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"Happiness is that state of consciousness which proceeds from the achievement of one's values."

- Ayn Rand

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Stupid California bullshit --
I took my car to get it smog checked yesterday because it's something that I need to do when I renew my car's registration. The whole thing has turned out to be many flavors of smelly anal suckage.

First, California recently made some changes that require new and very expensive equipment to do these checks, so only about 10% of the places that used to do these checks are doing them now. Second, because the machines are so damn expensive, the companies have to charge about five times what they used to charge to do these tests. Third, the tests are much stiffer than they were before, so the majority of early late '80s cars, like mine, are failing.

Well, my car failed the $87 pre-test and it's going to be a minimum of $100 to fix the first of the things that failed. It's quite possible that this could end up costing me $500 to get the thing smog certified. While $500 isn't really all that much cash, it's more than I really want to spend on a car barely worth $1,500.

Oh, well. I have until May to decide what I want to do. I'll either just get the thing fixed, find someone shady to smog certify me without fixing it, or just buy a new car. Regardless, I really hate California's smog and environmental bullshit. I might just go to the park tonight and pump a couple of gallons of diesel fuel into the root system of a bunch of trees to kill them off. It'd be payback for making me have to do this crap (I'm just kidding, btw).

Friday, February 27, 2004

Lots and lots of porn --
The"Dear Dave" section has seen an end-of-week update. Although it may be smallish in size, it has some nice links to babe related stuff, plus some pictures of this super hot model named Carolina Ardohain. Oh, yeah, and there's also some non-babe related talk if that's what floats your boat.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004

Porn stars are so damn cool!

A Vivid porn star --
My new Babe of the Week is the adult entertainer Kira Kenner. She's hot, likes to get naked and has some big punching bags hanging from her chest that are surely giving her back more of a workout than it honestly needs. But her back's burden and pain is nothing but a reward for both you and I.

A slip 'n slide adventure --
It was one of those adventurous drives to work this morning thanks the Pacific Islands-like monsoon that accompanied the commute. The rain was coming down so hard at points that even the high speed wipers weren't getting the job done. All this was topped off by some gusting winds that were reportedly getting up to 50 or 60 MPH in some parts.

The good thing about this kind of weather is that it keeps the slow pokes in the slow lane, unlike in normal conditions. Despite there being hundreds of cars on the road and bumper to bumper traffic in spots, the fast lane was relatively empty. Being the kind of guy that I am, I decided to take advantage of it by taking the ole '89 Accord up to 95 MPH in this torrential downpour.

Alas, this wasn't really the best thing to do. While all was good and well for the most part because I only did this during a stretch where I knew the roads were completely straight, I didn't quite take into account that these roads suck major hairy booty in terms of water dispersal. You'll get stretches of relatively dry roads that are littered with spots where there are puddles that are two to three inches deep.

I happened to hit one of these puddles while flying at 95 MPH. And to make things even more exciting, it was one of those puddles that only hit the left half of my car. Doing this caused my car to rotate about 45 degrees while still continuing in a straight path. The first thing that popped into my head was a desire to flip the wheel to try and bring me into a 360-degree spin. However, I ignored that craving because there were so many cars on the road at the time. Instead, I just used my 100,000 hours of hardcore Gran Turismo experience to regain control of my car once the tires were able to make contact with the pavement again.

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Short and somewhat sweet --
I've updated "Dear Dave" with some new reader emails and my own personal responses. You'll have to head inside to read up on topics that cover everything from The Onion and VoodooPC to Radio Free Roscoe and Posh Spice.

Chappelle is mine! --
The copy of Chappelle's Show - Season One that I had pre-paid for at Suncoast showed up today, so I went ahead and picked it up. It's the 317th DVD in my obnoxious movie collection.

A funny movie --
Brandon and I decided to take a little break from work last night to see Eurotrip at the shitty little theater in the Northgate Mall and both of us left rather pleased with the film. Not only did it provide me with some extra spank footage for Kristin Kreuk, but it also offered up a whole lot of female breastsss and things to laugh at. If you're into stupid comedies with lots of titties, then I'd suggest checking it out when you get a chance.

