DaveZdyrko.com

If you’re on Facebook you’ve probably seen that “25 Things You Might Not Know About Me” notes or been tagged in one or a million. They’re usually annoying but I was wicked bored yesterday and decided to do one myself. And since it took up a lot of my time, I figured I might as well share it here, as well.

1. I’m a convicted felon and college dropout, yet I’ve been able to bounce back and have a fairly prolific career that has seen my wages substantially increase in each of the past 10 years. I owe it to a lot of hard work, a huge brain, and the ability to suck dick better than any porn star, choir boy, sailor or Boy Scout.

2. My friends have never been able to successfully guess my felony conviction primarily because they all apparently think I’m some kind of a sexual deviant. While I am a pervert, I haven’t yet been convicted of any crimes related to this truism.

3. I have never had sex while both my partner and I were completely sober. Hence, I believe I subconsciously associate getting drunk with getting laid and have turned into a full-fledged alcoholic. I try to tell my subconscious that getting too drunk has often kept me from getting laid, but he doesn’t listen.

4. I’ve had sex more in Los Angeles than any other city even though I’ve never lived there. And despite the fact that two of the unfortunate souls were models and absolute Dimes, I haven’t yet found a good enough reason to make the move even though I would love to live there someday.

5. My masturbation record is 27 times in a single 24 hour period. It was raining outside, I couldn’t find anything good to watch on TV and I just wanted to see how many times I could do it.

6. I’d really love to write screenplays and books some day and have at least six different screenplay ideas that I’ve put a lot of thought into. I only have titles for two — “A Day in the Life (and Mind) of Dave Z” and “The Joke Called Love”, which is a romantic comedy. I haven’t figured out the name of the action/thriller trilogy script yet, but think Will Smith would make the perfect protagonist/villain for it based on his performances in recent un-Will Smith-like roles.

7. I’ve managed to luck into two threesomes in my otherwise lacking sexual history. One of the girls had been “using” me to improve her sexual aptitude and she brought along her friend a couple nights so she could show her some pointers while on top. I had absolutely no complaints and am willing to be used by any cute girl looking to improve her own skills.

8. I have never had a Valentine’s Day date.

9. My penis has actually never made physical contact with the inside of a woman’s vagina, so even though I’ve had sex I argue that I can consider myself a virgin. If you’re confused, I’m just saying that I’ve never had sex without a condom.

10. My most impressive drinking exploit has been chugging an entire 1.5 liter bottle of tequila in one swig and chasing it down with a six pack of Sam Adams all in less than two minutes. Even more impressive was the fact that I woke up early for work the next morning without a hangover. Sadly, I performed the remarkable act again the following night but woke up on some stranger’s porch covered in my own blood head-to-toe and with a wretched hangover.

11. I cry every time the dad dies while flying his plane into the alien spaceship in Independence Day despite the fact that the scene isn’t really all that emotional and the Randy Quaid-portrayed character was laughably bad.

12. I thought Heath Ledger would someday be nominated for an Oscar after I first watched 10 Things I Hate About You.

13. The first celebrity I ever masturbated to was Heather Locklear and it was back when she was a hot young 21 year old. I can’t stand her now don’t understand why people still think she’s hot.

14. I only got drunk a grand total of two times before my 25th birthday. Once while drinking Amaretto and Dr Pepper on a High School trip and once while celebrating getting laid off with a friend at Ruby Tuesdays. The second time was when I first started my “chugging” addiction because I didn’t like the taste of beer and because the Sex on the Beach’s tasted like Kool-aid.

15. The genesis of my alcoholism was in having to test Magic Knight Rayearth for the Sega Saturn while working as Webmaster and System Admin at Working Designs in Redding, CA (which at the time was apparently the Meth and Child Molestation capital of the world according to roadside billboards). It irritated me so much that I headed to the grocery store and spent my entire $20 food budget for the month on cheap hard liquor. I haven’t been the same since.

16. I gave the Lindsay Lohan diet a try for a month but ended up gaining 20 lbs.

17. I still haven’t eaten at the legendary Freemont Denny’s. Only a few of my closest friends will get this…

18. I consider Tivo (DVR technology) to be one of the single greatest innovations of the past 20 years. Yet at the same time I think it’s had a negative overall impact on my life because now I watch more TV than I ever did before.

19. I could “survive” without them but I’d be miserable without a cell phone and Internet access for an extended period of time.

20. I can’t believe how long doing this is taking.

21. One of my current addictions is video chatting with Erin Ray.

22. I’ve already been kicked out of five or six different bars or clubs in Boston and was banned from drinking alcohol at Matt Murphy’s pub in Brookline (I think the ban ended at the turn of the New Year). I’m shocked that Gypsy still lets me in and often gives me VIP treatment even though I’ve been kicked out of that particular club a half-dozen times already and often threaten to “kill” the bouncers when they won’t let me back in.

23. This is the age I generally start losing interest in women…

24. This is the number of hours per day I think about sex…

25. I have aspirations to travel to both London and Amsterdam this year. I’m certain that at least one will happen, but will hopefully do both.