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"Fuck this game!"

- Dane Cook

Saturday, May 31, 2003

Quick turnaround --
Two "Dear Dave" updates in less than 48 hours? All of you better go out and buy some lottery tickets because Ladly Luck is definitely smiling on you. That is, unless you wasted your luck and getting a second "Dear Dave" update so quickly. If that's the case, then it sucks to be you. I would've chosen the winning lottery ticket over new "Dear Dave" updates any day of the week. Well, unless it had some great porn in it, which this one doesn't. Oh, well.

Friday, May 30, 2003

Free at last! Free at last! --
Thank God almighty! I'm free at last! As many of you have already guessed, my big personal news is that I have paid off my lone remaining past due credit card and am now virtually debt free for the first time in the past 12 years. It's been a huge burden on my back and am damn relieved to finally have it all taken care of. Much like my obesity, I had once thought of it as something that I would have over me until the day I died. Now it's time to start building a little financial "safety cushion" and saving money to buy things like a new computer and eventually a new car. Life is grand.

Here's a couple of fun facts for you to think about. Since I started keeping detailed records of all my financial records in 1995, I've made a grand total of $35,251.52 worth of cash advances and purchases on my credit cards. During that same time, I made $65,772.71 worth of payments to pay off the credit card debt created by those purchases. That equates to about $30,521.19 in interest charges and fees, which means that I essentially paid 86.58% on each of my cash advances and purchases during that time frame. In all, since about 1991 -- when I got my first credit card -- my best guess is that I've made in the area of $70,000 worth of purchases on my cards and approximately $105,000 worth of payments. Add in student loans and I've paid well over $125,000 in some form of debt over the years.

What have I learned from all this? Well, first of all, don't get some disease (like diabetes) that puts you in the hospital for six weeks that makes you fall behind on your bill payments for the first time in your life (up until then, I was charging a LOT, but paying off ALL my balances before interest would hit -- missing all my bill payments during that put me in a hole that I haven't been able to recover from until now). Second, don't be a dumb ass and get convicted of a felony that makes it nearly impossible for you to get a normal job for a couple of years. Third, don't take a man's word over the phone as an official contract unless you have it recorded (led to me getting anally raped by the Imagine Games Network during a period where I might have been able to get myself out of debt). And lastly, save up to buy shit whenever possible instead of getting it on credit. Oh, yeah, and pay more than the minimum balance if you do have credit card payments to make.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Simply massive! --
No, no. I'm not talking about my Super Penis™ again. That thing is only about 6 1/8" inches (but happens to possess super human orgasm inducing powers). What I'm talking about is today's new update to the "Dear Dave" section. It's got a whole lot of new emails and my responses to each of those emails. Life just works out nicely like that sometimes. Anyway, for those that don't know how it all works, if you email me something and don't say specifically to keep it out of "Dear Dave" then I'm not likely to respond personally and will most likely go ahead and post it to "Dear Dave". So, unless you're someone that has already been emailing me non-"Dear Dave" stuff and getting personal responses, you'll get your replies in this section.

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

I like boobies!

Damn she's fine! --
If I could have a buck for every time I said that when Rosario Dawson appeard on screen when I watched Spike Lee's 25th Hour this weekend, I'd have a shit load more than $4 in my wallet right now. Hell, if I could have a buck for every time Bishop said "boobies" the first time we watched Rosie in Josie and the Pussycats, I'd have enough money to buy myself tits that nice. But nobody ever seems to be willing to give me a cash for things like that, so I'll have to settle with making this multi-racial hottie the newest Babe of the Week.

Two more days --
Come Friday I'll be able to share my good news with all of you. It doesn't really affect any of you the least bit, but I'm excited about it. I'd go ahead and say it now, but I'm waiting until it's a little more "official". There's always a chance that Jessica Alba might change her mind and cancel our engagement. Oops! I guess I let the cat out of the bag! Well, forget that I said it. I'll make the big announcement on Friday. You won't jump for joy, but I sure as hell will.

By the way, I was planning on doing a new "Dear Dave" for today, but have decided to delay it about 24 hours because I'm not sure if the universe could take a "Dear Dave" and a Babe of the Week update in the very same day. It just wasn't worth the risk. Worry not because a new update will almost certainly be posted before the end of tomorrow night.