Monday, February 23, 2004

PS2 library grows by two --
Last week, I ordered a couple of copies of Culdcept (one to keep and one to sell at a later date) from IGN Gamestore and purchased a copy of The Document of Metal Gear Solid from someone on eBay for $10 brand new and they both arrived in the mail today. These two games are now a part of my PlayStation 2 library that is now back up to a more respectable 85 titles.

I finally decided to pick up Culdcept because just about everyone at work who's into games is playing it. And even though I've never really gotten into the whole card game phenomenon, I figured it'd be worth checking out. As for The Document of Metal Gear Solid, I just thought that I needed to own it being a big Metal Gear fan, especially at the cost of a mere $10. The funny thing is that the game actually has its UPC code punched out, so it might be a copy that was sent to someone in editorial, marketing, sales or from an employee of Konami.

Fascism at work! --
All right, so maybe it's not fascist, but I read a funny news story this morning and figured I ought to share it with the rest of you. Apparently, some 35-year old guy named Andre Gainey got busted in New York for watching porn in his car while driving his Mercedes Benz in the town of Schenectady. And, for those of you that are interested, the movie he was watching was titled Chocolate Foam.

Friday, February 20, 2004

Yet another "Dear Dave" --
It's been a busy week on the email front it seems, as I've already gotten enough worthy messages for yet another "Dear Dave" update. That's four in the last seven days for those of you that are keeping score at home. By the way, if you are keeping score at home, you really ought to get out more. And if you don't like the getting out, then find yourself a good alone hobby like pounding the penguin.

Anyway, today's "Dear Dave" has banter about Scarlett Johansson (and pics!), the sad state of videogames, some more love for Battle Royale, outrage about Jordan Ladd not getting nekky in Cabin Fever, a warning about "L" computers, the origin of my Fish and Cane fandom, debate about iPod vs. iPod Mini and laptops vs. desktops, my chances for becoming President, and a few other random things.

A booty load of DVDs --
It's not DVD Tuesday, but it is one of those triple points weekends at Suncoast so I had to go out and pay for a bunch of new DVDs that I might not normally buy because I figure spending $20 to get back $5 is worth it for some reason. The fact is that I'm addicted to buying new DVDs. Anyway, I purchased Intolerable Cruelty (CZJ is freaking hot), How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (co-worker said it was surprisingly good), and Futurama Vol. 1 (just love this series). I also went ahead and paid in full about six pre-orders that will be coming out between now and the end of March. My collection is now standing tall and proud (in a geeky proud kind of way) at 316 titles.

Thursday, February 19, 2004

Britney is mine! --
Okay, so I haven't executed my devious plan to kidnap Britney Spears...yet. However, what I have done is go out and pick up a copy of Britney's Dance Beat for PlayStation 2. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. But don't bother sharing your opinion on the stupidity of my purchase, because I really don't care.

It's a game that I've wanted to own for a long time, but was hoping I could swing a free copy because I didn't want to actually spend money on it. I've since given up on getting it for free, so when I saw a new copy sitting there on the shelf at EB today, I just couldn't resist picking it up.

Another game down --
I can add Onimusha 2 to my "finished games" list, as I just beat it today on the default difficulty level and opened everything up possible. It's the second game I've completed in the past seven days, with the other one being the previously mentioned Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance -- both for PS2. Next up on my list is going to be Britney's Dance Beat just so I can have all the special videos on the disc unlocked. After that, it'll either be Fatal Frame, Culdcept, Rygar or Maximo.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

I've got mail --
The letters just keep rolling in, so I just keep updating "Dear Dave". Today's topics include getting Morgan Webb into Playboy, my appearance on Consumption Junction, losing and gaining weight, Average Joe, subpar babes, the cute little French pop star named Alizee and a few other things that may or may not be of interest to you.

