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Who's Dave Z?
Music
Sega-Saturn.com
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It's a "Dear Dave" kind of
day -- Very annoying, but still like it... --
Dear Diary --
Christina Aguilera...Stripped -- Christina has always been the most talented vocalist of all the teen pop tarts and her maturation as an artist and vocalist really shine through on Stripped. On the album she covers a wide variety of styles including a little rock, a little hip-hop, a little R&B and a little soul and she really manages to do them all well thanks to her powerful set of lungs. Some reviews have complained that this variety is the record's downfall because she seems to be trying to be so many different things and fails to create an identity for herself, but I don't agree with this summation at all. I feel that her voice shines through in just about all of the songs on the album and it's her voice that is her true identity and not some genre that you'd want to pigeonhole her music into. My personal favorites on the album, so far, include Beautiful, I'm Okay, Fighter and Dirrty (most reviews like to hate on this one, but I just can't get the video out of my head and can't stop myself from jamming to it whenever I'm playing it loud on my drive to work), but just about all of the songs are really good. For those of you that actually listen to a lot of CDs from pop artists, which I embarrassingly do, this is actually a rarity. It's obviously not the same style of music as the bands or artists that most of you seem to listen to and have recommended to me, like Tool, Coldplay, Andrew WK, Children of Bodom, Opeth, Rhapsody, etc, so it might not be up your ally. However, if you happen to like a variety of musical styles and are into the genres mentioned above, you may want to give Stripped a listen. It's not at all like the music you generally associate with female pop artists. Hell, even if you don't enjoy the music, you can always have some fun spanking it to the sexy images in her CD booklet.
Grand Theft Auto Vice City -- Play that funky music --
It's all about the booty -- Body-for-LIFE progress report -- I'm still not really seeing much of a physical change, as my face looks as fat as ever, but the good news is that my shorts are falling down a lot more than they've ever before. Good thing for me, bad thing for those that don't want to see my hairy ass on the days I decide to go Commando. Anyway... My short term goal is to go below 350 lbs so that I can buy a scale that'll work at home instead of going to GNC at 10AM every Monday morning. Long term goal is to get below 250 lbs. Once I get there, I figure I'll have a much better idea of what my ideal weight should be and will then make another more specific goal. I'm taking baby steps, though, and am looking at this one day at a time. Clichéd enough for you? Jessica Simpson
gets deflowered --
In a land before time -- An all-new review! --
Not meeting my own expectations -- My mighty Hurricanes might be the most talented team in the country, but I'm really scared about how this season will end up because I don't think they're coached all that well and I don't think they have the same drive and desire that helped fuel their National Championship run last season. I guess it's hard to see that you're not perfect when you've won 29 games in a row, but their lack of intensity and non-existent game planning by the coaches might cost them a repeat National Championship. Been listening to a lot of Christina Aguilera's new CD, Stripped, which I downloaded and had Toole burn onto a CD for me so I could listen to it in my car. It's much better than I had expected it to be and a lot of the songs really do a great job of showing off that girl's true vocal talent. It's too bad that her all-new skanky image will probably get most of the attention because this is actually a very good CD. Then again, I can't really be mad at her for choosing the way of the slut because it sure as hell been good for my recent masturbatory fantasies. I believe I've jerked off with her in mind at least once a day for about the past two or three weeks. If she knew, I bet she'd be hella proud and even honored. I know I would be if I found out that I was a part of someone's fantasies for that long of a period of time. Anyway, since the Dolphins don't play tomorrow, I'll probably sleep in a bit. But after that, I hope to have a better update for y'all. I'm making no promises, though.