Monday, May 26, 2003

Happy Memorial Day! --
I'm still working today even though it's technically a day off. But don't fret because it's only going to be a half day of work for me -- I'm only going to put in about six hours and then head for home, do some laundry and just rest up.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Some Britney booby love --
After looking at all these new Britney Spears photos, I'm starting to think that the girl either never really did get breast implants and just wore great push-ups or pads or got them and had them remoed. Her titties just don't look like they've been made by man as they seem to droop and sag like normal ones. I'd still titty-fuck her and jizz all over her face if she let me. Anyway, here's a new picture of my former dream girl almost popping out of her top.

A completely grand "Dear Dave" --
I'm not good with titles, so don't even ask what the hell that means. It's just to signify that I've updated the "Dear Dave" section with a whole slew of new letters from all of you. By the way, if you had something "Dear Dave"-worthy as part of your E3 contest entry, you should probably re-send it because I didn't read anything that anyone wrote as part of their contest entry (didn't want to be influenced by bribes, flattery or just the simple recognition of a person's name). Outside of this...I'm just working a bit today and will be working throughout this Memorial Day weekend.

Wish all of you a safe and enjoyable weekend, even if mine won't be all that much fun. I think my biggest plan is to tak a little break and see the Matrix for a second time on the big screen. I had really wanted to see it in IMAX, but I just found out that they won't be playing it locally on any IMAX theaters. Damn the man trying to keep me down!

Friday, May 23, 2003

The E3 Contest Winners Have Been Picked! --
If you haven't received an email from me about winning, then it sadly means that you probably came up short. For that, I sincerely apologize. Maybe next year I'll see what I can do about getting enough crap to give out to several hundred different people. But if I do that, the shipping definitely won't be on me with any possible E3 2004 contests. FYI, the names of the winners are Daviezk (lot #1), Adam (lot #2), Will (lot #3) and Kevin (lot #4). To each of you -- I must say "congrats" and I hope that you enjoy the goods!

To those out there that entered but didn't come out victorious...well, there's always next time. In fact, towards the middle of June I'm planning on having a new contest for some of the E3 posters that I thought I had lost but were still in Anthony Chau's rental car. I would do it sooner, but I'm flat broke and extremely busy. I have something like $27 in my checking account to last me until June 15th. But this isn't necessarily a bad thing because I actually have some great news that is related to my low checking account balance that I will share with all of you next week. It's a big announcement for me personally (99.9% of you reading won't really give a shit), but I'm going to wait until it's a little more official to say anything.

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

My future wife.

I've fallen in love! --
I've fallen in love again. And I'm not one of those guys that fall in love every time I get a stiffie. Okay, maybe I do. Just last night I got wood after taking a big dump and almost proposed to it. But, we won't delve deeper into that story because I'm sure you've already heard way too much. So who is my current love interest? A gorgeous beauty named Courtney Day, an import car model who was recently spotted at E3 as one of 3DO's SRS babes.

I missed her there and I'm forever mad at myself for that fuck-up. I'm going to have to beat my babe radar extra hard these next few days as punishment for not bringing me to her. Maybe it's a good thing because I might have just proposed to her on the spot and that could've been a pretty embarrassing moment if she happened to turn me down. Anyway, she's my new Babe of the Week and will be my wife someday.

E3 contest ends tomorrow --
I've decided that I will stop taking entries for my E3 giveaway contest at approximately 9 PM PST tomorrow night (that's Thursday, May 22, 2003). I'll pick the winners that night or the next morning and will hopefully have the crap shipped out to the winners before the post office closes on Friday. If you're not sure what the hell I'm talking about, just scroll down to the update below labled "Free E3 goodies" and you'll be able to read all about it.

The sad news is that I've already received more than a hundred emails and only have four lots to give out. I guess there'll be a lot of unhappy campers. Maybe I'll try to bring home a whole lot more next year -- and try not to lose a couple of bags full of junk. Regardless of whether or not you happen to win something, you can always just look at the E3 2003 booth babes photos again (or the E3 non-babes photos). That'll always bring a smile to your faces.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Jessica Alba is too freaking hot --
That damn girl has me in the palm of her sensual little hands. If she asked me to toss her salad after she went to town on some Taco Bell bean burritos, I'd do it without hesitation. I'm sure you probably realize where I'm going with this. The Dark Angel: The Complete First Season DVD came out today and as is the norm for me with anything Jessica Alba, I went out and picked it up immediately. It is now the 188th DVD in my ever-growing DVD movie collection.

While at Best Buy, I also went ahead and finished out my collection of Metallica music CDs by getting Kill 'Em All and Master of Puppets (my old copy went missing). I now own all of Metallica's major US releases as far as I know and have a grand total of 72 non-pirated music CDs in my once massive collection.