New gadgets --
My extra non-car savings is starting to burn a whole in my pockets so I've decided that I'm going to buy some fancy shit over the course of the next few weeks. The big item will be a brand new laptop, but I'm also looking to get a 15GB Apple iPod and a Sony DVD Recorder RDR-GX7.

I figure I'd go with the new 15GB model for the iPod because I'm sure it'll be more than enough for me since I just don't have all that much music that I'd actually want to put on it. And with regard to the DVD recorder, it's just something I started desiring only a few weeks ago because I want to be able to keep more of the crap I Tivo and figure I'll always run out of space no matter how big of a hard drive I put in it.

As for the laptop, I'm leaning towards getting the 15.4" New Yorker from L Computers. It's a bit pricey, but I'm a big fan of its style and overall sexiness. I figured a guy as sexy as I am should have a laptop that's every bit as sexy. If I don't get that, then it'll probably be one of Sony's V505 or TR3 Vaios. Again, I'm all about the sexy.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

DVD Tuesday --
Nothing new came out today that I was interested in, but I did go out and pick up a couple of older DVDs with some coupons that I had sitting around -- The Boondock Saints and Cabin Fever. I picked up the former because several of you suggested it to me in previous "Dear Dave" updates and I went for the latter because someone on the Z Boards claimed it had lots of boobies in it. And, as you know, I like me some boobies.

Monday, February 16, 2004

Someone please turn off the AC, my nipples are getting hard.

Found in my Spank Bank™ --
She may have been in Lost in Translation but my new Babe of the Week has been found right where she belongs in my Spank Bank™. Scarlett Johansson is the cutie that starred alongside Bill Murray in the critically acclaimed Lost in Translation where she won my penis from the very first scene she appeared in. If you've seen the flick, you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, well that's your loss.

Voices from Canada --
You're getting a quick turnaround with "Dear Dave" because a few Canadian readers had to share their side of the story with regard to the feud between Canada and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog / Conan. There's also lots of other stuff about things like Bowling for Columbine, Malia Jones, Jamie Pressly, and the truth about whether or not I've really ever had a dick in my ass.

Working on a holiday --
My Sunday was so damn boring that I decided to come in to work today even though it's an official day off because I just had nothing better to do. Not because I'm dedicated, not because I have some important stuff to get finished now, and not because it's what I really want to do. It's just because I have nother better to do. Sad shit, isn't it? But, don't worry, I only plan to be here for about four to six hours and no more. I figure I can play some videogames and masturbate to kill the last half of the day.

Oh, by the way, I finished Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance last week on both the normal and extreme difficulty levels and am about halfway through Onimusha 2. My goal is to beat all of the beatable titles (games with endings...) in my current generation collection within the year. I'm pretty backed up right now, but it's a challenge worth taking because at the very worst, it'll give me something to do when I'm bored.

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Neologism and other shiznit --
It's one of those days where I answer your emails in my "Dear Dave" section. Just so you know, I'm just doing it for the nookie even though none of you have been kind enough to hook me up with any girls yet. Hopefully things will change in the not-so-distant future. In today's update, we talk about the lovely Lisa Gleave, the first beer I ever got drunk off of, some folks not liking my BotW, plus tidbits on The O.C., Boondock Saints, and my love for movies like She's All That and Josie and the Pussycats.

Canadians are silly --
I have nothing against Canadians -- as several of my past BotW's have come from finer pastures up North. However, what the fuck is the deal with them getting all uptight over Trimph the Insult Comic Dog (see story). Can't people take a damn joke these days? It's as stupid as getting your nickers in a bunch over some one second nipple shot appearing on the boob tube. People are just great...FOR ME TO POOP ON!

Wednesday, February 11, 2004

Redheads are freaks in bed.

Red hot --
My new Babe of the Week is the sizzling hot readhead Laura Prepon who is one of the stars on Fox's That '70s Show. Her spankability is one of the many great movies to watch the show and that's why she's being given this honor today.

