe some day I'll actually write some new reviews by myself. Until then, I'll let some contributors handle all the leg work. 

 

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Not meeting my own expectations --
Today was a pretty weird day. I actually had a lot of stuff planned for the site today, but didn't get much done. I did some letter responses but didn't finish all of them, so that update will have to wait until tomorrow. Spent most of the day watching college football, the World Series and The Brotherhood of the Wolf -- which turned out to be a pretty kick ass movie. I just wish that one chick would've gotten nude it in. Is that too much to ask? It's a French film, damn it. 

My mighty Hurricanes might be the most talented team in the country, but I'm really scared about how this season will end up because I don't think they're coached all that well and I don't think they have the same drive and desire that helped fuel their National Championship run last season. I guess it's hard to see that you're not perfect when you've won 29 games in a row, but their lack of intensity and non-existent game planning by the coaches might cost them a repeat National Championship. 

Been listening to a lot of Christina Aguilera's new CD, Stripped, which I downloaded and had Toole burn onto a CD for me so I could listen to it in my car. It's much better than I had expected it to be and a lot of the songs really do a great job of showing off that girl's true vocal talent. It's too bad that her all-new skanky image will probably get most of the attention because this is actually a very good CD. 

Then again, I can't really be mad at her for choosing the way of the slut because it sure as hell been good for my recent masturbatory fantasies. I believe I've jerked off with her in mind at least once a day for about the past two or three weeks. If she knew, I bet she'd be hella proud and even honored. I know I would be if I found out that I was a part of someone's fantasies for that long of a period of time.

Anyway, since the Dolphins don't play tomorrow, I'll probably sleep in a bit. But after that, I hope to have a better update for y'all. I'm making no promises, though. 

 

Friday, October 25, 2002

Games and shit --
Here's a couple of things to expect this weekend -- a movie review from a site contributor, my list of my top 10 favorite games of all time, a "Dear Dave" update, and hopefully my impressions of the Christina Aguilera Rolling Stone cover that I hope to get my hands on and eventually my jizz on before the end of this weekend. Tonight, I'm just going to chill around my crib and watch some DVDs with Toole, Bishop, and maybe Smith if he comes home. 

 

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Britney vs. Christina, PlayStation 2 vs. GameCube --
Just as it appears that my site has become some sort of full-fledged and completely demented Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera fan/stalker site, I bust out some hot videogame news. Too bad for you that the new revolves around, you guessed it, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. 

About a week ago, Britney attended a special PlayStation 2 Online party that I believe was in Hollywood. Not too sure. But here are some photos from the event that I got sometime last week but failed to post until today: 

Meanwhile, my other obsessions, Christina Aguilera, showed up at a special "Nintendo Goes Platinum" party for the GameCube that was definitely held in Hollywood. Here are some nice HQ pictures of her from the red carpet:

The sad thing about both of these parties is that I might have had a chance to go to at least one of them if I had still been working for IGN. Sucks for me, I guess. The last PS2 Hollywood party I went to I got completely shit-faced drunk (well, I do this at every single gaming industry party I go to) and spent the night bothering celebrities by either going up to them and saying that I loved them or by simply talking to them as if I had no clue who the hell they were. 

In case you missed it when I told some of the tidbits about this when I was still at IGN -- I yelled "I love you!" to David Arquette as he was walking away from me, he turned around and said, "who me?" I said, "yes," and then he responded, "I love you, too!" I also told the chick from A Knight's Tale, who was DJ'ing, that I loved her in the movie and went up to Bill Maher and the big guy from King of Queens, as they were just standing against some pole looking bored, and commented "it looks like you guys are doing just as bad as me with the ladies tonight." 

Anyway, what I was getting at was that it would've been extremely interesting to see how I would've acted around Britney Spears. It's entirely possible that I could've charmed her into going back to my hotel room and screwing my brains out. And seeing how Christina Aguilera has been lately, I bet I could just waved a $100 bill in her face and she would've been mine for an hour. 

Shinobi is mine --
I just added Shinobi to my PS2 collection. Only played a little of it a few weeks ago when Smith brought a copy home for a weekend. Not sure what I think about it, but it's free thanks to lunch-snob Anthony Chau. Here are all my PlayStation 2 games. I am now the proud own of 103 games for Sony's market-dominating system. Maybe I'll review something soon. But even if I don't, you can expect some new reviews on this site in the very near future as some are being contributed as we speak (we're not really speaking, by the way...).

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

Click the image to see a large HQ scan of the cover I first shared with you yesterday!

Christina confirms clit piercing & attraction to guys with "flava" --
In the Rolling Stone issue where she appears nakey on the cover, Christina Aguilera revealed a couple of interesting factoids about herself. First, she has 11 visible piercings on her body -- including five in her ears and one each in her nose, lower lip and right nipple (I've shared numerous photos showing this baby off) -- and a special diamond-studded "ornament" known only to her doctor and selected boyfriends -- all 500 of them. 

She was even quoted as saying, "I've gotten a lot of compliments on it. It just seemed erotic in a place that most people wouldn't have the guts to do it." Although, while the nipple and clit aren't a problem, she claimed that she would never pierce her navel or tongue because the navel piercings are "too played out" and the tongue piercings are "very sorority". Interesting. I guess she didn't mind the "too slutty" implications of the clit and nipple piercings. 

