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"You look like this stripper I helped put through college."

- Me to some girl at a club

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

You've got Dave --
It's about time for a new "Dear Dave" update for all of you to read. The highlights of this update are easily the two pictures of Charisma Carpenter and her nekkid boobies from Playboy and the pre- and post-implant pictures of Sha Ross. There's also some talk about Teen Kelly, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Final Examination, Lindsay Lohan, and some other things that aren't quite as interesting as checking out Charisma's love pillows.

Some party pics --
I promised to post some links to a couple of clubs I hit a few months ago but completely forgot about them. While they don't really have many pictures of me included, here are links to the pictures my boy David Toole took when we went to Ten15 on two seperate occasions to listen to some kick ass DJs. Enjoy!

• Gabriel and Dresden 03/19/04
• Armin Van Buuren 04/02/04

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

It's Tuesday... --
It's DVD Tuesday, so I figured I'd be a slack ass and just give you nice people an update on what new movies I picked up -- Big Fish and Love Actually. I've never seen either one, but have heard plenty of great things about both. Plus, the latter of the two stars the stunning Keira Knightley, so I just couldn't resist adding it to my DVD collection that's grown to 334 titles. I'm sure they'll both be better than Wing Commander, so alls good in the world.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Hilary's enemy!

Not really my thing --
I know there are a few million worthy babes that I haven't honored yet, but I was drawing blanks today thinking of who to honor this week. As a result, I've decided to make my new Babe of the Week a young woman who doesn't really turn me on all that much -- Lindsay Lohan. While she doesn't do it for me, I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that wax your surfboard to her whenever you get the chance. This one's for you!

Slow going --
Maybe it's because I've only been massaging my manhood once a day of late, but the weight loss progress has been slow going these past couple of weeks. I only managed to drop a single pound over the course of the past two weeks despite having relatively perfect days on both the diet and exercise fronts.

Because of this, I'm still above my lowest adult weight ever, as I'm stuck at 244 lbs. Don't fret, though, because I'm expecting to make some progress this week. I fully expect to be in the mid- to low-230s by the forthcoming Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles.

Friday, April 23, 2004

A bunch of letters --
I've responded to a bunch of your emails in today's update of "Dear Dave". The only problem is that I'm very, very freaking tired right now and have answered the emails very lazily.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Master and something, something --
Feeling a bit on the tired side, so I'm going just give ya'll a quick, "I bought a new DVD yesterday" update. I picked up Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World for my future viewing pleasure. Maybe displeasure if it's as bad as Brandon claims. Regardless, it's sure to kill about three hours of my time whether I enjoy it or not.

Monday, April 19, 2004

Her mom warned her about making faces...

A sexy Brit --
This week's Babe of the Week is sexy little lass from the little island across the pond that used to rule the world several centuries ago. Her name is Rachel Stevens and she was a member of some shitty Brit pop group whose CDs I'd probably own if they were released here. Anyway, she's hot, she's a babe, and now she's a Babe of the Week.

Final Fantasy XI, Jak II, etc. --
A little FYI for ya. I still have a couple of items up for auction on eBay. They include Final Fantasy XI with Hard Disk Drive, Jak II, NFL GameDay 2003, and a Nyko Keyboard Controller...all for PlayStation 2. Woo! Aren't you just thrilled that I shared this information with you?

1st place --
I rarely talk about baseball on this site because my team hasn't been good for a long ass time and my favorite player has long since retired. However, my Baltimore Orioles are currently in first place in the mighty AL East ahead of the Sox by a full game and the Yankees by a game and a half.

Sure, they've only played 11 games and have 151 games remaining on their schedule, but who cares? They're in first place! It probably won't last long, so I'm going to have to celebrate it now while I can. Let's go O's!

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Weekend update --
A little bored now that I've finished my work for today and the Flyers' game and first round series is over (go Philly!), so I've taken some time to update the "Dear Dave" section. Lots of different topics are covered, so do some reading if you have nothing else better to do. You've got a sad, sad life if that's the case.

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Games, games and more games! --
I guess I'm the eBay expert or something because three of my friends have tasked me with unloading all of their games that they no longer want or need. I get a massive cut of the profits, so it's all tits to me. Below you'll find links to all of the games that I now have up for auction (not anymore, I just deleted them since most of the auctions are now over). Buy anything that you're interested in -- here's a link to a list of all my current auctions.

