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"I never had consensual sex without money involved."

- Carl, ATHF

Monday, May 30, 2005

A very drunk night --
I started drinking super early last night because I wasn't sure if I was going out or not, but then Toole told me he was on the guest list for Gabriel and Dresden +2 at Paradise Lounge so I decided to go with him and Michelle to that at 11PM. I had started drinking at 6PM. It's pretty safe to say that I was already pretty shit-faced by the time we got there, but it was actually a very good drunk because I was talking to everyone and managed to get three numbers in the first 15 minutes I was in the club. The only bad part is that I was at the drunken stage where I have no fucking recollection of who these women are that are now in my phone, so I'll never call. Hell, I wasn't even able to put the numbers in my phone and had to make the girls do it. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a good drunk.

What sucked about the night is that I was really in a mood to dance my ass off. What sucks about that? Well, nothing at all until you factor in the insane B.O. that more than a few dudes were sporting on the dance floor. It was eye watering bad. It was worse than a football locker room during two-a-days in the summer. Seriously, what the fuck? I couldn't take it and had to listen to the music from the bar away from the stage because the B.O. was making me wanna puke.

Thanks to the boredom caused by the failure to fulfill my desire to dance, I went on a drunk dialing and drunk texting rampage. I think I professed my love in txt message form to about two dozen men and women in my phone and made more than a few marriage proposals. Luckily, most everyone in my phone is used to this shit so it's not a big deal. I think I have a drunk dialing addiction, though. Seriously, there are some nights where I feel like drinking just so I can start calling people. It's a damn sickness!

Fatty McFat Fuck --
Yes, that's me. This has been a very very bad year for me on the weight front. I've been stuck in the 260s for 11 straight weeks now and I'm hating it because it really shows a lot in my face, gut and man tittays. And I hate the fact that friends won't point this out to me, because it'd help if they did. Trevor actually did when we hung out Saturday night and I'm thankful for it. But, he's been the only one. I know it's a sensitive subject, but you just gotta go about it in the right way and don't be mean about it.

In fact, let me take a little break and go over some other things that are okay for friends to say to their friends in addition to "hey man, you seem to be putting on a few pounds":

1) Dude, that speedo is NOT a good idea.
2) I love ya girl, but the roll of fat hangin' out that belly shirt is not attractive.
3) I'm not sure if you've noticed, but she has an Adam's apple.
4) How about we stop by a convenience store and pick up some deodorant before we go to this club?
5) You seem pretty drunk, why don't you just cab it home and pick up your car in the morning?

Now back on topic... I would say that this week's gonna be good and I'm going to get back on Body-for-Life hardcore, but I'm tired of saying that and then not following through. I can't even remember when the last time I had a good full week of eating healthy. It's been that long. I would give up drinking, but I tend to binge a lot on the nights I don't go out so I don't know if that'll help.

Maybe I just need to be more positive about it all. I will eat healthy this week. I will exercise every day this week. I will eat healthy this week. I will exercise every day this week. I will eat healthy this week. I will get laid this week. I will get laid this week. I will get laid this week. I will get laid this week. Ooops, sorry, I got a little off track there. Anyway, wish me luck!

Friday, May 27, 2005

Missed opportunities --
Okay, so I'm really starting to hate Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle because the movie has been causing me some serious problems in elevators. Whenever I'm in an elevator and a hot girl walks in, the first thing that jumps in my heads is the opening scene with Maria. This isn't a good thing because the twice in the past two days I blew chances to get to know two different hotties because my mind was stuck on that goofy scene.

In both instances, after an initial smile and the normal elevator awkwardness, the hot girls both made efforts to get to know me by saying hello and asking how I was doing. So, what do I do in both cases? I start LAUGHING. Why? I'm thinking of that damn scene in H&K! All I could get out in both instances where just an "okay", but then I would continue my laughing afterwards.

It was awful. What made things worse is that I would try so hard to keep the laughter in, but that would make me grin even bigger and make the laughs even louder when they'd finally get out. So, yeah, there are two very fuckable chicks that live in my building that think I'm some sort of a laughing freak. Go ME!