The second big revelation she made was that she would rather not date white guys. Christina confessed, "I want the boys with the 'flava!' He's got to have some flava and edge to him." She also said of Jennifer Love Hewitt, "She wants a bunch of white boys I don't want . . . I would scare the shit out of her if she came to one of my sleepovers."

Whiteys need not commit suicide just yet, because she went on to add, "I don't discriminate because of color. I actually dated my first [white] one recently."

I guess I should feel blessed for my mixed roots or something. I'm just not sure if I have all that much "flava," though. I guess I can just fake it for a while, hook up with Christina, screw her, cum in her face and then look her in the eyes after we're done and say something sweet like, "What the fuck are you still doing here?" Then I could just move on to the next ho. 

If you're not willing to fork out the dough to pick up the new issue of Rolling Stone or are just too embarrassed to buy a magazine with a near nude Christina on the cover, here's a sample of some of the better pictures you'll find in it. 

A couple more DVDs --
I've been bringing lunch to work every day for a reason -- so I can save money so I can continue buying DVDs. The latest movies to make my DeeVeeDee collection include Mr. Deeds featuring Adam Sandler and E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial Limited Collector's Edition featuring the super sexy Drew Barrymore in her prime. 

The DaveZdyrko.com banner! --
A first-time emailer and longtime reader of the crap I write, who calls himself Jasie, has created a nice little banner that people can use to link to my site, if they so feel like it. I would've made one myself, but then I'd have to skip a week of updating or something like that. You wouldn't want that, I'm sure. Here's the banner:

Feel free to use this if you have some site and want to link to me. Just make sure that the Feds don't find me through your link because I'll be very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. And as a reward to Jasie for going through all this trouble to make me a nice little banner, I suggest that all of you go check out his very own personal website. It's actually a good read and is pretty damn funny. So do me a favor and follow this linky link: 

Move over Joe DiMaggio! --
Today marks my 56th consecutive day without missing an update, matching Joe DiMaggio's untouchable 56 game hitting streak. And since we all know writing a paragraph or two and uploading it to some website is a whole lot more challenging than hitting a stupid baseball, my streak is many times more impressive! I rule!

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

Christina naked...again --
It looks like my precious little slut really hates clothing. If you pick up the next issue of Rolling Stone magazine you'll see our very own Christina Aguilera on the cover completely nude -- well, the naughty bits are obviously covered up. Here's a small scan of the cover that I found somewhere on the thing we like to call the 'net. 

Stiffer, longer and still uncut! --
I've already shared some of the positives that I've experienced since starting this Body-for-LIFE program -- lost about 20 lbs, waist is about 2 1/2" smaller, taking less insulin, have more energy, blah, blah, blah. Well, today I noticed the biggest and most important positive side effect of this program yet! A larger and stiffer penis!

I'm not even joking, my friends. I've been noticing that over the past week or so that my erections have been much stronger and a whole lot stiffer than they've been in a long time. Well, today, I actually did the hat test and was able to hang a hat on my rock-hard erection (sorry Sam, it was one of your hats). What's more, I even busted out the old ruler and the little prick measured in at a whopping 6 1/4" (1/4" bigger than my last measurement about a month ago). My Super Penis™ is becoming a Super Cock™!

The best news is that what inspired me to do the test and bust out the measuring stick was that I actually SAW my penis for the first time since the Reagan administration without the use of a mirror or by hunching over. I was able to clearly see the top of my erect penis cock by turning my head down and looking!

I still can't see little Dave when he's not aroused cause he's still shy as hell and likes to hide like a scared little turtle, almost as if he doesn't even exist. But when duty calls, he's standing taller and more confident than ever!

Just think about it, if I continue my current pace with this Body-for-LIFE program...a year from now I'll weigh 100 lbs, have an 18-inch waist and a 9 1/4" throbbing piece of manhood! I'll be all COCK and nothing else!

Now that I've got the image of a fat man's penis stuck in your head...

She's not even legal! Pervert!

Not-yet-legal Babe of the Week! --
Why did I tell you a story of my penis? That's simple. I've done it to protect you. Why do you need protection? This week's Babe of the Week is a mere 16 years old, which means that she's not-yet-legal! If you get horny and go do her after seeing her pictures, it'd be rape and I could get in trouble for inspiring it. So, when you get horny, just think to yourself, "fat guy's penis, fat guy's penis!"

Although, now that I think about it, even when Babe of the Week Kaley Cuoco turns 18 years old, she still won't be legal to most of you. Why do I say that? The simple fact that NO means NO and even though she's of the legal age to consent, she probably won't consent to screwing you. Sucks to be you! Fat guy's penis! Fat guy's penis!

Some good news, some bad news --
The bad news is that I've been letting my email get backed up. The good news is that I've gotten myself all caught up today and as a result you have yourself a somewhat large "Dear Dave" letters section update. Okay, I'm not sure why that's exactly good news, but it is. Considering that the world we live in can be such shit sometimes, you gotta accept whatever good comes your way. So stop being so damn picky! 

Just go read the "Dear Dave" update even if you don't want to. It'll make your life better even if you don't think it will. 

Monday, October 21, 2002

Body-for-LIFE progress report --
I weighed in this morning at 366 lbs 10 oz; meaning that I've dropped approximately 10 lbs since I first started weighing myself on this program. My guess is that I was at least 385 lbs before I started working out and eating right, so it's possible that I've already lost about 20 lbs.