Kill Bill --
I only picked up one new DVD on what turned out to be a slow-ish DVD Tuesday yesterday. The DVD is Quentin's Kill Bill Volume 1. I never got to see it in the theaters and while I've heard extremely mixed views about it, I thought it was worth picking up because I've liked the guy's previous flicks.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

A bit about something --
An all-new "Dear Dave" is waiting for you to give a little read. Interesting topics about Mickelson, porn, more porn, William Hung, taking pictures when I go out, The Girl Next Door, even more porn, Vegas hot spots, high school worries, videogame music and other random things are discussed thoroughly. It's worth a few seconds out of your work or school day, that's for sure. It sure as hell beats the shit out of algebra or dealing with office drama.

Ever growing readership --
I decided to check out my web traffic stats last night for the first time in this calendar year and was just blown away by the analysis of the data. It appears that my site is now being read by more than 75,000 people on a monthly basis. Each person is viewing the site about six times per month and they stay for approximately 16 minutes per visit.

I'm not sure how the stat program was able to figure out this information from the web logs, but it also claims that 87.8% of the visitors are browsing the site with a single hand. Not sure what that means exactly, but it is interesting information to say the least. And for a more impressive number, this site is apparently getting more than 2 million "hits" per month and 69 million "spanks" per minute. Not too shabby for a site with virtually nothing to offer to the world.

-Stamos no more! --
Everyone can rejoice as the "-Stamos" has been kicked to the curb as she is now simply to be known as the ultra hot Rebecca Romijin! This is the biggest news story of 2004, in my opinion. Dwarfing anything that's happening over in the Middle East and topping the whole upcoming presidential election by a longshot. Rebecca is now free to marry me!

Reality TV featuring Britney Spears --
In other entertainment news, it appears that my dear Britney Spears is shopping around a reality TV show idea that's being called OnTourage. It's supposed to cover her backstage on concert and is said to be a mix of MTV's The Real World and Madonna's Truth or Dare. However, I have my doubts that she'll be fucking as much as the whores do on The Real World and there won't be as much sexuality as is in that Madonna crap. Nonetheless, I'll still Tivo it if it comes to fruition. Jerking to it is an obvious no-brainer.

Monday, April 12, 2004

She has really small hands...

"I like porn" --
One of the ninjas I work with likes to say that phrase a lot. Every time he says it, I usually chime in with a little "me too." My newest Babe of the Week is a very good reason to like the porn. She's none other than Briana Banks, who happens to be one of my top 10 favorite adult entertainers.

If you're looking to get me a late birthday present, you could always get me one of those vibrating Briana vaginal molds to play around with. It'll cost you only $145 and it'll me save years of wear and tear off my wrists.

"I like boobies" --
Now this was a phrase that would come out of my old roomie's mouth a lot. Every time he would say it, I'd usually follow-up with a, "nothing's wrong with that". Now why do I bring this up? Well, I'm watching The Nick and Jessica Variety Show and am very enamored with Jessica's delicious milky twins. All I gotta say is, "I like boobies!"

Skipped my morning shake --
The worst part is that I really could've used it this morning because the drive in was hellish because of some "emergency construction" that helped cause my commute to take 90 minutes instead of the normal 25. It's safe to say that both of my heads were ready to explode by the time the roads cleared up a bit and I was flying by at 85 MPH in the fast lane. All's good now, however, as I'm feeling like a 100,000 dollar bank note thanks to an invigorating morning workout.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

PGA Golf > NBA Basketball? --
Well, not likely. But golf did prove to be better entertainment for me today. I decided to take a break from work to watch the Lakers vs. Kings since they usually deliver enjoyable games because of their intense rivalry and exciting styles. However, with the lead constantly in the 20s by the Kings, I just wasn't able to get into it.

As a result, I did some channel flipping and ended up watching the last six holes of The Masters to see if Phil "the best player never to win a major" Mickelson could actually pull this one out. And as odd as it may seem to see the words "exciting" and "golf" in the same sentence, the backstory and how it all played out made for some exciting golf. I even jumped up and clapped when Phil's birdie putt on the 18th dropped him to give him the victory.

The only downer about it all is that Mickelson is now just another great golfer who has a major title under his belt. There's a whole lot of those around, so he's no longer as unique. I guess next up is the Cubs or Red Sox winning the World Series this October.