Gran Turismo 4 wallpaper --
Since Smith got me into Sony's press-only GT4 event, which allowed me to have a full and completely uninterrupted hour of hands-on with the game, I figured I should put up some coverage on my site out of a sense of duty. I may do some actual hands-on impressions or just share my general thoughts about what is undoubtedly my most highly anticipated game coming out for the PS2 that was playable at E3, but for now all you're going to get are these three high-resolution wallpaper images that you can use for your desktop. They're all sized at 1600x1200, so if you need it smaller you'll have to change it yourself. Hope you like them.

Free E3 goodies --
Why is it that people like me who are no longer excited about the prospect of playing yet-to-be-released games early get to go to E3 every year while those that would kill to have the same opportunity are left sitting at home reading impressions, ogling at screenshots and rubbing their dirty little crotches with glee at movie updates on sites like IGN.com? Life isn't fair, I guess.

That would also explain why people like me get to go to E3 and collect "junk" that will just sit in my closet underappreciated while those out there that would actually use the stuff don't get to have any of it unless they pay inflated eBay prices. Life just isn't all that fair.

Luckily for you, I'm a nice guy and I feel guilty about my jaded feelings towards the whole E3 experience. And because of this, I've decided to give away all of the goodies that I collected during my three days at the show (sadly, I lost a lot of great stuff including a bunch of great t-shirts, posters, hats, demos and Pokemon e-reader cards...).

Anyway, what I'm giving away (I'll even pay for the shipping charges) includes the following four lots of items:

Lot #1: PlayStation 2003 Spring Catalog, Jak II Demo, Socom II Dog Tag, Rockstar stickers, PlayStation stickers, & .hack Mutation demo.

Lot #2: PlayStation 2003 Spring Catalog, Jak II Demo, Socom II Dog Tag, Rockstar stickers, PlayStation stickers, & .hack Mutation demo.

Lot #3: PlayStation 2003 Spring Catalog, Jak II Demo, Socom II Dog Tag, Rockstar stickers, & PlayStation stickers.

Lot #4: PlayStation 2003 Spring Catalog, Nintendo Special E3 2003 Catalog, GameSpy SARS mask, PlayStation stickers, Socom II Dog Tag, and Kirby toy.

In the past I've done a "first-come, first-serve" approach to these things but I'm going to try something different this time since not everyone visits this site every single day of the week on a regular basis. Instead, all I want you to do is email me with the Lot #'s that you want in order based on which one you want the most to the one you want the least. Then sometime later this week I'll put a bunch of names in a hat and just pick random winners for each lot. And remember, I'm going to pay for all shipping charges this time around, so you'll be getting this stuff for absolutely no charge.

Monday, May 19, 2003

A few more E3 photos --
You won't find any babes in this Photo Gallery update, it's all about the meaty sausage. Luckily, there's only about five pictures of this kind to oogle as the mass majority of the photos I took at the show were of the lovely booth babes that you got to witness with yesterday's posting. If you've got time to waste, check out all the photos and whack it to whichever ones happen to turn you on. It was a very fun week on the whole, with the only downer being that I put back on a heap of weight because of all the boozing and late night eatings after long days of starving. I'm going to take it all as a positive, as this off week might be good to spark my metabolism for my final run at getting under 200 lbs before the end of 2003.

A post-E3 "Dear Dave" --
Populated with a few of the still pertinent letters that were sent my way while I was either still down in LA or just shortly after I got back, this new "Dear Dave" update has a little bit of everything. If you sent something that isn't answered here or I didn't reply to personally, you'll probably need to send it again because I might have accidentally deleted it while throwing out all the junk that had filled my inbox upon returning after going a full six days without checking my email.

Sunday, May 18, 2003

The beautiful babes of E3 --
This was a pretty underwhelming E3 for me this year. With the exception of Half-Life 2 for the PC, there wasn't anything that astonished me. Sure, Halo 2 looked amazing and I'm looking forward to playing titles like MGS3, GT4, Ratchet & Clank 2, Jak II, Prince of Persia and all the other promising sequels/franchises/licenses, but there wasn't really all that much there that had me excited about being at the world's biggest videogame trade event.

Maybe it was because almost everything there was just that -- sequels, existing franchises and games based on licenses. The poor economy and the inherent risk involved in trying to create something new because people seem to gravitate towards the familiar might just be the death of this industry's soul. David Smith and I spent some time last night trying to figure out what good original titles were at the show and couldn't come up with all that many.