Sad thing is that when you weigh as much as I do, you can lose 100 lbs and STILL be an overly obese son of a bitch. But I won't let that bother me because I'm already feeling a lot better, the belt that I wore at IGN but grew out of at VC fits again (still a bit tight when I sit down and drive), and the fact that I don't have to stab myself with a needle every day of my freaking life makes it all worth it.

Plus, fat guys are just funny and the longer I stay a fat guy, the better. I may lose half my readers when I'm a buff 200 lb male getting laid every hour by a different hot Bay Area babe...well, unless I can convince some of them to pose on my site... But, we'll worry about that crap later.

Christina's naked pierced nipples, part II --
In case you missed it Saturday (it seems a lot of you did because I keep getting links to the same picture sent to me via email -- I really appreciate the love, by the way), here's nice collage of vidcaps from Christina Aguilera's Diary special on MTV. What's so special about the clips is that you can see her BARE NAKED NIPPLES and NIPPLE RING. MTV did a shitty job of blurring them out -- if you recorded it, like me, you can freeze frame and see the same thing. The blur spots pop-up a couple of frames too late. I love MTV pornography. Just click on the image to the right to see Miss Aguilera's naked pierced nipple.

Best job ever? --
I know a lot of you think that the jobs I've had with WD, IGN and VC would be cool to do, and they are, but I think I've learned of a job that would be even cooler than working in the gaming industry -- J.Lo's nipple-tweaker.

During the filming of her new video, a member of her entourage was asked to help tweak her nipples so that they would be more visible through her top in the video. Apparently this isn't as unusual as it sounds as many other unnamed female celebrities are reported to also have nipple-tweakers on staff in music video and movie scene emergencies where the nipples are supposed to be yelling, "hello world!" and all they're doing is trying to hide.

So, if I were you, I'd be checking the classified ads every single day. You never know, the job for "Christina Aguilera nipple-tweaker" or "[INSERT NAME HERE] nipple-tweaker" might pop up any day. Wouldn't you just hate yourself if you missed out on a job opportunity like that? If I wasn't spending so much of my time working on NFL for Visual Concepts, *I* could've easily been the guy given the job of tweaking J.Lo's nipples. Hell, I have video proof that I can tweak nipples without even using my hands. I am the master of making the female nipple become erect.

Hell hath frozen over --
I've exhausted the Internet's porn reserve! In case you didn't get that the first time, I'll say it again -- I've exhausted the Internet's porn reserve! I have done the impossible and it scares me. If you're laughing at these remarks, stop. You shouldn't laugh at something this damn serious. This is far from a laughing matter.

This past weekend, I downloaded approximately 10 gigs of pornographic mpegs off of the Web and P2P programs like KaZaa. Not a SINGLE movie that I downloaded or could find was something that I hadn't already seen before. NOT A SINGLE ONE. There was a lot that appeared new, but they turned out to just be the same old porn under a different name. I'm sorry, but changing the name from "Hot blonde threesome jizz fest" to "Blonde gets cock in ass" does not a new porno make. This is a crisis.

Just think about it. If the world had exhausted its oil reserves, would anyone be laughing? No. In fact, if the United States just used its own oil reserves and nobody else's, we'd still have enough to last us at least another 40 to 50 years. And what we have ain't shit compared to what's in the Middle East and according to scientists, the untapped oil reserves in Siberia DWARF what the Middle East has to offer. Oil isn't a problem, yet people are ALREADY going crazy about running out of it.

What we as a people should be more worried about is that I've, in about 10 years on the Internet, have completely exhausted all of the porn reserves that the world has created. Yes, more porn is coming out every day, but it's not coming out at a fast enough pace where I'll ever fall behind. This is a travesty. This is the biggest evil that this world faces in this new millennium. Hell, I'm sure it's been mentioned in the Bible as a sign of the apocalypse. I'm worried and you should be, too.

But, it's not too late. We still have a chance to avoid total annihilation. We can survive. But in order to do so, we must unite and band together to create new laws specifically to increase the amount of new porn flow so no child or adult will EVER think, "I've seen all the porn that the world has to offer!"

Step #1: Decrease the legal age for being in pornography to 16 years. A mere two year age drop would almost instantly double the amount of porn in the world. Girls (and boys) that are 16 or 17 years old are a LOT hornier than those that are 18 and older and they are a LOT dumber, too. It'd be so much easier to get them to do pornography. And let's face it, kids as young as 13 years old are already jerking it to porn, so why shouldn't they be able to jerk it to someone more their age? I would've liked that back when I was a young boy and jerking it to Heather Locklear on TJ Hooker.

Step #2: Make Senior Citizens EARN extra Social Security money by entering into a government sponsored pornography ring. Hear me out before you automatically dismiss this. Social Security is a problem. We all know that it will NOT be there when we are old enough to collect it.

My plan would fix this and would help seniors make even more money than they currently can on Social Security alone. The seniors would get free Viagra, a lot more sex and extra money to buy whatever the hell old people buy. They'd also be in their bedrooms and OFF the roads a whole lot more. It would also make people actually look forward to their old age and retirement days because humans would finally know what a horse feels like when it retires to stud.

And, most importantly, we'd have more porn. It might not be the porn you or I would watch a lot, but that's not necessarily what matters. The world just needs more porn regardless of what kind of porn it is. And you never know, you might actually like it. You sick fuck.

