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"Fuck this game!"

- Dane Cook

Thursday, July 31, 2003

Professional Stunt Driver --
On the drive home from work yesterday morning at about 5AM or so, I did an amazing double 360 degree spin in my car while driving down the highway...with my eyes closed! I'm just that damn good! I guess I should've just slept at the office since I was so tired, but I wanted out really bad. Luckily, I didn't hit anything and never even came to a complete stop. Kind of wish I could've got the whole thing on film, because I'm sure it looked pretty cool.

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Sick mother fucker --
The lack of sleep, the excess stress and the crazy hours is taking a fucking toll on me because I'm just getting sicker and sicker with each passing day. I had the worst upset stomach of my life this morning and spent most of it puking into my trash can while trying to get as much work done as I could. Can't wait until this crap is over. My body is about ready to fall apart right now. My brain is already long gone and pretty useless. Anyway, the "Dear Dave" section has gotten a long overdue update. Most of the letters are several weeks old and I think I've lost a lot of emails in the past month, so if you sent something that's not in here or hasn't been responded to directly, then you may want to send it again if you think it's important. Cheers!

Thursday, July 17, 2003

David Smith arrested! --
I knew the guy had some anger management problems, but never believed that he'd ever resort to real physical violence against anyone. Boy, I was apparently extremely wrong about him. The good doktor has just been arrested...in New York of all places. I didn't even know he was out of town, but I guess I haven't exactly been home much these past few weeks. I know now that I should never piss the guy off. If you want, you can read the full story here.

Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Masturbation can save your life! --
Next time someone gives you shit for masturbating too much, just tell them to get off your back and that you're only trying to help prevent prostate cancer. According to some recent research, walking the dog more than five times a week while in your 20s can decrease the likelihood that you'll develop an aggressive form of the disease later in your life by at least 33% or more (it's also effective while doing it in your 30s, 40s and 50s...and I'm sure it can't hurt to start in your teens).

So, jerk away my friends! Tug that little guy early and often and give him the attention that he needs! Half a million men die each year from prostate cancer...and you surely don't want to be one of them. Oh, yeah, and a special thanks to ViperVisor for sharing this great news with me so I could pass it along to all of you. Next time you're rubbing your dirty little crotch with glee, be sure to keep him in your thoughts.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Lucky to be a felon --
If not for my idiotic deeds as an immature adult, I would have gotten stuck doing some jury duty on August 4, 2003. But lucky for me, I'm exempt because I'm a convicted felon and I've yet to get my civil rights restored. Chalk this up to another positive of being a felon -- the others being the ability to tell those annoying people that hang out at the grocery stores wanting to get signatures of registered voters for their cause that, "sorry, I'm a convicted felon", and not having to worry about which "lesser of two evils" to vote for in the current election. Maybe if I can think up a good story, I might even be able to use it to get laid...

Monday, July 14, 2003

I'd die for her! Well, at least that'd be what I'd tell her...

Hot chicks in cool flicks --
Not only did I get to see a decent movie tonight -- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl -- but I was also introduced to a brand new babe to serve me in my masturbatory dreams. Who is this babe? Well, her name is Keira Knightley. And, while I thought I had witnessed her beauty for the first time ever tonight, that's not the real truth. I had actually seen her before without even knowing that I had seen her...when she served as the character Sabé in The Phantom Menace.

Man cooks and eats his own penis... --
David Toole likes reading about some weird ass shit. Don't ask me why. He just does. And when he does, he usually messages me the link so that I can see what his sick mind is into. Here's a story that he shared with me tonight.

A MALAYSIAN man sliced off his own penis, then fried and ate it after taking hallucinatory pills that caused him to hear voices urging him to mutilate himself, police said today.The 34-year-old man claimed he only realised what he had done when he saw blood oozing from his crotch, said a police spokesman in the town of Sitiawan, 300km north of Kuala Lumpur.

The man had taken hallucinatory pills before sleeping on Friday and awoke hearing voices telling him to chop off his penis and devour it, the spokesman said on customary condition of anonymity. He was hospitalised in stable condition, the national news agency Bernama reported. The man had recently been released from a drug rehabilitation centre, Bernama said.

Saturday, July 12, 2003

Christina Aguilera nekkid --
Whether or not XXX-Tina has turned into an unspankable fattie or not isn't important right now. Why, you ask? Well, because we'll always have these three practically nude and super hot pictures of Aguilera in prime condition to jerk it to. Think of it like waxing the schlong to pictures of Marylyn Monroe -- you're not fantasizing about her in her current state, are you? If you are, you're a very sick fuck and need some help!

Anyway, check out these sizzling new images of Christina Aguilera from some Australian People magazine that seem to be from the infamous Maxim photo shoot. The difference between these and the ones you might have seen in the magazine is that you get to see Christina's lovely nipples in all their wondrous glory. And don't forget to thank XpMatt2k3 for being the first to share these with me so I could share them with you. I'm personally thanking him with every single stroke.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

She could kick your ass! And I'm sure you'd enjoy it.

A damn fine killing machine--
I figured I had better post a new Babe of the Week before my minions begin to start a revolution to overthrow my fat ass. So, here you go, take a look at Kristanna Loken, the newest addition to my ever-growing Spank Bank™ and my latest Babe of the Week. For those not familiar with this hottie, she's the babe in the newest Terminator movie, T3: Rise of the Machines (and, no, I'm not talking about the chick from My So-Called Life). I'd probably be spanking to her right now if not for the fact that I'm stuck at work until at least Saturday or Sunday. Beating it at the office just isn't my style. I'll wait until the car ride home.

Even more DVDs... --
I have an addiction. But, at least I'm debt free, so it's not really fucking me in any way. This past DVD Tuesday, I went ahead and added another two flicks to my DVD movie collection -- Evil Dead II and Phone Booth. The first simply completes my Evil Dead collection (Army of Darkness is among my all-time favorite movies, by the way) and the second is a pretty darn good movie that I'm glad I picked up on a whim.

I now own a grand total of 203 DVDs. Don't even pretend like you're not impressed. I know you'd kill to get your hands on my Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Mandy Moore, and Jessica Simpson DVDs. It's okay to be envious. I won't hold it against you. I'm tired. It's 3:17AM and I must get back to work. Good night.

Sunday, July 6, 2003

I can't sleep... --
And it's really starting to piss me the fuck off. I finally decided to come home so I could sleep in my own bed after being in the office since Monday morning and getting a grand total of maybe eight total hours of sleep for the entire week...and, well, I can't fall asleep. I feel completely drained, tired and just worn out, but I'm also completely "alert" and unable to sleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It's now 4:30 AM and I'm wide awake. I've just chugged a bottle of Nyquil with a half-dozen sleeping pills, so I'm hoping that I can get some rest now to better prepare me for the sure-to-be grueling weeks ahead.

The good news is that my sleep problems means that you guys are getting a new "Dear Dave" update. It's the first one since June 23rd, so some of the emails are kind of old and possibly out-dated. Luckily, most are pretty timeless so it doesn't really matter how long it takes for me to reply to them.

Thursday, July 3, 2003

I have no home! --
Well, I do have a home, but I just haven't seen it since Monday and probably won't be seeing it again for another few days. Luckily, the couch in my office is quite comfy, I have my laptop with me to play DVDs (recently added Gangs of New York, There's Something More About Mary, and The Terminator to the collection) in the background while I'm working, and I feel fairly awake and alert despite the consecutive 20-22 hour work days. The only downer is that I don't have anything real to update with. Just wanted to let you guys know why nothing is being posted.

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