There was Yuji Naka's Billy Hatcher & The Giant Egg, Capcom's Viewtiful Joe, Ubi Sot's Beyond Good and Evil, and just a handful of other original titles that looked worth my time. If there were a lot more, maybe I just missed them because they didn't jump out at me because they weren't instantly recognizable or familiar. I might be bothered by the dependency on sequels, franchises and existing licenses, but I can't honestly blame anyone or really bitch because I'm all for playing new versions of the games I've enjoyed in the past. I'd honestly be pissed if Polyphony didn't make me a new Gran Turismo and I'm still hoping and praying for a true Gunstar Heroes sequel from Treasure.

Well, there's my little mini-rant for the day. I'll just leave it at that and let you guys check out the pictures of the 2003 E3 Booth Babes that I took on the last day of the show. Even though it might be hard to believe given my history, I honestly had no desire to photograph these women because I found the whole "booth babe" thing to be as tiresome as the sequels. I guess if I can't just sit down with the final game or get to take these ladies home, it just doesn't feel worth my time.

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

This is it! --
This will be my last update ever! Or until sometime after I get back from E3, whatever comes first. If all goes well, I should have lots and lots of photos of really hot booth babes for all of you when I get back, plus possibly some free goodies to give away. Until then, read this last "Dear Dave" for at least next next five to seven days. Enjoy!

Saturday, May 10, 2003

My brain is dead --
I'm pretty much a walking zombie right now. A combined 5 hours of sleep over the past two days will do that to a person, it seems. All of this skipping sleep seemed so much easier in the past because I was abusing ephedrine like a mad man and was downing enough pills to kill most lesser human beings (up to 15 times the maximum dosage per 24 hours at one time). Trying to avoid doing that this year and it's taking its toll. At least my heart won't blow up, so I'm guessing it's a wise decision.

Got some good news, though. At my lunch break, I went ahead and purchased some new clothes and I'm pretty pleased with the sizes I'm comfortably fitting into these days. My pants were all size 40, my belt was 38, my button shirts were size XL, and the t-shirts I picked up were XXLs. Not too bad for someone who wore size 58 jeans and XXXXL shirts last August. Kind of makes up for the fact that my nipples have migrated south. Now all I need is a full night's sleep and life will be great.

Friday, May 9, 2003

Christ, the MGS3 trailer rocks --
I never thought that a videogame trailer would ever give me goose bumps. Then I saw the world premiere of MGS2 at E3 a few years back. I never thought I'd get a similar reaction again. Then I saw the second full trailer for MGS2. I was sure then that I would never get that excited about a videogame trailer ever again. Well, for Christ's sake, Kojima and crew have done it to me once more!

The trailer for Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater has me extremely excited about this game and watching it has once again given me goose bumps. I know the last game didn't live up to the hype in the minds of many, but I thoroughly enjoyed playing it and the story, while a bit convoluted at times, pulled me in and kept me wanting to find out what would happen next. It's a rare thing in a videogame. I'm expecting all that goodness and a whole lot more in MGS3. I can't wait. If you haven't seen it yet, you can check out the trailer at PSX2.com.

Wednesday, May 7, 2003

To the right of sucky --
This newest update to the "Dear Dave" mail section isn't all that horrible this time around. The emails are much more diverse than usual and my responses are typically more than a single sentence. I guess you could chalk some of it to getting to sleep last night before 1 AM. Was able to get a full six hours of sleep last night and I'm feeling really peppy this morning.

Monday, May 5, 2003

Lovely.

Cinco de Mayo! --
She's not Mexican, but this Latin beauty -- Sofia Vergara -- should please those out there that are celebrating this glorious Cinco de Mayo holiday, as well as those that are not. This Babe of the Week is fit for all colors of man, including white, brown, black, yellow, and even you purple and green freaks out there. Don't be ashamed, just spank away like there's no tomorrow.

For those that don't know what the hell Cinco de Mayo is, it's a Mexican holiday that celebrates the anniversay of the day that 4,000 Mexican soldiers smashed some pussy French and traitor Mexican army ass at Pueblo, Mexican, 100 miles east of Mexico City on the morning of May 5, 1862. Even if you're not Mexican, you surely can't pass up any celebration about beating down the Frogs. Maybe we can team up with them again when we invade France in the not-so-distant future. VIVA! el CINCO DE MAYO!!