Step #3: Make porn a requirement for upcoming actresses. A lot of them do it anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem. We just need to make it mandatory for all hot and upcoming actresses. And just so it won't hurt their career potential, we REQUIRE them to do the porn to become an actress but do NOT release the porn until they either become a big star or their career flops. That way, everyone wins.

Step #4: Every six months, hold an American Idol-style vote of all the available talent in the world to choose which celebrity that became famous AFTER step #3 has been implemented to be the next porn star. That way, if the people wanted, we could vote and FORCE Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera into doing a lesbian porn video for all the world to see.

Step #5: We give tax breaks to purchases pornographic spy equipment. Some of the best porn that I've downloaded has come courtesy of hidden cameras. But there's just not enough of it. And a lot of it just doesn't look all that great because of the poor quality of equipment being used. If we give tax breaks to those purchasing pornographic spy equipment, more people would be willing to do it and we'd get a better selection of hidden camera pornography.

Step #6: Porn scholarships. Some of the best porn on the 'net is done by college chicks. A lot of the time it's unsuspecting college chicks who are just doing it ONLY for their boy friend (stupid bitches...), but college chicks nonetheless. We should push more young adults into the amateur porn business by allowing them to get a free education by doing it.

By following these six simple steps, I think we can actually SAVE the world. But, I fear that we will do nothing and the world, as we know it, may soon end. Maybe THIS is what the old hag had predicted. The reason that I may not see my 30th birthday might be that the world will end before then. If changes are not made, we may all die before I turn 30! Be afraid!

As a warning, I'm delaying Babe of the Week a single day. You're going to have to wait until Tuesday for a brand new babe. Sorry, but life's a bitch.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

Ray Pucas to the rescue! --
Bad, bad day for my Miami Dolphins. You just know it's going to be a long day for your team when you're thinking to yourself, "Damn, I wish we had Jay Fiedler playing!" I'd say more, but I figured Ray Lucas summed it up best with the following:

"The way I played today was probably the worst a quarterback has ever played in the history of the NFL,'' Lucas said. "I don't think I've ever thrown four picks since I was born. I embarrassed myself. ... I probably won't sleep for the next three days.''

Miami actually didn't do too bad on the whole. The shut down Bledsoe with the exception of one big play and despite the numbers, they actually didn't have as much trouble with Travis Henry as the stats would have you believe. They could've easily won the game if not for the numerous STUPID mistakes by Mr. Pucas. Ah, if we only had Jay Fiedler... 

I think the Dolphins should get Dan Marino to come out of retirement. Even if he has to play on crutches, I'm sure he'd be a step up from what I saw Sunday morning. 

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Christina Aguilera's naked pierced nipples --
Continuing today's theme -- Spank Bank™ Saturday featuring Christina Aguilera -- I've come across some nice new TV caps of my girl from her Diary special where MTV did a great job of blurring out her nipples. And by great, I mean very poor. However, a very poor job of blurring out the nipples is great for us because it means that we get to see her tits when we weren't supposed to. Thank you, MTV!

Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM BISHOP!

Spank Bank™ Saturday --
Without going into too much detail about what I've been doing with myself this afternoon, let me give you a few facts about today. The Miami Hurricanes didn't have a game. Christina Aguilera was looking HOT in her Stripped in NYC and MTV Diary specials (and so was her 16 year old sister Rachel). I recorded both one-hour specials and have been watching them over and over throughout the day. 

If you read my last "Dear Dave" update, you'll know a little bit about my Saturday habits already...well, today's been extra busy. I'm tired and actually feeling a bit sore. "Pain is temporary, pride is forever" was our team motto the year we won the State Championship in football at Caesar Rodney High School back in the day. I still live by those words, so I won't stop till the last drop. 

Friday, October 18, 2002

New batch of DVDs --
I finally broke down and purchased a few new DVDs for my previously stagnant collection. I picked up Disney's Beauty and the Beast just because...well, Disney is our lord and master and we must buy all of their products or we'll die. I also picked up Sorority Boys because I figured I'd see some tit and laugh a little -- I was right -- and got Brotherhood of the Wolf because someone told me it was decent -- can't confirm that yet. Oh, yeah, and since it was triple points day at Suncoast Video, I pre-ordered The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - Special Extended Edition, Star Wars: Episode 2 - Attack of the Clones, and Spider-Man - Special Edition

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Britney's boobies want out --
I woke up this morning to a message on my answering machine from Britney Spears who was in tears and barely comprehensible. Apparently all this attention that I've been giving to Christina has gotten her panties in a bunch. Well, I'm still hot for you Brit, so you don't have to cry anymore. There's more than enough Dave Z to go around for all the lovely ladies that this world has to offer. Just to show how much I still care, here are some new boobylicious pictures of Ms. Spears and her scrumptious nipples that are just dying to be set free. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

My dirrty little slut --
It took some getting used to, but I'm beginning to warm up to Christina Aguilera's new image -- think cheap, dirty, slut, whore, and everything else along those lines if you haven't been paying attention. While I'm still more into the all-American girl next door persona, I can't help but stiffen up a bit whenever new photos of the all-new Christina happen to pop-up on my computer monitor. 

Here's a look at one of the newer pics of her that can be found in the most recent issue of Blender, which happens to be promoting its next issue that will apparently feature more saucy photos of my future fuck buddy (not sure if she'd make good marriage material). Enjoy!

