DaveZdyrko.com

I pull no punches in my bashing of the stomach-churning and vomit-inducing Twilight movies, but if they were to have a positive it’d be that there are some cute girls in these steaming piles of shit. While they don’t even make the movies even remotely worth watching, they’re quite easy on the eyes if you look at them outside of the atrocious films.

It also helps that at least one of these cuties is a typical young slut that sends dirty pictures to boyfriends that eventually get leaked. I love it and hope this phenomenon never ends. Not just for me, but for the girls that send them. If not for the photos, I wouldn’t know who Ashley Greene was and she wouldn’t be my Babe of the Week.

If I had been updating on the regular, in addition to hearing about all the drama, headaches and fun associated with having two different girls living with me and another dozen visiting over the past year, you would’ve heard me use the term “Boston Hot” quite a bit during my daily updates. What it means is that the girl is hot by Boston standards, but might fall anywhere in the below average to slightly above average ranks in other parts of the country, such as So-Cal, Texas, Arizona, or Florida.

The talent in this area is helped by the influx of college students in a very college-heavy city, but let’s be honest here — the beauty drawn to BC, BU, UMass or Harvard just isn’t the same as you’ll get in places such as UT, ASU, FSU or UCLA. It’s not like I’m complaining, though. There are a lot of excellent 6s and 7s that while still technically out of my league are often more approachable than their hotter cousins, the 8s and 9s. Of course, there’s also the local-born 5s with the New England attitude that shoot me down with the always-ego-raising “you’re too fat” quicker than the 10s in LA would, as they would often wait to find out if I was someone important before making the decision to blow me off rather than blow me.

What I’m getting at with this is that it’s rare to find someone as hot as Kelly Karloff in the state of Massachusetts or the New England area. There are other 9s and 10s, but they’re honestly few and far between. That and the fact that she’d be a dime in any other state makes this girl an obvious Babe of the Week.

Before getting to the Babe of the Week (for last week), just wanted to say that I hate New Moon. Okay, I haven’t seen it yet, but I already know I will because I don’t foresee it changing the formula much from the first. The first movie made me want to take a hammer to my testicles it was so vomit-inducing — the baseball scene alone was gayer than anything in Brokeback Mountain. The only reason girls think it’s good is cause Jacob and Edward makes their vagina’s moist.

While I sort of get it, as seen by my Jessica Alba DVD collection, I would never claim that any of those movies are actually good. I admit openly that the movies suck and I only watch them cause of Jessica Alba. Just wish girls would do the same with this ambiguously gay vampire movie.

Anyway, the female lead in it is kinda cute and even though her acting in the movies leaves a lot to be desired, it wouldn’t stop me from doing unspeakable things to each of Kristen Stewart’s five fuckable orifices. If you need me to tell you what the five are, then I’m not sure you’re reading the right blog. I’ll leave it at that.

I keep hoping that I can either land a video game job in Florida or have the company I work for open up a branch in the State because I have a serious addiction to FL girls. The year round warm weather that causes the need to always stay fit and in shape not only brings the hotties, it helps form them. Moving there would also have the added benefit of being able to get season tickets to the Miami Hurricanes and Dolphins, but I digress, we’re talking about the State’s obnoxious plethora of tight bodied beauties here.

A perfect example of what the Sunshine State has to offer is the lovely Elaine Alden, a fine product of Miami, FL that apparently resides in Orlando. She is a perfect example of what I love about Florida and why I figure I ought to live there some day. She’s one of the hottest girls around and more than worthy of being named my Babe of the Week.

I may have put my initial backing behind another girl, but I won’t lose any sleep if Stevie Lynn ends up winning Maxim’s Hometown Hotties contest for 2009. The truth is that they’re both quite worthy of starring in your own personal in-brain pornographic movies or imaginary relationships, depending on whatever tends to float your boat. Either way, Stevie is a straight dime and gets to add a Babe of the Week to her resume regardless of whether or not she finishes atop the “other” contest.