Smashing the 300 barrier --
Not only have I reached the 300 plateau, but I've quickly shot past it as my Amazon.com orders for all three James Bond collector's sets arrived in the mail this week. My DVD collection is now at a grand total of 311 titles thanks to the 15+ movies in the three sets. If this doesn't get me laid more, then nothing will!

Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance --
I hadn't really played any games since that period last year when I beat Prince of Persia and Beyond Good & Evil, so I decided to finally give the first Baldur's Gate Dark Alliance for PS2 a run through. The game's pretty mindless, but damn is it a good way to kill some time. I think I'll go ahead and finish it up this weekend and then start something else that's in my collection that I've yet to touch -- possibly FFX-2 or something shorter like Rygar.

Monday, February 9, 2004

Early moaning --
Hey, I've updated "Dear Dave" for you this fine morning because I don't want to put up a new Babe until later in the week to give Carmella a little more time at the top. Anyway, "Dear Dave" is filled with topics like Janet's damaging bare nipple (again), Elisha Cuthbert's porno movie, topless Kirsten Dunst (fake), the Super Bowl, going to school in Hawaii, movies, DVDs, the Real World/Road Rules chicks (again), and lots of other things related to either sports, booze, boobs, or videogames.

Strange things... --
I was pissed off about something yesterday, so I decided to head to work to actually get some shit done. Noticed some odd shit, though, when heading out the door of my apartment -- Smith and Toole were in the living room watching some kind of a show about Christina Aguilera (looked like some E! or VH1 presenation). Maybe my disease is spreading, because I don't think either one is a fan of hers. So, be warned, if you ever get to meet me and we shake hands, you might catch what I've got.

 

Saturday, February 7, 2004

Win a chance to tap this ass! --
The newest issue of FHM arrived earlier this week bringing with it an amazing opportunity for each and every one of us -- a chance to win a date with Vida Guerra. Hell, and if things go right on your chaperoned evening date with this lovely lass, you might even get a chance to tap that fine ass! It's obviously not a part of the contest, but you never know what could happen if you just play your cards right and get her to fall in love with you. Oh, yeah, and by "you" I'm really meaning "me".

Anyway, if you're interested in this contest you'll have to check out the latest FHM. It's the March 2004 issue with Paris Hilton on the cover. The contest basically requires you to send in a photo of yourself with an essay of up to 150 words describing your devotion to Vida. You have until the end of March to do it and they'll pick the winner in the middle of April. I'd share all the specifics, but figure it'd be better for you just to go do the research yourself.

Although, I did get a kick out of some of the legal mumbo jumbo in the contest rules that I just had to share with you. There's this part that says, "Substitute prize of equal or greater value may be awarded if price becomes unavailble." What the fuck? So, if Vida backs out, they'll hook you up with another hot chick with a fine ass booty? And who exactly determines that this new chick is Vida's equal or superior? Regardless, it'd be a fun job to pick 'em.

There's also this part that states, "Approximate retail value of prize is $750." Does this mean that I can just go out and rent Vida for a night for a mere $750? If so, where exactly do I go to shop for these kinds of bitches? I think I need to get out more because I'm way out of the loop these days.

Thursday, February 5, 2004

Spicy mix of Puerto Rican and Italian.

The wait is over! --
It's been a long time coming, but the wait is finally over as Carmella DeCesare is finally getting her much deserved mention as my latest Babe of the Week. Seeing that she's the result of a mix between Puerto Rican and Italian genes, one of my first orders of business when I end up taking over this world will be to demand that more Italians and Puerto Ricans get busy with each other in the hope of creating an army of women that look this stunningly beautiful. It'll be one of my top 10 commandments. Don't worry, though, I promise to share any of the positive results from these mixes (when they come of age) with those that have been loyal to me.