Games and shit --
Britney vs. Christina, PlayStation 2
vs. GameCube -- About a week ago, Britney attended a special PlayStation 2 Online party that I believe was in Hollywood. Not too sure. But here are some photos from the event that I got sometime last week but failed to post until today: Meanwhile, my other obsessions, Christina Aguilera, showed up at a special "Nintendo Goes Platinum" party for the GameCube that was definitely held in Hollywood. Here are some nice HQ pictures of her from the red carpet: The sad thing about both of these parties is that I might have had a chance to go to at least one of them if I had still been working for IGN. Sucks for me, I guess. The last PS2 Hollywood party I went to I got completely shit-faced drunk (well, I do this at every single gaming industry party I go to) and spent the night bothering celebrities by either going up to them and saying that I loved them or by simply talking to them as if I had no clue who the hell they were. In case you missed it when I told some of the tidbits about this when I was still at IGN -- I yelled "I love you!" to David Arquette as he was walking away from me, he turned around and said, "who me?" I said, "yes," and then he responded, "I love you, too!" I also told the chick from A Knight's Tale, who was DJ'ing, that I loved her in the movie and went up to Bill Maher and the big guy from King of Queens, as they were just standing against some pole looking bored, and commented "it looks like you guys are doing just as bad as me with the ladies tonight." Anyway, what I was getting at was that it would've been extremely interesting to see how I would've acted around Britney Spears. It's entirely possible that I could've charmed her into going back to my hotel room and screwing my brains out. And seeing how Christina Aguilera has been lately, I bet I could just waved a $100 bill in her face and she would've been mine for an hour. Shinobi
is mine --
Christina confirms clit piercing
& attraction to guys with "flava" -- She was even quoted as saying, "I've gotten a lot of compliments on it. It just seemed erotic in a place that most people wouldn't have the guts to do it." Although, while the nipple and clit aren't a problem, she claimed that she would never pierce her navel or tongue because the navel piercings are "too played out" and the tongue piercings are "very sorority". Interesting. I guess she didn't mind the "too slutty" implications of the clit and nipple piercings. The second big revelation she made was that she would rather not date white guys. Christina confessed, "I want the boys with the 'flava!' He's got to have some flava and edge to him." She also said of Jennifer Love Hewitt, "She wants a bunch of white boys I don't want . . . I would scare the shit out of her if she came to one of my sleepovers." Whiteys need not commit suicide just yet, because she went on to add, "I don't discriminate because of color. I actually dated my first [white] one recently." I guess I should feel blessed for my mixed roots or something. I'm just not sure if I have all that much "flava," though. I guess I can just fake it for a while, hook up with Christina, screw her, cum in her face and then look her in the eyes after we're done and say something sweet like, "What the fuck are you still doing here?" Then I could just move on to the next ho. If you're not willing to fork out the dough to pick up the new issue of Rolling Stone or are just too embarrassed to buy a magazine with a near nude Christina on the cover, here's a sample of some of the better pictures you'll find in it. A couple more DVDs -- The DaveZdyrko.com banner! --
Feel free to use this if you have some site and want to link to me. Just make sure that the Feds don't find me through your link because I'll be very angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. And as a reward to Jasie for going through all this trouble to make me a nice little banner, I suggest that all of you go check out his very own personal website. It's actually a good read and is pretty damn funny. So do me a favor and follow this linky link: Move over Joe DiMaggio! --
I'm not even joking, my friends. I've been noticing that over the past week or so that my erections have been much stronger and a whole lot stiffer than they've been in a long time. Well, today, I actually did the hat test and was able to hang a hat on my rock-hard erection (sorry Sam, it was one of your hats). What's more, I even busted out the old ruler and the little prick measured in at a whopping 6 1/4" (1/4" bigger than my last measurement about a month ago). My Super Penis™ is becoming a Super Cock™! The best news is that what inspired me to do the test and
bust out the measuring stick was that I actually SAW my penis for the first
time since the Reagan administration without the use of a mirror or by
hunching over. I was able to clearly see the top of my erect I still can't see little Dave when he's not aroused cause he's still shy as hell and likes to hide like a scared little turtle, almost as if he doesn't even exist. But when duty calls, he's standing taller and more confident than ever! Just think about it, if I continue my current pace with this Body-for-LIFE program...a year from now I'll weigh 100 lbs, have an 18-inch waist and a 9 1/4" throbbing piece of manhood! I'll be all COCK and nothing else! Now that I've got the image of a fat man's penis stuck in your head...
Not-yet-legal Babe of the Week!
-- Although, now that I think about it, even when Babe of the Week Kaley Cuoco turns 18 years old, she still won't be legal to most of you. Why do I say that? The simple fact that NO means NO and even though she's of the legal age to consent, she probably won't consent to screwing you. Sucks to be you! Fat guy's penis! Fat guy's penis! Some good news, some bad news -- Just go read the "Dear Dave" update even if you don't want to. It'll make your life better even if you don't think it will.