Our E3 booth babe beauties --
For those of you that are into either Diana Kauffman or Lisa Gleave, two of the hottest booth babes from E3 2002, you will want to be on the look out for a special update that should happen by the end of the week. I plan to share all of the photos that I currently have of both of these Spank Bank™ queens.

My Diabetes has been cured! --
Okay, my diabetes has NOT actually been cured. However, my killer disease seems to be under control thanks to my new healthy lifestyle. Before I started exercising and watching my food intake, I was generally taking about 2 cc's (200 units) of insulin per day and my blood sugar levels would go up and down from the low 80s to 200+ during the course of a typical day. 

As I had mentioned about a week ago, during the first few weeks of this plan I was able to cut my insulin intake in half -- to about 1 cc (100 units) per day. And better yet, my blood sugar levels would consistently stay within the safe range (80-150 or 70-120, depending on who you ask). Well, so far this week, my sugar levels have stayed between 70 and 135 without having to take ANY insulin. It's been going slightly higher from day to day, so I may have to eventually take a small dosage, but daily shots seem to be a thing of the past if I keep this up. 

It actually took a MAJOR scare for me to realize that I needed to seriously cut back on the insulin injections. I had taken my normal dosages on Sunday and at about 3AM Monday morning I just woke up out of the blue and was completely lost and startled. I couldn't tell where the hell I was and had NO clue what was going on. I was just constantly staring at different things in my room and my mind was completely blank as I was trying to figure out if I was dreaming, awake, sick or something. I was shaking, sweating, and my heart was beating pretty loudly -- and it wasn't because I was masturbating. 

Luckily, I realized that I might be in insulin shock and did a quick test of my sugar levels. My blood sugar level was at 25 mg/dL, which is dangerously low. I'm lucky that I was able to figure out what was going on and take some sugar cubes because it could have potentially killed me. Anyway, things are looking pretty good right now and I'm pleased with the recent turn of events. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Crazy beautiful --
Another one of these "Dear Dave" updates where I don't know what to call it in the title. Who really cares anyway, because I never put anything interesting in the title anyway. I've always been horrible at things like titling news stories and coming up with tag lines for reviews, but that never stopped any of you from reading my stuff. So, don't let this stop you from reading today's update to "Dear Dave". You'll love me for it, especially if you're hot for Miss Diana Kauffman... 

Monday, October 14, 2002

The weigh-in --
I was able to weigh myself at the local GNC and I clocked in at...drum roll please...371 lbs 3 oz. That means that I'm approximately 5 lbs 7 oz lighter than I was last week. I would've liked it better if I had dropped to under 300, but I figure that might take a little longer than one week. But five pounds per week would be a nice pace to keep and I believe that I'll be able to keep it up. The diet and the exercise is starting to become second nature to me, so I don't foresee any problems with keeping on with the "lifestyle change". 

I'm never going to let go! You'll have to pry these breasts out of my cold dead fingers! 

Mums, bums and pretty little lass --
I don't know what's my favorite part about the UK edition of FHM -- the hot and often nude babes or the use of words like mum, bum, lass, and bloke. Okay, it's the women. But those words come in a not-so-distant second. One of the hot women who FHM introduced me to is Leilani Dowding.

And since FHM was kind enough to introduce this fine female specimen to me, I figured it'd be my duty to pass on the love to you, as she is my newest Babe of the Week. Don't venture inside if you're afraid of the female breast. I warned you!

My heart can't take anymore! --
If I didn't start my lifestyle change (diet and exercise) a few weeks ago, I probably wouldn't have made it through this weekend because both of my football teams put me through intense, nail-biting, on the edge of your seat, football games. With my heart in the condition it was four weeks ago, I don't think I could've survived this weekend. I guess things happen for a reason.

Thankfully, I was on the good side of two very lucky victories. As I always say, it's better to be lucky than good and a win is a win. Go 'Phins! Run Ricky run! And great job defense! Let's all hope that they bring their A game next week as stopping Bledsoe will NOT be an easy task. But we'll worry about that later. 

Stay tuned for my next weigh in --
Later today you can expect an update on my weight. I plan to head on over to GNC after my morning workout to get myself weighed. In case you missed it last week, I weighed in last Monday at a whopping 376 lbs. My guess for tomorrow is that I'll be at about 228 or 227 lbs, plus or minus 150 lbs. 

Sunday, October 13, 2002

Could've, would've, should've --
Watching some after midnight Sportscenter with the Miami/FSU highlights and I'm getting tired of hearing Bobby Bowden and the Seminoles' players whine so damn much. Yes, you guys played a great game and physically dominated the 'Canes in many respects (they out-gained you by 100 yards and gave you more than 100 yards in penalties, btw). But please STOP saying that you played like champions. Champions WIN football games, not lose them. 

You missed a 42 yard field goal that could have won the football game for you. Shit happens.  NFL kickers are 49 for 78 this year on kicks between 40 and 49 yards (that's only 62.8% for those not good with the numbers). These are PRO kickers who are kicking with hash marks that aren't as wide as they are at the collegiate level. Don't forget that your team wouldn't even have been CLOSE to getting a shot at that field goal if not for the fact that Miami's punter only punted the ball FOUR damn yards. Missed field goals of 40 yards or more happen a LOT. Four yard punts DON'T -- especially by an All-American caliber punter who didn't have any pressure on him.