Unexplained bumps, bruises, scratches & dents --
One of the downers of partying a lot is that I always end up with these unexplained cuts, scrapes, bumps and bruises all over my body. If I'm lucky, I have a fun fingernail scratches. However, the week in Los Angeles provided for some additional unexplainable damage to my car as I've recently noticed a ton of little scratches, chips and even huge ass crack in my front bumper of my car. All of this apparently happened in LA last week, yet I don't recall ever hitting anything. Damn the valets! Damn them to hell!

Nevertheless, my desire to move to LA still is strong. For some reason, I love the fact that it'll take two hours to get from point A to point B during the middle of the day, but then you can travel the same route when you're hammered in a mere 10 minutes at 4AM in the morning. There's something that I love about that and I don't know what. I'm just weird, I guess.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

My E3 adventures --
Umm, E3, it's one of the funnest weeks of the year. However, I gotta admit that it's becoming less and less about the damn show for me. In fact, I went to the show very late all three days, didn't play a single game, didn't pick up a single free t-shirt or goodie, and didn't take a single photo of a booth babe. I apologize for the last two because I know a lot of you looked forward to getting the free stuff I'd send out after E3 and even more of you looked forward to the plethora of booth babe pics I would come back with.

The booth babe situation was pretty disappointing to me because I was under the impression that my all-time fave, Diana Kauffman, was a no-show for the convention because she wasn't at her normal spot. However, after I had left after the final day I checked my email to see that she had emailed me the morning of the first day of the show to let me know that she'd be at a different booth. But since I wasn't able to check my email until after the show was over, I completely missed out on seeing her. Sucks. I was looking forward to seducing her with my wit, charm and comedic genius. Next year, I promise.

Even though the show was pretty much a bust -- nothing excited me and it was WAY too fucking crowded -- my week in Los Angeles was a BLAST. I partied with Brandon, Brady and others every single night of the week from Tuesday through Saturday. The partying included some industry bashes that included free booze at the Ziff Davis and Sony parties, plus some in the Sunset strip in the LA/Hollywood area at places like Trocadero, Saddle Ranch, The Standard, Sky Bar, etc.

I drank a LOT of alcohol. In fact, I think I probably drank more on a few of those nights than the last time I was in E3 when I passed out on the floor of the bar. I guess the difference was that I was actually eating food during the day while at E3, so I wasn't drinking on an empty stomach. Regardless, I drank a WHOLE LOT and had a great time every single night of the week. So much fun that I really want to move my ass down to LA because I just love the bars and clubs down there. I, mean, the SF spots are great and all, but I've been to all of them about 100 times each by now and I'd like a change of scenery. Plus, I think LA girls are hotter than SF girls on the whole. However, I did notice that LA's bars had more fat chicks out than you'll ever see around the city in SF. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but it stood out to me and I thought it was a bit weird.

What are some of the highlights outside of just drinking a whole lot? Umm...met a producer for Nine Inch Nails, met several cast members of Saturday Night Live, met Anthony Federov and Scotty the Body from American Idol, met a couple of models that have been in Maxim, almost got thrown out of the Sony party after stealing a bottle of vodka and then throwing it at the cleaning lady (actually just threw it, she just happened to be standing next to where it hit...ooops!), and, well, just seeing a million of my old industry friends. Plus, I stuck my tongue out a LOT and you'll see this if you check out the pictures from E3.

PS - I love LA. I wish Visual Concepts would open up an office down there cause I'd move in a second.

Monday, May 16, 2005

I took this while she was riding me.

Thanks to Punk'D --
Okay, so I spent most of the day yesterday on the 'net in my bed recovering from a hangover with the TV on in the background like I do a lot of the time. The channel was on MTV all day beause the remote was over by my recliner and I wasn't about to get out of my bed to go get it. And since it wasn't on the way to the kitchen for water or to the bathroom for bathroom breaks, I wasn't about to walk out of my way the two feet I would've needed to go get it. I guess my hungover laziness was a good thing because I got to see Penelope Cruz on Punk'D and I was reminded about how beautiful this woman is and how I've somehow never put her up as my Babe of the Week. Well, she's it now.