Body-for-LIFE progress report -- Sad thing is that when you weigh as much as I do, you can lose 100 lbs and STILL be an overly obese son of a bitch. But I won't let that bother me because I'm already feeling a lot better, the belt that I wore at IGN but grew out of at VC fits again (still a bit tight when I sit down and drive), and the fact that I don't have to stab myself with a needle every day of my freaking life makes it all worth it. Plus, fat guys are just funny and the longer I stay a fat guy, the better. I may lose half my readers when I'm a buff 200 lb male getting laid every hour by a different hot Bay Area babe...well, unless I can convince some of them to pose on my site... But, we'll worry about that crap later.
Best job ever? -- During the filming of her new video, a member of her entourage was asked to help tweak her nipples so that they would be more visible through her top in the video. Apparently this isn't as unusual as it sounds as many other unnamed female celebrities are reported to also have nipple-tweakers on staff in music video and movie scene emergencies where the nipples are supposed to be yelling, "hello world!" and all they're doing is trying to hide. So, if I were you, I'd be checking the classified ads every single day. You never know, the job for "Christina Aguilera nipple-tweaker" or "[INSERT NAME HERE] nipple-tweaker" might pop up any day. Wouldn't you just hate yourself if you missed out on a job opportunity like that? If I wasn't spending so much of my time working on NFL for Visual Concepts, *I* could've easily been the guy given the job of tweaking J.Lo's nipples. Hell, I have video proof that I can tweak nipples without even using my hands. I am the master of making the female nipple become erect. Hell hath frozen over -- This past weekend, I downloaded approximately 10 gigs of pornographic mpegs off of the Web and P2P programs like KaZaa. Not a SINGLE movie that I downloaded or could find was something that I hadn't already seen before. NOT A SINGLE ONE. There was a lot that appeared new, but they turned out to just be the same old porn under a different name. I'm sorry, but changing the name from "Hot blonde threesome jizz fest" to "Blonde gets cock in ass" does not a new porno make. This is a crisis. Just think about it. If the world had exhausted its oil reserves, would anyone be laughing? No. In fact, if the United States just used its own oil reserves and nobody else's, we'd still have enough to last us at least another 40 to 50 years. And what we have ain't shit compared to what's in the Middle East and according to scientists, the untapped oil reserves in Siberia DWARF what the Middle East has to offer. Oil isn't a problem, yet people are ALREADY going crazy about running out of it. What we as a people should be more worried about is that I've, in about 10 years on the Internet, have completely exhausted all of the porn reserves that the world has created. Yes, more porn is coming out every day, but it's not coming out at a fast enough pace where I'll ever fall behind. This is a travesty. This is the biggest evil that this world faces in this new millennium. Hell, I'm sure it's been mentioned in the Bible as a sign of the apocalypse. I'm worried and you should be, too. But, it's not too late. We still have a chance to avoid total annihilation. We can survive. But in order to do so, we must unite and band together to create new laws specifically to increase the amount of new porn flow so no child or adult will EVER think, "I've seen all the porn that the world has to offer!" Step #1: Decrease the legal age for being in pornography to 16 years. A mere two year age drop would almost instantly double the amount of porn in the world. Girls (and boys) that are 16 or 17 years old are a LOT hornier than those that are 18 and older and they are a LOT dumber, too. It'd be so much easier to get them to do pornography. And let's face it, kids as young as 13 years old are already jerking it to porn, so why shouldn't they be able to jerk it to someone more their age? I would've liked that back when I was a young boy and jerking it to Heather Locklear on TJ Hooker. Step #2: Make Senior Citizens EARN extra Social Security money by entering into a government sponsored pornography ring. Hear me out before you automatically dismiss this. Social Security is a problem. We all know that it will NOT be there when we are old enough to collect it. My plan would fix this and would help seniors make even more money than they currently can on Social Security alone. The seniors would get free Viagra, a lot more sex and extra money to buy whatever the hell old people buy. They'd also be in their bedrooms and OFF the roads a whole lot more. It would also make people actually look forward to their old age and retirement days because humans would finally know what a horse feels like when it retires to stud. And, most importantly, we'd have more porn. It might not be the porn you or I would watch a lot, but that's not necessarily what matters. The world just needs more porn regardless of what kind of porn it is. And you never know, you might actually like it. You sick fuck. Step #3: Make porn a requirement for upcoming actresses. A lot of