Hell, if the refs wouldn't have fucked up so many times throughout the game, it might not have even been close. Show me the tape where a Miami player performed an illegal chop block on that 50+ yard pass play to Roscoe Parrish that got called back. You won't be able to because it never fucking happened. Feel good about your team because you played a great game that you COULD have won against the Miami Hurricanes. But please stop saying that you played like champions, because you didn't. 

Miami's turn... --
I'm not done bitching. Miami, you got lucky today. A win is a win and that's all that matters, but you guys really need to get on your game if you want to repeat as National Champions. I've only seen ONE game all year that I felt that you guys played a solid game of football. You are beating these teams, and blowing them out in many cases, just because of your raw talent. This won't get you through the season unbeaten and it almost lost you this game against the Seminoles.

You need to cut down on the mistakes. Fifty yards in offside penalties in the FIRST half just isn't acceptable. Your stupid penalties kept FSU drives alive that your defense had, for all intents and purposes, stopped. Your stupid penalties on offense killed drives that should have gotten you points (okay, the illegal chop block penalty didn't happen, but the others did). You dropped more passes than you'll see in an average high school football game. Dorsey, you were off on many passes where you had a wide receiver wide open. You just played sloppy and have been playing sloppy all year long. 

Be thankful that you are still unbeaten. But, please, stop taking these victories for granted. Yes, you are the best team in college football. But, no, that doesn't mean that the rest of the season will be a cakewalk. I don't care if Tennessee hasn't played that well of late. They CAN beat you if you don't clean up your game when you play them next month at UT. And if you think FSU's running game was hard to stop, wait until VT throws Suggs and Jones at you. You can't keep playing sub-standard football and expect to win games just because you have the superior athletes. Go 'Canes!  

40 Days, 40 Nights -- 
Just watched this movie for the first time last night and thought that it was surprisingly good. I had held off watching it for so long because I thought it had a completely stupid premise. 40 days without sex? That doesn't sound too tough for me. What I didn't realize was that this included masturbation. I don't think that I've ever gone more than 14 days without jerking it since I first started doing the deed. 

The longest jerk-less streak was probably when I was having my diabetic-induced near death experience that had me bed-ridden in a hospital bed for six weeks. And even then, I got comfortable enough in the hospital bed that I felt okay with rubbing myself rotten by about the 10th day. I would've probably done it earlier, but my little guy wasn't working too well in the early going. 

Anyway, I thought the movie was pretty funny. I wouldn't suggest that you go run out and buy it because part of what made it so good to me was that I was expecting it to be really bad. It's funny how it works out that way. If you go out and buy it thinking it's going to be a great movie because of my glowing opinion of it, you'll probably be disappointed by it. 

Oh, by the way, after watching the movie, I decided to see if I could go 40 days and 40 nights without masturbating. Sadly, I didn't make it through the night because the movie had quite a few spank-worthy babes in it, so I jerked it about four times since watching the movie. I guess I'll just start my vow tomorrow. 

Saturday, October 12, 2002

Wide Right Left IV --
God, I hate college football. Yes, I love the sport and care more about Miami Hurricanes victories more than wins for any of my other favorite teams. But I hate what it does to me emotionally. When I called Dave Toole when the game was in the 4th quarter and Miami was down by 13 points, I bitched, yelled and swore often. He told me, "hey, it's just a game.". Yes, it is just a game. But it's a Miami Hurricanes game and a Miami Hurricanes game against the Florida State Seminoles. It matters to me. It matters to me more than just about anything else in my life. 

It really shouldn't matter as much as it does, but it does. It always has. Today's game just took me on an emotional rollercoaster like nobody should ever go through. I went from being angry, pissed off and ready to murder whoever would cross my path to being relieved, overjoyed and feeling on the top of the world. Only the Miami Hurricanes can do this to me. I hate them for it.

This win really feels good because they didn't play that well. Hell, let's face it. Miami played like shit today. They made more penalties than a team should ever make in a game, were dropping passes left and right, were making bad throws, and were being dominated by FSU's offensive line. 

But, they won. They beat FSU 28-27 thanks to a missed game-winning field goal by Xavier Beitia that sailed wide left with no time remaining on the clock. After winning in '91, '92 and 2000 thanks to game winning field goal attempts that sailed wide right, we get one to miss to the left this time. It wasn't pretty and might not have been well-deserved, but a win is a win. 

Miami is still the most dominant team in college football, but I doubt they'll win many more that they play this poorly in. I hope this is a wake-up call for them and helps them get on their game. In my honest opinion, I don't think they've played a complete game all year. 

Friday, October 11, 2002

24 --
I decided to watch season one of 24...straight through from Thursday night at 9PM to about 10AM Friday morning (I had a drive to work, a workout and a shower in between or else it wouldn't have taken that long). Great show. Only problem is that it make me very tired and very paranoid. When I was at the mall after lunch, everyone I looked at seemed suspicious to me. 

The series' creators must also hate women because all the females in the show were hella stupid. Elisha Cuthbert is hella hot, though, so I'll forgive them.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

I have all the answers! --
Okay, maybe not all of them. I have, however, replied to all of your latest emails in my new "Dear Dave" update. Even if you don't give two shits about what I feel the need to write in the "Dear Dave" section, you still may be interested in checking it out. Why? Well, remember those Diana Kauffman pictures I've been promising? They might just be in there somewhere. Adults only, please. Maturity is not needed. 

