DaveZdyrko.com

My friend Lauralyn showed me some website this weekend that had allegedly real user-submitted text messages that were often quite hilarious and it made me go check my txt message logs to see what funny ones I’ve had over the years. Here’s a sample of some of the funny ones that I noticed…and keep in mind that these are 100% real and all currently on my iPhone SMS logs.

1: Where are you? Were leavin and want to say bye. DON’T BRRAK ANYTHING

1: U hung up
1: Call back
1: Bitch
2: Hold. we’re having roach issues. fucking justin killed three so far. omg

1: What’s wrong?
2: Got my penis stuck in a blow up doll
1: Hahahahaha weird me too

1: Ok I gottq go to sleep. Reeeeally weird. Cat locked in room. Guy on couch. Ugh don’t want anyone in my house.

1: U know!!! Yayyy log you
2: Log me… Hahaha. Read your last text

1: I have herpes
2: So what do you want me to do?
2: There is always valtrex

1: Drunk ass!!! Lol!
2. He’s lying. Only the srippers r drunk
1: Lol yeah those dirty herpes srippers

1. Pick up some condoms on the way cuz I’m all outt
2. what size?
1. idk you tell me. it’s never been in my mouth.

1: I am here baby. In the taxi now. Should I give the Indian guy or Punjabi road head? maybe I can get half off my taxi ride.
2: No way! Good chance all the cabbies in Boston have herpes from me already.
1: Yeah I see some crabs on the seats.
2: If you see one with a gangsta limp, tell donnie I said hey

1. The strippers say hi
2: Ahhh you bastard! Haha. The wife would kill me. Slap that ass for me!

1: Hujiuuuiiiii
2: Hey hey!
1: Wioiiiiiioooo
2: Haha drunk?
1: Nevertrrtttt

1: nudes?
2: anal?
1: omg ilu marry me now <3

1: I just got mcdonalds eww
2: Lol eww
1: I knooow
2: Maybe it’ll go right to ur tits
1: Let’s hope!

1. sent nudes!!
2. eww your belly is HUGE!
1. ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!
1. omg slitting wrists
2. the wrists aren’t the prob, i’d start with that half inch you can pinch
1. ASS!

1. plane landed!!
2. yayyyy can’t wait to meat you!
1. LOL funny typo.
2. umm not a typo
1. Who says I’d say yes??
2. Jack Daniels.
1. Fair enough

1. spread eagle?
2. nooooo I’m on my period!
1. even better!!!!

1. shit dude. wher teh fuckk r u?
2. Think I’m just going to stay in and watch shit on the DVR.
1. ummm, there are 3 nekkid strppers on the couuch and an 8ball of blow on the coffee tableee
2. dvr paused!

1. Dude wall to wall pussy at target ;p
2. Any of it on sale?

1. That was quick
2. That’s what she said!

1. How is it inside?
2. kinda sucks. the ratio is good but talent level is mediocre
1. Shit man, come outside we’ll hit up another place.
2. Be right out.
2. oh shit. nvm come in. drunk bachelorette just slipped and practically took her hot friend’s top off.
1. niiice! easy targets!

As if we even needed more proof that Hugh Hefner is a God among men, he had to go ahead and add a couple of hot 19 year old blonde twins to his stable of bitches to slam home the point even more. Despite getting up there in years, Hef still manages to see more twat than your average gynecologist — and a much higher standard of twat than what the typical gynecologist likely sees.

Anyway, he’s the man and his newest girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon are the latest additions to my Babe of the Week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I have, albeit it won’t likely be as much as Hef current is. Oh, well, we all can’t be God.

The best thing about watching Gossip Girl is that it typically offers good fodder for the Spank Bank™. I’ve already showcased one of the show’s many fine actresses (the underage one, obviously) and now I’m posting a second as my Babe of the Week.

This week’s special is the 5′10″ blonde beauty that goes by the name of Blake Lively. She’s a mad hot girl with some wicked long legs and is hella bangable.