A couple of okay nights --
Didn't really do anything spectacular this weekend, but did head out with a bunch of friends on Friday night to both Ruby Skye and One8One. Ruby was interesting because it was the first time I went to that place since my New Year's Eve fiasco. It was very awkward inside because it felt like I had never been in the building before even though I had partied there on several occasions in the past including New Year's Eve. However, what was even more awkward was that the girl Brandon brought out with him that night looked like darker-skinned Jennifer Love Hewitt. The first five minutes that we were waiting in line outside I felt so uncomfortable because I kept forcing myself to look away because I just couldn't believe how much she resembled JLH and didn't want to stare.

After getting our free drinks at Ruby we headed over to One8One, which was surprisingly empty when we first got there. Things picked up a bit at around 1AM, but it was a fairly slow night in comparison to my past experiences at the club. The good news about the night was that I was successful in being rejected by six different immensely hot girls in a 20 to 25 minute span. Going 0 for 6 might be a bad night at the plate for a professional ball player, but for me it was enjoyable time because I much prefer to strike out swinging than playing with myself in the on deck circle.

The baseball analogies aren't quite as fitting for the following night's festivities because it had more of a pro football flavor because half of the Oakland Raiders football team were partying at One8One on Saturday. I couldn't identify any of them without their jerseys on with the exception of Lincoln Kennedy and Mo Collins because they just stood out like a fat guy wearing a Speedo at a public beach. These were two massive individuals that could probably crush me with their pinky fingers if they wanted to. When they walked by me, I was able to look at them eye-to-eye, but that was only because I happened to be dancing on this six-inch step at the time because the floor was full.

Anyway, both the upstairs and downstairs dance floors were shoulder-to-shoulder packed the entire time we were there. I didn't try to annoy any girls that night with my stupid pick up lines because I just spent most of the time dancing rather poorly and without any rhythm with my brother's girlfriend that I was hanging out with. It was a relatively calm evening because I only had $55 remaining after the previous night and that's just not enough to get me drunk considering $10 of that goes to parking, I'm tipping about $2 per drink nowadays (instead of $20), and coat check is like $5 (and I had to check my coat twice…). Still had a good time because it was more fun than sitting at home jerking off to some Newlywed's re-run. Or was it?

Just a few more weeks --
Had another solid week of losing weight, as I'm now down to a svelte 245.0 lbs. This puts me at exactly five over my E3 weight last year and seven heavier than my lowest adult weight ever of 238 lbs that I hit on June 15th of last year. I'm hoping to pass both of those milestones by my weigh-in on the 25th of this month in exactly two weeks. I've had six consecutive positive weeks and don't expect any setbacks in the foreseeable future. It's kind of funny, but going out every weekend hasn't hampered my progress one bit. In fact, it has seemed to help me stay motivated and on track during the week when I had been faltering previously.

Friday, April 9, 2004

Long and slippery --
Girl Next Door is one of the best films of the year, by the way. That Cuthbert chick is just too damn fine. It was worth the two-hour lunch break that I had to take to check it out at matinee prices. Anyway, I've updated "Dear Dave" with a TON of your letters. Maybe you should check to see if I've answered anything that you've sent. I apologize in advance for the response to the email that needed a resonse by Thursday at the latest. I hope everything turned out for the best...

Thursday, April 8, 2004

Mischa starred in one of the greatest films ever made -- Jessica Alba's Paranoid.

Another hottie from The O.C. --
If my fondness for The O.C. isn't obvious by now, then it will never be. This week's Babe of the Week marks the third actress from the series to be honored with this prestigious award. The newest honoree is none other than the lovely Mischa Barton, who plays the often-annoying Marissa Cooper on the aforementioned television show. She's a very spank-worthy babe whose throat will hopefully be introduced to the head of my Super Penis™ some day.

Anger management --
I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to find a way to masturbate even more than I normally do. After my 72 hour spoog-less streak opened my eyes to the fact that I tend to get angry more when I haven't jerked it in a while, I now fully understand why my road rage is always much worse when driving home from work than when driving to work in the morning.

In the morning, I typically whack it the second I get up, so I go to work feeling good and relieved. In the evening when I drive home from work, it's typically about 12 to 14 hours from the last time I sprayed my man juice. Subsequently, I tend to go home a bit angry and frustrated. If I could somehow find a way to shine the sub more often while at work, I'm sure I could keep myself in a better mood all day long. Maybe I can just start renting a hotel room for an hour on my lunch breaks...