them do it anyway, so it shouldn't be a problem. We just need to make it mandatory for all hot and upcoming actresses. And just so it won't hurt their career potential, we REQUIRE them to do the porn to become an actress but do NOT release the porn until they either become a big star or their career flops. That way, everyone wins. Step #4: Every six months, hold an American Idol-style vote of all the available talent in the world to choose which celebrity that became famous AFTER step #3 has been implemented to be the next porn star. That way, if the people wanted, we could vote and FORCE Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera into doing a lesbian porn video for all the world to see. Step #5: We give tax breaks to purchases pornographic spy equipment. Some of the best porn that I've downloaded has come courtesy of hidden cameras. But there's just not enough of it. And a lot of it just doesn't look all that great because of the poor quality of equipment being used. If we give tax breaks to those purchasing pornographic spy equipment, more people would be willing to do it and we'd get a better selection of hidden camera pornography. Step #6: Porn scholarships. Some of the best porn on the 'net is done by college chicks. A lot of the time it's unsuspecting college chicks who are just doing it ONLY for their boy friend (stupid bitches...), but college chicks nonetheless. We should push more young adults into the amateur porn business by allowing them to get a free education by doing it. By following these six simple steps, I think we can actually SAVE the world. But, I fear that we will do nothing and the world, as we know it, may soon end. Maybe THIS is what the old hag had predicted. The reason that I may not see my 30th birthday might be that the world will end before then. If changes are not made, we may all die before I turn 30! Be afraid! As a warning, I'm delaying Babe of the Week a single day. You're going to have to wait until Tuesday for a brand new babe. Sorry, but life's a bitch.
Ray Pucas to the rescue! -- "The way I played today was probably the worst a quarterback has ever played in the history of the NFL,'' Lucas said. "I don't think I've ever thrown four picks since I was born. I embarrassed myself. ... I probably won't sleep for the next three days.'' Miami actually didn't do too bad on the whole. The shut down Bledsoe with the exception of one big play and despite the numbers, they actually didn't have as much trouble with Travis Henry as the stats would have you believe. They could've easily won the game if not for the numerous STUPID mistakes by Mr. Pucas. Ah, if we only had Jay Fiedler... I think the Dolphins should get Dan Marino to come out of retirement. Even if he has to play on crutches, I'm sure he'd be a step up from what I saw Sunday morning.
Oh, by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAM BISHOP! Spank Bank™ Saturday -- If you read my last "Dear Dave" update, you'll know a little bit about my Saturday habits already...well, today's been extra busy. I'm tired and actually feeling a bit sore. "Pain is temporary, pride is forever" was our team motto the year we won the State Championship in football at Caesar Rodney High School back in the day. I still live by those words, so I won't stop till the last drop.
New batch of DVDs --
Britney's boobies want out --
Here's a look at one of the newer pics of her that can be found in the most recent issue of Blender, which happens to be promoting its next issue that will apparently feature more saucy photos of my future fuck buddy (not sure if she'd make good marriage material). Enjoy! Our E3 booth babe beauties -- My Diabetes has been cured! -- As I had mentioned about a week ago, during the first few weeks of this plan I was able to cut my insulin intake in half -- to about 1 cc (100 units) per day. And better yet, my blood sugar levels would consistently stay within the safe range (80-150 or 70-120, depending on who you ask). Well, so far this week, my sugar levels have stayed between 70 and 135 without having to take ANY insulin. It's been going slightly higher from day to day, so I may have to eventually take a small dosage, but daily shots seem to be a thing of the past if I keep this up. It actually took a MAJOR scare for me to realize that I needed to seriously cut back on the insulin injections. I had taken my normal dosages on Sunday and at about 3AM Monday morning I just woke up out of the blue and was completely lost and startled. I couldn't tell where the hell I was and had NO clue what was going on. I was just constantly staring at different things in my room and my mind was completely blank as I was trying to figure out if I was dreaming, awake, sick or something. I was shaking, sweating, and my heart was beating pretty loudly -- and it wasn't because I was masturbating. Luckily, I realized that I might be in insulin shock and did a quick test of my sugar levels. My blood sugar level was at 25 mg/dL, which is dangerously low. I'm lucky that I was able to figure out what was going on and take some sugar cubes because it could have potentially killed me. Anyway, things are looking pretty good right now and I'm pleased with the recent turn of events.