Going back down to LA for E3 --
I'll be driving back down to LA for like the umpteenth time tomorrow morning and should be in town through the weekend. The plan is to get completely wasted at various videogame industry parties with open bars on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Saturday will probably have to be something in LA where I'll have to pay unless there are some after parties that are happening. The only date that's set in stone is Thursday because that's the big annual Sony E3 party which is always a good time for me. I can't wait to see what kind of cool schwag they give out this year.

For those looking forward to a booth babe report, I may or may not do one this year. I'm just not sure. I broke my camera the last time I was down in LA just two weeks ago, so if I wanted to take photos I'd have to go out and buy a new one today. Even though I might go ahead and do that, it doesn't mean I'll be motivated to go around taking the booth babe photos. Hell, I might only go to the actual show on the first day and that's it. Again, I don't know. Maybe I'll come through, maybe I won't.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Got meds? --
I paid Dr. Shapiro a visit so he could hook me up with the good stuff. I came away with a cortisone shot for my shoulder, a new codeine prescription for my shoulder, and some Zoloft for my panic attacks. I haven't been able to pick up the codeine yet because I don't have the $10 needed, but he gave me like four of those 21-day sample packs of the Zoloft so I was able to start taking them yesterday. It's pretty interesting so far because I feel kind of like I'm high or something and the Zoloft provided some very trippy feelings when combined with other meds that I'm currently taking. Yeah, I know I'm going to have to solve the problems causing the stress eventually, but for now I'm just glad to have gotten to sleep last night without having to deal with a panic attack.

Monday, May 9, 2005

I hit it. Seriously. Not gonna lie.

Better late than never? --
I honestly have no clue why it's taken me so long to feature Shannon Elizabeth as my Babe of the Week. I think it might be because I did her back in the IGN days. And, by "did", I do mean that I had sexual intercourse with her back when I was working at IGN. Believe me? Idiot! She's just one of them girls that I put up as Babe of the Day on my IGNPS2 mailbag so I always have it in the back of my mind that she's already been featured. There's a lot of girls like this, but there are plenty of weeks ahead, so I've got time. Anyway, she's hot, she has great tittays, and now she's the Babe of the Week.

A very chill weekend --
I pretty must wasted an entire weekend stuck in either my bed or my la-z-boy recliner and I'm not too pissed off about it. I had my aunt MJ over for a little while and the rest of the time, I just watched DVDs, old shit that's on my Tivo, and lounged around doing pretty much nothing. I guess I just needed the rest after the little LA vacation, all the driving I've been doing of late, and, well, just to make up for the lack of sleep that I generally get during the regular old work week.

The panic attacks are still going on strong and the shoulder pain is still there, so I'm making another trip to the doctor today. I'm hoping he can give me some more painkillers for the shoulder, plus set me up with an orthopedic specialist so I can get things with my shoulder worked out before it becomes some sort of lifelong annoyance. As for the panic attacks, I'm hoping for some happy fun meds because I'd rather not deal with my problems directly and just mask them with drugs. Seriously, that's what I'd like to do. If it doesn't work, I'm thinking of spilling my guts to a shrink. However, from past experience, it won't help me out much, so I'm not sure if I want to waste money if I know it won't help anything. IDK. We'll see, I guess.

E3 next week! Woohoo! Too bad I'm like 20 lbs fatter than I was for last year's show...maybe if I can do nothing but drink water and take laxatives this week, I'll be able to drop the 20 and get into the 240s by this time next week. A cocaine addiction wouldn't hurt, either, but I don't know where to get that kind of shit. Anyone know if you can order that shit online? I know you can buy weed from Amsterdam that will make it through customs somehow, but figuring coke from Columbia won't work as easily.