Kids need a smack or two --
If you're one of those guys like me that got the crap beat out of you by your dad often as a kid -- I was a really well-behaved kid, by the way -- and think that there's not enough of good spankings going around in today's world, then I have a site for you to check out. This guy pretty much sums up my own opinions on disciplining children and how today's society just isn't doing it correctly. 

Go read it and prepare to laugh your ass off and nod your head up and down at the same time. Maybe if more parents would hit their children more often, then the little dipshits wouldn't constantly give me headaches while I'm trying to eat at a restaurant or ruin my movie theater watching experience by crying or yelling so loudly. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2002

I almost died today --
On the way home from work and while I was snapping some photos from my car with my digital camera, a car that I was only a car length or two behind spun out completely out of control. Luckily, I was able to avoid getting in an accident at 80 MPH. Otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to update the Photo Gallery with some new pictures of my '89 Honda Accord

It's picture day! --
For those looking for some top secret stuff from Visual Concepts, here's a look at some of the men that help make the games. From left to right you'll see Asif, Rustin, Greg (legs), Me (wearing my Ricky jersey), Abe, Brandon, Shawn, Ray, Lynell (the artist responsible for the drawing), don't know who this is, Jay, and Rick. 

Tuesday, October 8, 2002

I took your money and bought drugs --
Do you care? Do you care enough to change? Didn't think so. You probably also don't care much about my fascination with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. You'd think that once they became of legal age that I'd no longer give them a second look, but I'm as infatuated with both as much as I've ever been. Maybe it's because they're both so very close to posing nude.

I guess it also helps that there seems to be some new hot pictures of both popping up every day. Here are a few new high quality pictures of both Ms. Spears and Ms. Aguilera that got my manhood to stiffen up a bit. By the way, if you take a closer look at the first Christina picture you'll see an interesting tattoo on her stomach and if you look closely at the second photo, you'll see her infamous nipple ring again -- on her right tit (to your left). Not clit ring this time around. 

Diana Kauffman nudies --
Yeah, I'm still holding on to these 40 scrumptious photos of the Ultimate E3 Booth Babe, Diana Kauffman, in her birthday suit. I think I'll share them soon. But I just wanted to tease you just a little longer. Believe me, the wait will be well worth it. Also coming soon this week will be some photos of my car (the Honda Accord) and a few photos of some folks at Visual Concepts. Top secret shiznit. 

Monday, October 7, 2002

The Playmate of the Year 2002 is now a Babe of the Week! 

One of my favorite Playmates --
One of my favorite Playboy Playmates from the past few years was Miss September 2001 and Playmate of the Year 2002 -- Dalene Kurtis. She obviously has a great, surgically-enhanced, body that's wonderful to look at, but what really sold me on her was her great smile. So now she can add Dave's Babe of the Week to her already impressive resume. In my opinion, this is her greatest honor yet.  

What's fatter than fat? ME! -- 
I've got some good news and some bad news. I was finally able to weigh myself thanks to one of those scales at the GNC at the mall. That's the good news. The bad news is that I'm much heavier than I had thought. My best guess was that I was hovering right around 350 lbs. Well, it looks like I was way the fuck off. According to the scale at GNC, my fat self currently weighs in at a paltry 376 lbs 10 oz.

All I go to to say is, "WOW!!!" I was wearing some heavy shoes, a Dolphins jersey and other hefty clothing, but even if you take off 5 lbs to make up for the apparel, that's still 371 lbs. And if you consider the fact that I've been on this diet for a little over 2 weeks combined with the fact that I typically lose about 10 lbs at the start of any diet (mostly water, obviously), it's entirely possible that I was pushing 380 to 385 lbs. Holy shit, I'm FREAKING HUGE. 

All is not bad, though. I was already determined to get in shape and finding out my current weight just inspires me even more. I was very close to skipping my workout this morning because I felt like shit when I woke up, but forced myself to go through it. Knowing that I'm 375+ lbs will only inspire me more to never miss a workout. 

Another good thing is that being 375+ lbs makes for some good humor beyond just the normal fat guy jokes. Just for laughs, here's how I compare to some of our friends in the animal kingdom:

- I'm 25 lbs heavier than the average calf (young cow). 
- I outweigh the average male black bear. The average weight of a male black bear is 115-170kg or 254-375 lbs. 
- I'm more than 125 lbs heavier than the average female grizzly bear, which is about 242 lbs. The male grizzly still has me by about 110 lbs. Those fat bastards!
- I've got at least 25 lbs on the average female Royal Bengal Tiger
- I'm only 65 lbs lighter than the average bottlenose dolphin, but destroy the common dolphin (Delphinus delphis) by nearly 200 lbs. 
- The average adult male African lion only has approximately 23 lbs on me. I outweigh the average female African lion by about 98 lbs. 

Here are some other fun facts: 

- I weigh more than double that of an average American male between the age 20 to 29 years old. 
- My weight is 40+ pounds heavier than the average offensive lineman for the Dallas Cowboys. 
- I weigh more than Britney Spears (130 lbs), Christina Aguilera (115 lbs) and Mandy Moore (108 lbs) combined. 
- My weight equals approximately 1,504 uncooked patties used in a Quarter Pounder hamburger from McDonald's. 
- I'm only 70 lbs away from matching the listed weight of King Kong Bundy. 