Crazy beautiful --
The weigh-in --
Mums, bums and pretty little lass -- And since FHM was kind enough to introduce this fine female specimen to me, I figured it'd be my duty to pass on the love to you, as she is my newest Babe of the Week. Don't venture inside if you're afraid of the female breast. I warned you! My heart can't take anymore! -- Thankfully, I was on the good side of two very lucky victories. As I always say, it's better to be lucky than good and a win is a win. Go 'Phins! Run Ricky run! And great job defense! Let's all hope that they bring their A game next week as stopping Bledsoe will NOT be an easy task. But we'll worry about that later. Stay tuned for my next weigh in --
Could've, would've, should've -- You missed a 42 yard field goal that could have won the football game for you. Shit happens. NFL kickers are 49 for 78 this year on kicks between 40 and 49 yards (that's only 62.8% for those not good with the numbers). These are PRO kickers who are kicking with hash marks that aren't as wide as they are at the collegiate level. Don't forget that your team wouldn't even have been CLOSE to getting a shot at that field goal if not for the fact that Miami's punter only punted the ball FOUR damn yards. Missed field goals of 40 yards or more happen a LOT. Four yard punts DON'T -- especially by an All-American caliber punter who didn't have any pressure on him. Hell, if the refs wouldn't have fucked up so many times throughout the game, it might not have even been close. Show me the tape where a Miami player performed an illegal chop block on that 50+ yard pass play to Roscoe Parrish that got called back. You won't be able to because it never fucking happened. Feel good about your team because you played a great game that you COULD have won against the Miami Hurricanes. But please stop saying that you played like champions, because you didn't. Miami's turn... -- You need to cut down on the mistakes. Fifty yards in offside penalties in the FIRST half just isn't acceptable. Your stupid penalties kept FSU drives alive that your defense had, for all intents and purposes, stopped. Your stupid penalties on offense killed drives that should have gotten you points (okay, the illegal chop block penalty didn't happen, but the others did). You dropped more passes than you'll see in an average high school football game. Dorsey, you were off on many passes where you had a wide receiver wide open. You just played sloppy and have been playing sloppy all year long. Be thankful that you are still unbeaten. But, please, stop taking these victories for granted. Yes, you are the best team in college football. But, no, that doesn't mean that the rest of the season will be a cakewalk. I don't care if Tennessee hasn't played that well of late. They CAN beat you if you don't clean up your game when you play them next month at UT. And if you think FSU's running game was hard to stop, wait until VT throws Suggs and Jones at you. You can't keep playing sub-standard football and expect to win games just because you have the superior athletes. Go 'Canes! 40 Days, 40 Nights -- The longest jerk-less streak was probably when I was having my diabetic-induced near death experience that had me bed-ridden in a hospital bed for six weeks. And even then, I got comfortable enough in the hospital bed that I felt okay with rubbing myself rotten by about the 10th day. I would've probably done it earlier, but my little guy wasn't working too well in the early going. Anyway, I thought the movie was pretty funny. I wouldn't suggest that you go run out and buy it because part of what made it so good to me was that I was expecting it to be really bad. It's funny how it works out that way. If you go out and buy it thinking it's going to be a great movie because of my glowing opinion of it, you'll probably be disappointed by it. Oh, by the way, after watching the movie, I decided to see if I could go 40 days and 40 nights without masturbating. Sadly, I didn't make it through the night because the movie had quite a few spank-worthy babes in it, so I jerked it about four times since watching the movie. I guess I'll just start my vow tomorrow.