Halloween was an epic fail for the most part. After a two-hour wait in line, I wasn’t able to get into Gypsy because of the aforementioned “New Years Eve Incident” and then after an hour wait to get into Estate they decided to shut down the line and stop letting people in. As such, the main highlights of the evening was seeing the smoking hot Brazilian chick from Miami (probably the hottest girl I’ve seen in Boston), seeing some drunk blonde chick take a nose dive while trying to step over the ropes in front of Estate (she fell and went face first into the pavement, likely breaking her nose), and finally my boy Harris, who was dressed as a cop, dealing with this extremely emotional drunk guy.

The latter was by far one of the most comical events I’ve witnessed in a long time. Harris’ cop costume was so good that even the real Boston cops thought he was real and were left impressed. People all night were thinking he was the real deal, including this drunk guy that got kicked out of Estate and was desperately trying to get in contact with his boys. He started begging Harris to help him out because he thought he was a real police officer and Harris played the part perfectly. This shit went on for at least 15 minutes and Harris even had the guy try and do his ABC’s backwards at one point and this made me just lose it and have to turn around and cover my mouth to keep the laughter down.

The guy never caught on that Harris wasn’t a real cop and my boy kept in character the entire time. There was even this point where the guy was in tears begging Harris to put him in jail because he was from Lawrence, MA and this was his first time ever in Boston and didn’t want to sleep on the streets. He was in tears, constantly calling him sir, apologizing, and just begging relentlessly for assistance. He kept saying how he wasn’t really that drunk and that while he does get belligerent some times that he didn’t deserve to be kicked out (I’ve been there before!). It was just beyond comical and saved what was ultimately a complete failure of a night.

One of my favorite things about Halloween is that it gives me a chance to show my wit and humor in what I’m wearing and that makes it significantly easier to get past what’s often the hardest challenge with picking up chicks — the opening. For this year’s festivities, I went with a gift tag that said “To: Women, From: God” and a bow on my head…with the idea being that I’m “God’s Gift To Women” (you can see the photo in the post below). It was a huge hit Friday and Saturday nights and I got compliments on how clever it was and how it was the best costume they’ve seen from about 30 or so guys and girls.

While it didn’t help me much last night, as I was unable to get into Gypsy after a two hour wait in line because the bouncers still remembered the “New Year’s Eve Incident” from 11 months ago, it had the ultimate success Friday night at a couple of bars around where I live near Faneuil Hall. It proved to be a great opener and I was able to get about a half dozen girls to kiss me as a reward for my cleverness.

That initially looked like it would be the peak of it, because at some point I realized I was beyond shit-faced and needed to head home and call it a night. Even though I was a just a few blocks from my apartment building I got lost and tried to sleep on the sidewalk, but then a really nice guy and girl were super cool and helped me up and hailed a cab for me. At this point, I thanked them and got in…but this is where the night turned around heavily in my favor.

Just as I was telling the cab driver my address, the door opens and this smoking hot blonde jumped in. The driver said that the cab’s already taken and she replied, “I’m going with him”. Drunk out of my mind and dumbfounded, I just gave her and confused look, to which she said, “I want my gift.” Not quite all there, I didn’t get it and replied, “huh?”. She then pointed at my gift tag and then the light bulb went off in my head and it started to make some sense. Apparently, she saw me a few times during the night, loved the costume, thought it was extremely clever and kept hoping I’d talk to her — I don’t ever remember seeing her or else I would have tried.

Sadly, most of the events are fairly blurry. We made out some in the cab, we hooked up when we got back to my place, and then around 8AM I woke up next to her perfect naked body. I debated snapping a bunch of pictures with my iPhone, but my non-creepy half (okay, maybe it’s a non-creepy 1/8th) won out and I just went back to sleep. A little before 1PM, she woke up and got out of bed to go to the bathroom and then when she came back to the room to get dressed, I was able to confirm that in the sunlight and even after a night of heavy drinking, that this girl was beautiful — perfect from head-to-toe. Turned out to be a sweet girl, too, as I was fully expecting her to embarrassingly bolt as soon as she realized “what” she had done, but she simply got dressed, gave me a forehead kiss and said, “Thanks for last night, I’m gonna head out.”

And, that was that. No names were ever exchanged. I probably will never see her again and even if I did, I don’t even know how I’d react. Nevertheless, a huge win in my book and by far the hottest girl I’ve had since moving to Boston.