Sunday, October 6, 2002

Another Miami sweep --
Means another happy Dave Z weekend. I was really worried about the New England game (UConn didn't scare me for the 'Canes), but the Dolphins came through with a solid game. I'm not going to get too excited about it because I really think that the Patriots without Troy Brown just aren't nearly as good as the Patriots with him. It doesn't surprise me that the Pats lose two straight games with Troy Brown out -- they'd probably still be undefeated if he never got hurt, in my opinion. A win is a win, though and I'll take any that the Dolphins can get with their tough schedule ahead. Oh, yeah, there's a "Dear Dave" update for those of you that don't give a shit about my Dolphins or Hurricanes.  

Saturday, October 5, 2002

Playboy offers Britney $2 million to pose nude --
Much love goes out to my Green Bay Packer loving friend Chris Carle for giving me the heads up on this story: 

Will she or won't she? Playboy magazine has upped the ante to $2 million for Britney Spears, 21, to bare all. And would you believe she's seriously considering? "Britney has pretty much let everyone know that she's not a kid anymore," a close friend told Celebrity News Service. "I think the only hurdle in making her decision will be her mom." In the meantime, Spears is vacationing in Italy, where she was spotted at the summer 2003 fashion show in Milan wearing a translucent Versace number.

If that works, I may just have to offer her $3 million to film a porn video with me and Jenna Jameson. Think you guys could help me come up with the funds? Bill Gates reading this site at all?

Before and After --
I've only been on this diet for a tiny bit less than three weeks, but a lot of you have been inquiring about my progress. Since I don't have a scale, yet, I have no clue whether I've lost any weight or not. But, I did take a "before" picture to give myself a visual look at how I started and just recently took an "after" picture to show you where I've come. Just remember that it's only been 13 days since I started, so you might not notice any change just yet. 

[ BEFORE | AFTER ]

For those of you interested in what I'm doing exactly, I'm basically following the plan outlined by Body-for-LIFE. It's actually quite simple, and just involves eating six small meals a day instead of a couple of massive ones, cutting out things like fast food, white bread, white rice, and monkey semen, eating a well-balanced and healthy diet and working out six days a week -- three days with weights and three with cardio. 

Friday, October 4, 2002

On a scale hunt --
What does a fat guy have to do to get himself weighed? After work I went to about a dozen different department stores in San Rafael, San Francisco, Daly City and Colma and couldn't find a single scale that would go up to 350 lbs. I found a bunch of scales that had a 330 max, but I'm way over that limit. 

The truth is that I don't even know if I'll be able to weigh in on one that maxes out at 350, but figure that if I'm over that, it won't be long before I hit that weight goal. I guess I'll have to order online, but I really didn't want to wait much longer to get myself weighed. It'd be nice to have some kind of way to monitor my progress with my current health plan. 

Christina's sexy new video -- 
In case you haven't gotten all my not so subtle hints, I'm a huge fan of Christina Aguilera's new video for Dirrty. It confirms that she is a dirrty little slut that is begging to get spanked by me. I've jerked myself raw to both the video and MTV's "Making of Dirrty" special and suggest that you do the same. I would host it, but it'd probably bring the site over my bandwidth limit, so I won't. But you shouldn't have any problem finding mpegs of both the video and Making of Dirrty special on P2P file sharing programs like KaZaa

Thursday, October 3, 2002

The sluts are at it again --
Well, my two slutty pop princesses are once again battling for my masturbation time. Britney Spears is doing it by wearing see-through dresses to fashion shows that show off her wondrous booty crack and Christina is doing it by getting dirty and almost completely naked in her HOT video for Dirrty. My hands haven't been this chapped in a long ass time. 

 

All the kids are doing it --
It seems that there are a lot of you that are also working on losing weight. Good luck to you! We just gotta make sure that we don't start competing for the same women. Just remember that if she's a hot celebrity then she's all mine. Sure, they might come with some attitude problems because of their fortune and fame, but I'm of the belief that some rough anal loving will help teach the brats who's the boss. On a completely unrelated note -- the "Dear Dave" section has been update.

Wednesday, October 2, 2002

Diana Kauffman's beautiful naked body --
Diana Kauffman may have already been named IGN's "Ultimate Booth Babe" and my own Babe of the Week for the week of June 3, 2002, but her wet dream inducing days are far from over. Thanks to Mystique Magazine, I have a brand new batch of 40 wondrous photos of this beautiful model who quite honestly owned May's Electronic Entertainment Expo. Here's a sample of some of the non-nudes from the new pictures that have already been deposited into my Spank Bank™. If you're lucky, I might share the naughty ones with y'all, as well. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2002

Free games are good --
I have updated my software lists for PlayStation 2, GameCube, and Xbox to reflect new, non paid for, additions to my game library. Some of the new games that you'll see on the list include the PlayStation 2 and GameCube versions of NFL 2K3, plus Kingdom Hearts, Gungrave, and Ferrari F355 Challenge for PlayStation 2 and Sega GT 2002 for Xbox. Gotta throw out a special thanks to the Reverend for hooking me up with Kingdom Hearts and to Anthony Chau for spreading the SEGA love my way. 

To buy or not to buy? --
That is my dilemma. I've been pre-approved for a $25,000 car loan at City Toyota in Daly City, CA, but I'm not sure if I should use it or not. It'd be nice to pick up a nice new Toyota Camry and not have to worry about it breaking down on me, but the monthly payment would be somewhat high because of the interest rate. Keep the old car and be constantly worried about breakdowns or get a new one and have set monthly payments? I'll probably just stick with the Accord. I have until October 5th to change my mind, though. 

 

 

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