Wide It really shouldn't matter as much as it does, but it does. It always has. Today's game just took me on an emotional rollercoaster like nobody should ever go through. I went from being angry, pissed off and ready to murder whoever would cross my path to being relieved, overjoyed and feeling on the top of the world. Only the Miami Hurricanes can do this to me. I hate them for it. This win really feels good because they didn't play that well. Hell, let's face it. Miami played like shit today. They made more penalties than a team should ever make in a game, were dropping passes left and right, were making bad throws, and were being dominated by FSU's offensive line. But, they won. They beat FSU 28-27 thanks to a missed game-winning field goal by Xavier Beitia that sailed wide left with no time remaining on the clock. After winning in '91, '92 and 2000 thanks to game winning field goal attempts that sailed wide right, we get one to miss to the left this time. It wasn't pretty and might not have been well-deserved, but a win is a win. Miami is still the most dominant team in college football, but I doubt they'll win many more that they play this poorly in. I hope this is a wake-up call for them and helps them get on their game. In my honest opinion, I don't think they've played a complete game all year.
24 -- The series' creators must also hate women because all the females in the show were hella stupid. Elisha Cuthbert is hella hot, though, so I'll forgive them.
I have all the answers! -- Kids need a smack or two -- Go read it and prepare to laugh your ass off and nod your head up and down at the same time. Maybe if more parents would hit their children more often, then the little dipshits wouldn't constantly give me headaches while I'm trying to eat at a restaurant or ruin my movie theater watching experience by crying or yelling so loudly.
I almost died today -- It's picture day! --
I took your money and bought drugs -- I guess it also helps that there seems to be some new hot pictures of both popping up every day. Here are a few new high quality pictures of both Ms. Spears and Ms. Aguilera that got my manhood to stiffen up a bit. By the way, if you take a closer look at the first Christina picture you'll see an interesting tattoo on her stomach and if you look closely at the second photo, you'll see her infamous nipple ring again -- on her right tit (to your left). Not clit ring this time around. Diana Kauffman nudies --
One of my favorite Playmates -- What's fatter than fat? ME! -- All I go to to say is, "WOW!!!" I was wearing some heavy shoes, a Dolphins jersey and other hefty clothing, but even if you take off 5 lbs to make up for the apparel, that's still 371 lbs. And if you consider the fact that I've been on this diet for a little over 2 weeks combined with the fact that I typically lose about 10 lbs at the start of any diet (mostly water, obviously), it's entirely possible that I was pushing 380 to 385 lbs. Holy shit, I'm FREAKING HUGE. All is not bad, though. I was already determined to get in shape and finding out my current weight just inspires me even more. I was very close to skipping my workout this morning because I felt like shit when I woke up, but forced myself to go through it. Knowing that I'm 375+ lbs will only inspire me more to never miss a workout. Another good thing is that being 375+ lbs makes for some good humor beyond just the normal fat guy jokes. Just for laughs, here's how I compare to some of our friends in the animal kingdom: - I'm 25 lbs heavier than the average calf (young
cow). Here are some other fun facts: - I weigh more than double that of an average American male
between the age 20 to 29 years old.
Another Miami sweep --
Playboy offers Britney $2 million to
pose nude -- Will she or won't she? Playboy magazine has upped the ante to $2 million for Britney Spears, 21, to bare all. And would you believe she's seriously considering? "Britney has pretty much let everyone know that she's not a kid anymore," a close friend told Celebrity News Service. "I think the only hurdle in making her decision will be her mom." In the meantime, Spears is vacationing in Italy, where she was spotted at the summer 2003 fashion show in Milan wearing a translucent Versace number. If that works, I may just have to offer her $3 million to film a porn video with me and Jenna Jameson. Think you guys could help me come up with the funds? Bill Gates reading this site at all? Before and After -- For those of you interested in what I'm doing exactly, I'm basically following the plan outlined by Body-for-LIFE. It's actually quite simple, and just involves eating six small meals a day instead of a couple of massive ones, cutting out things like fast food, white bread, white rice, and monkey semen, eating a well-balanced and healthy diet and working out six days a week -- three days with weights and three with cardio.
On a scale hunt -- The truth is that I don't even know if I'll be able to weigh in on one that maxes out at 350, but figure that if I'm over that, it won't be long before I hit that weight goal. I guess I'll have to order online, but I really didn't want to wait much longer to get myself weighed. It'd be nice to have some kind of way to monitor my progress with my current health plan. Christina's sexy new video --
The sluts are at it again -- All the kids are doing it --
Diana Kauffman's beautiful naked body
--
Free games are good -- To buy or not to buy? --
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