10th for the 'Cube --
Thanks to the hook-up from Doktor Smith, my GameCube collection has grown to 10 titles in size with the addition of Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles. With work being as busy as it is right now, I don't have any time to check it out. However, it'll definitely be on my "To Do" list once we go final on both PS2 and Xbox later this year.

Tuesday, April 6, 2004

72 hours and counting --
I understand that many of you are waiting for a new Babe of the Week. But I've got bigger news to share -- I have not masturbated at all in the last 72 hours. It's not something that I've planned to do, but rather something that just happened and I don't know why it has.

The odd thing about it all is that my level of anger right now is a LOT higher than it is normally. Instead of just getting annoyed by the dumb ass drivers, I'm actually getting pissed off and yelling and flipping them off. Plus, I'm starting to look at very average looking girls and getting turned on by them.

Again, all this is very odd to me. I'll probably just end the streak before I catch some z's tonight, but I might just try skipping my nightly stroke just to see what else this will alter about my personality.

Some Britney, Neo and Martin --
Picked up a trio of new DVDs today -- Matrix Revolutions, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Britney Spears - In The Zone. The last one is self-explanatory if you know anything about me, the middle one is supposed to be funny, and the first one just fills out the trilogy. Well, that's all folks.

Monday, April 5, 2004

Boring and sloppy --
The "Final Four" tournament is supposed to be the most exciting thing in all sports (I actually like playoff hockey better), but this year's finale was a complete waste of my time. The game was extremely boring, it didn't even seem competitive and it was filled with a lot of sloppy and ugly basketball. It would've been much better had the Duke/UConn game been the final and not this one. At least it didn't suck nearly as much as last year's NBA Final. There were actually players that knew how to shoot in this championship game.

Much better Saturday night & Sunday --
Didn't start the party festivities until a little before midnight on Saturday evening, but the fun didn't stop until after 8PM Sunday night. After doing some random stuff until about 6AM, we headed to the End Up, where we chilled until the sun went back down. I lived off of lots and lots of Red Bulls to keep me going. It turned out to be a great way to end a weekend that started off rather poorly, I must admit.

It's about time! --
The good news doesn't stop with the fun times at the End Up. I'd also like to announce that I've FINALLY gotten back down under 250 lbs. My Sunday morning weigh-in had me tipping the scales at 249.0 lbs, which is the lightest I've been since I jumped back over the 250 mark in the middle of July last year. Getting back down to this weight has actually been much tougher than the first time, but now that I've passed this little barrier I forsee much better times ahead. Plus, my body fat percentage and waist measurement is smaller now than it was last year when I was at this same weight. As always, you can check out my BFL Progress at any time.

Saturday, April 3, 2004

Worst. Night. Ever. --
Man, I had a HORRIBLE night last night. Yes, the music by Armin Van Buuren was excellent. Yes, the hotties were out and about in full force. And, yes, I had a ton of drink tickets so I didn't have to pay for any alcohol. But, fuck, I was sick as a dog all night long. I don't know what it was exactly, but I felt like I had to puke even though all I had was three drinks and wasn't even buzzed.

This just killed my entire night, as I had no desire at all to dance and even less of a desire to talk to anyone. I actually had a couple of cute girls come up to me and talk and I pretty much blew them off. Bad, bad, bad stuff. I think my sickness had to do with gas in my stomach or something because whenever I would burp I would feel good for about the next 10 to 15 seconds before the illness would hit me hard again.

I was a trooper and stuck it out until 4:30AM hoping that I would just get a second wind or something, but I just go worse and worse. I feel fine right now and hope I can make up for last night's poor showing with a more enjoyable experience tonight. It's just that I'm not sure what made me sick last night, as I wasn't feeling ill before going out, so I have no idea if it'll hit me again. Oh, well, if all else fails I can pop a Cialis and just jerk off for 12 to 14 hours non-stop while watching the Discovery Channel. Rhinos fucking turn me on like you wouldn't believe.

Thursday, April 1, 2004

April Fool's Day is cancelled --
In today's "Dear Dave", I explain why I don't do any April Fool's jokes on this site, field some babe questions, and discuss topics about my sexual history, my use of "chicks" and "bitches" to refer to women, my hate for all things Arizona, tipping Ten15's Rheanna on her b-day, and more.

Two new DVDs --
Forgot to share the big news on DVD Tuesday, but I went ahead and picked up The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Reservoir Dogs on DVD. The first turned out to be better than anticipated, plus it had lots of good looks at Jessica Biel in tight jeans and a t-shirt. And the second, well, we all already know that it's a classic.