Friday, May 6, 2005

My Ron Mexico name is... --
"Hello Dave Zdyrko! Your Ron Mexico name, the ultimate disguise, is Nikko Palau!" Just go over here to find out what yours is. However, I'm willing to be that it won't be as pimp as Nikko Palau. My new Ron Mexico name is so phat that I'm thinking about using it when I introduce myself at clubs to the ladies. They won't be able to resist Nikko Palau as easily as they've been resisting regular ole Dave Z. Hooking up with the bitches will now be easier than taking some ass virginity from a cub scout.

Wednesday, May 4, 2005

LA was kinda "eh", but I got a good story --
Alright, so I only had a fairly ho-hum time down in LA this past weekend mainly because I was just completely exhausted from the drive down and the lack of sleep beforehand that I just wasn't in the mood to party. If I was just home and was planning to party with friends that I could hang out with at any time, I probably wouldn't have gone out at all. However, since it was with people that were visiting from the other side of the country and I, myself, was visiting LA, as well, I had to go out even though I wasn't really feeling it.

Nevertheless, my weak weekend has provided some good update fodder for the website thanks to my alcoholism-like tendancies. On Monday night we decided to hit up some bar called Vine or whatever for this celebrity's birthday party. Apparently there were a lot of famous people there, but I honestly don't remember meeting or seeing any of them. The reason being was that I just didn't want to be out that night, so I decided that my goal would be to drink myself to death to see if it's even possible. I ordered two vodka red bulls then ounded them both right then and there. I then ordered another two and chugged them both immediately as well. Did this for a third time, which greatly impressed the bartender.

Because it hadn't hit me yet, I then decided the red bulls were wasting my time and I ordered two double shots of vodka. Impressed with my pounding of the liquor and my $12 in tips I already paid him, the bartender hooked me up with two full glasses of straight vodka with no ice. I pounded them, got two more, and pounded them. For the third pair, I made the mistake of getting it from the chick bartender who only gave me the "double shot" instead of the full glass. I kinda got the male bartender mad at me because I told her that he was giving me a full glass and he said I shouldn't ever do that cause it could get him in trouble. My bad. Anyway, did the final two double shots.

This was all in the first 15 minutes. I then proceeded to walk around the bar. I went up stairs all smiling and what not. Some gay guy grabbed me and started dancing with me and even twirled me around. I was laughing my ass off at this point. Luckily, there was no dipping or kissing cause that would've been a bit too far. After that, I walked downstairs and started talking to some of the people I came with. I then proceeded to completely black out and I don't remember ANYTHING afterwards. Most of my black outs are just chunks here and there that I often remember when people talking about it. However, this was a complete black out that I have absolutely no recollection of what happened.

Apparently, I was having a "good time" and that I was spotted hitting on a couple of female celebrities on several occasions, laughing, making jokes and putting my arms around them. I don't remember any of it. Apparently, I also ended up passing out on the floor of the bar and was subsequently kicked out by the bouncers and thrown into a taxi cab. I don't remember any of that. After this, I apparently was driven around for a while by the cab driver because he couldn't understand what hotel I was saying that I was staying at. He eventually had to call a bunch of places and found the right one. He then took me there, where he then found out that I had no money in my wallet and that the hotel ended up paying for my cab fare. I don't remember any of that.

In the hotel, I passed out on the couch in the hotel lobby. I remember this. I puked on the couch. I puked on the floor next to the couch. I puked on myself. And then when the guy working at the hotel tried to get me up to get me to go to my room, I puked on him. I showed him who's the boss! They let me sleep on the couch. I woke up the next morning to the worst hangover in years and with a camera that had a broken LCD screen. Yuck...that was the only regret about the evening.

Anyway, the LA weekend was weak. The girls were very hot and fun to be around, but I just wasn't in the partying mood and I'm not good at forcing the issue. Nevertheless, it was all worth it for the fact that I have this story to share that will hopefully make at least one of your mother fuckers laugh your ass off. My misfortunes are for your entertainment.