Serious road rage --
I'm going to make a prediction here -- before the end of the year, I will be arrested and thrown in jail as the result of "road rage". My anger on the roads seems to be getting worse and worse these days and I've gotten to the point where I'm actually thinking about running some jackass off the road that pissed me off, punching through his window, dragging him out and beating the shit out of him. It has honestly taken a lot of restraint on my part from acting upon these urges. Maybe it'll all calm down once we finish up this game. Or maybe it won't. It could be fun either way.

Sunday, May 4, 2003

Driving slow in the fast lane --
I think one of my biggest pet peeves is people that drive too slow in the fast lane. It pisses me off even more if it's someone driving an SUV really slow in the fast lane when they're only going maybe 1 to 2 miles per hour faster than the car in the lane to the right of them. It should be illegal and the penalty should be the loss of your driver's license. On top of that, there should also be a "use it or lose it law" that states that if you're driving a high performance car like a Porsche or Ferrari and you get passed by an '89 Honda Accord on the highway in a situation where you're not getting ready to exit or are just beginning to merge, you should have to give the driver of the Accord your automobile.

Oh, yeah, I weighed in this morning at 244.0 lbs, which is a drop of 1.5 lbs in the past week and an overall loss of 142.5 lbs. It was a pretty poor week because of the constant cravings that lead me to double up on a lot of my protein bars. But, I can't bitch because I still dropped in weight while possibly even adding some muscle according to my body fat scale. Still got a ways to go because I still can't fit into my size Large Vib Ribbon button shirt that is my ultimate goal. Once I can fit that shirt comfortably, I'll be an extremely happy man.

By the way, this will be the last of my weekly updates on my weight loss on the main page. Considering that I don't get time to update the site much these days, all of these weight loss updates start to stand out too much since they're the only things that are consistently updated. I personally don't like how it works out that way and would almost rather have fewer overall updates than too many of these kinds of them. That said, I do understand that many of you are in fact interested in my progress and some of you have even been inspired by it, so I will still keep you all posted on my weekly "weigh-ins". It's just not going to get a prominent mention on the front page of the site each and every week.

Saturday, May 3, 2003

A little lame --
I guess you can call this a "Dear Dave" update.

Friday, May 2, 2003

She's hot! Someone better buy her a fan.

An Aussie babe --
If she were lying naked on my floor, there'd be no stopping me from bangin' Natalie Imbruglia to the point of where she's torn. Don't get the wrong impression, though, because I'd treat her well. Damn, I'm pretty fucking tired because I don't think that all worked out as nicely as I thought it would. She's got a great face, nice lips, fantastic skin, and is extremely cute. I'd bang her and I bet that you would, too.

Pretty rough week --
I'm not sure why, but this has been an extremely difficult week with the diet. Not since starting this damn thing have I ever dealt with so much constant hunger and cravings to just eat whatever the hell I want. I haven't fallen off course, but the temptation has been pretty damn hard to ignore.

I've even doubled up on a couple of my meal replacement bars because I just had to eat something extra. I hope it all fades, because this has been a stressfull week because of it. It doesn't help that I've been doing the 16-18 hour days for a while. People also keep eating really tempting food around me -- or I'm just now noticing it more. Oh, well. Just gotta wait until Sunday and I can eat whatever the hell I want. It's the beauty of the BFL program.

Thursday, May 1, 2003

Taking the Accord into triple digits --
I've been told numerous times by many different people that my work ethic is going to be the death of me someday (sleep is for the weak!). I guess I might have found out one of the ways that this might come to fruition when I was driving home from work last night, or rather early this morning since it was after 3 o' clock in the AM. On the way home to my warm and comfy bed, I just completely "zoned out" on the road. It was especially weird because it wasn't the normal "passed out" that normally happens where I fall asleep, nod off, and then wake up. My eyes were open and I was "awake" as far as I can tell...I just wasn't all "there".

Anyway, when I finally came back from whatever planet I was visiting, I looked down at my speedometer and noticed that I was going about 102 or 103 MPH. It shocked the hell out of me because I had no idea my car could go that fast and I couldn't even recall accelerating to get it up to the point. Adding to the confusion, Enter Sandman was playing on my CD player, which was track 9 on disc 2 of the S&M CD, and I didn't remember skipping forward to select it. But it all matters not because I'm safe and sound. I got a full three hours of sleep before heading back in to work early this morning and will get to miss the traffic again on the trek home because there's nobody on the road after midnight.

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