Another new DVD --
My DVD collection has grown by a single movie, as The Exhibitionist Files arrived today from Amazon.com. It's not the biggest budget of films, but I just had to have it because it features plenty of nakedness from beauties like Catalina Larranaga and E3 Booth Babe and former Babe of the Week Diana Kauffman. I'm not sure you realized this about me, but I'm a fan of female nakedness.

I also have a copy coming my way of The Last Days of Disco that I purchased from Amazon UK for a little over $30. Why would I pay that much for a movie? It seems to be a bit of a collector's item because I see it flipping for $80+ on the US side of Amazon and for $50+ on eBay auctions. I'll either turn around and sell it for profit when I get it or just open it up and jerk to Kate Beckinsale for shits and giggles. Either way, I come out a winner.

Tuesday, February 3, 2004

The mailman commeth --
I won't have a new babe for you until tomorrow so for the time being you'll have to kill some time by reading the latest update to "Dear Dave". Half of it is basic shit like babe suggestions and the rest is made up of chatter about my Janet/Michael morph nightmare, working out, Rectal Rooter, Ferrari F575, player ratings and my thoughts on the movie Thirteen.

DVD Tuesday --
The obligatory DVD Tuesday update: I picked up a couple of new DVDs today, including My Boss's Daughter and Lost In Translation. The first because it seems like it'll be stupid and make me laugh and the latter because I hear pretty good things about it. Plus, Smith assures me that I'll like Scarlett Johansson, the lead female character in the flick. I'm now only 10 movies shy of the 300 barrier, which would make me a lock for the dumb ass Hall of Fame.

Monday, February 2, 2004

Cribz 2004: The DaveZ Edition --
As you know, I moved into a new place last summer. However, I have yet to find the time to take pictures of the new place and post a new Photo Gallery update. That all changed yesterday as I was trying to kill time while waiting through the boring pre-game Super Bowl hype and propaganda (you would think that the game was going to decide the fate of all mankind based on how they prop it up before it starts). Anyway, if you're interested having an inside look at the place where I live, check out Cribz 2004: The DaveZ Edition.

Janet Jackson's Super Bowl nipple --
The commercials mostly sucked, the game mostly sucked and the halftime show mostly sucked, but there was at least one bright spot on Super Bowl Sunday -- getting to see Janet Jackson's right boobie and nipple. Given that it was the highlight of the entire thing, why in the hell is CBS apologizing for it? (see CNN artcile). If anything, CBS should be apologizing to me for having to put up with their shitty overlays and presentation all fucking year long. Fox, ABC, and ESPN are all leagues above CBS in this respect. Give a 3rd grader Paint Shop Pro and you'll likely get better looking overlays than what you get from CBS. Anyway, here's a high res shot of the boobie and nipple in question:

Oh, by the way...I figure this would be a good time to share with you a story about Janet and why I don't ever have sexual fantasies about her even though she has an unbelievable body and is hella fine. Way back in the day around the time Rhythm Nation had just come out, I was having this dream where I was having sex with Janet. I was pounding away and all was good, but then right at the point where we both were about to climax, her face morphed into Michael.

So for a very split second, I was actually fucking Michael. That was enough to wake me up from me dream and traumatize myself for life. I can't even get hard looking at Janet anymore because of it. What's even funnier about it all is that I've died many times in my dreams without waking up, but that freak occurrence snapped me out of my dream state quicker than death ever has. I had planned on taking this story with me to the grave, but figured what the hell, I'm sure someone will get a laugh out of it.

Slip-n-slide ride to work --
It's raining cows and bulls this morning and it helped make the early morning commute in to work a little less boring than usual. The roads around here suck ass when it comes to rain -- they don't drain well and the uneven pavement makes for a lot of dry areas followed by mammoth puddles. Sounds bad, right? Not at all, my dear friends. What all this means is that for about 5% of the drive, I was completely out of control of my vehicle and that can be quite exhilarating. I even did one of those hydroplane moments where I decided to jerk the wheel 45 degrees just to see if I could do it without having any affect on the direction of my vehicle. I don't know exactly why I find all this to be so fun, but it just gets me off.