An April Fool’s Mailbag

I won’t be doing anything for April Fool’s just because it’s expected and most things people do these days are pretty dumb. So, if I happen to win the $135 million Mega Millions jackpot tonight, I’ll probably wait until April 2nd to announce that I’m a rich bitch that will be traveling the world to bang out as many different ho’s in each of the world’s 195 different countries. In the meantime, here’s a fool-less update to “Dear Dave” for your reading pleasure. Contact me if you want to be included in future incarnations.

Dear Dave: I’m sorry, did you say that none of the girls in Enchanted were hot? You realize that Amy Adams was in that movie, right? Bro, I would score my dong with a rusty razor blade and roll it in kosher salt just to sniff her panties.
-AlienDave (New Hampshire)

Dave Z: She’s cute but I don’t think her character’s personality helped her perception with me. Your rusty blade comment is a winner, however, and moved her up on my list by association.

Dear Dave: With respect to your obesity have you ever considered liposuction or, God forbid, gastric bypass surgery? If not why not? You use cheat codes in video games, right? This is exactly the same thing. Just take out a loan from the bank and go for it!
-Bill Rowland (London, Ontario)

Dave Z: I would never consider liposuction because I think it’s pointless to do unless you fixed the shit the made you a fat ass in the first place. I’ve read too many stories of fatties who got lipo only to put the weight back on before they eventually had to go under the knife again. That might be a plan if I pissed oil and shit gold, but since my excrement is typical of most humans it’s just not economically feasible.

The same pretty much goes with the gastric bypass. And even though the stapling of the stomach will make it harder for me to keep my bad habits, I can see myself binge eating afterwards to the point where I rip my stomach apart and I end up worm food. Hell, there have been times with my current stretched out stomach that I was worried it was about to pop enough to google it to see if it was possible.

The bottom line is that I just need to fix myself and I know it’s something that I can do because I’ve done it before. Not sure why I’m having so much trouble getting started lately, but I honestly don’t think taking the easy way out would be in the best interest of my mental and physical well being.

Plus, I don’t have the money nor do I have the credit to get the loans for any of that shit. My biggest fear with losing weight right now is the loose skin dilemma and trying to get the cash to deal with that mess. I might end up trying out the whole gay male escort thing since they make mad bank in SF — even the fatties since there’s a “Bear” market.

Dear Dave: Hey, big fan here, but have you ever seen the movie based on my life? It’s called “The Last King of Scotland” and I suggest you check it out. Well what I really want to know is about your roomates. If I remember correctly you said one of them has a kid — wouldn’t that crimp you’re gangsta life style and don’t you think you might be a real bad influence (at times) on a youngster? So can you share some details about these roomies, their dependents, criminal histories, and your feelings towards them? I mean, you make plenty of dough so why not get yourself a killer fuck pad (pardon my language) in downtown San Fran? That’s what I’d do but I suppose not everybody is as cool as me, Africa’s number one “big man”.
-Idi Amin (
Kampala, Uganda)

Dave Z: Loved the movie, you’re a bad ass mother fucker. You could’ve taken it a bit easier on that bitch that cheated on you with the white dude…that was a bit harsh what you did to her. I would’ve just kept her alive as a sex slave and not mutilate her.

But, hey, I’m a great influence on the kid. Even though he can’t understand me, I’m always there to explain to him what it’s like in the real world, so he doesn’t grow up thinking life is all gay and joyful like in Doodlebops or Higglytown Heroes. He’s only like 18 months so I haven’t treated him to his first beer yet, but you best believe Uncle Dave will be the one to introduce him to the joy of alcohol. I’ll help him get the alcohol and all he’ll have to do is bring over the hot young high school girl ass when the time comes. Sure, I’ll be in my late 40s by the time he’s 16, but I’m fairly certain I will never lose my love for beautiful young women so that’s a non-issue. ;)

As for the roommies cramping my style, it’s not a problem because I’ve done that by myself for the most part. I’ve gone out locally only 2 or 3 times in the past couple of years, as most of my rockstar partying tends to happen when I’m on trips to either Ft Lauderdale/Miami, Los Angeles or New York. The reason for this is the dumb ass decision to move closer to work. Now that I live in San Rafael, I save about an hour every day driving to and from work, which has been a HUGE stress relief. The commute was evil and caused me more headaches and stress than you’d ever wish upon your worst enemy. That said, it’s destroyed my party life in SF because it’s such a hassle to drive into the city to party and then drive drunk back home (or not drink too much when I party). It’s basically turned me into a stay-at-home alcoholic, which sucks.

I will debate moving back into the city once my lease runs out, but it’s so expensive to live alone in the city and would probably only do it with a roommate (maybe a hot young college girl…). Even a small 200 sq foot studio that would barely fit my bed might run upwards of $2,000/month in a semi-decent neighborhood in the city. For the same price, I could buy a 10BR mansion in some other parts of the country.

Dear Dave: I don’t know if this is your area of expertise, but I will ask anyway. I have a new office at my job, and the guy in the office next to me steals my things. I don’t know what to do. I am 100% sure about this. Today I dropped a piece of paper in his office and he just kept it. This actually happened last week as well.

What is he doing with all my things? When will he return them? Does this guy hate me, or is he just messing with me? I am really concerned, as I do not want to get off on the wrong foot with this new neighbor.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Dave Z: It’s quite obvious that this guy hates you and wishes you were dead. My suggestion would be to leave $20 on his desk every morning as a bribe to keep him from killing you. Now get back to work, Anthony!

Dear Dave: What’s your thoughts on who the Dolphins should take with the first pick of the draft?
– Chris (Ohio)

Dave Z: I just know that I don’t want them to take Matt Ryan. I’ve seen him play a lot since BC has been in Miami’s conference and I just don’t get all the hype. I think he’s just a product of there not being a clear franchise QB in this year’s draft.

With Ryan out of the picture, it pretty much comes down to Jake or Chris Long and I honestly could go either way with those two. You can’t argue with having a stud LT and the Giants showed you what a dominant defensive line can mean to winning championships.

Part of me also wants them to consider McFadden just because he’s the consensus “best player” in the draft and it scares me whenever someone like this gets passed over because of someone picking based on “needs”. Sam Bowie filled a need, but I bet Portland wishes it would’ve picked Jordan and just figured out how to have him play alongside Drexler or just traded him. If McFadden is Jordan (or Adrian Peterson, Barry Sanders, etc), it would suck to pass on him even though we have a Ronnie Brown (Drexler).

A trade down would be the best because any of the five or six top players seem interchangeable. However, because this is the case it’s less likely that someone will feel the need to really move up so trading down isn’t easy.

As for the 2nd pick…I kind of like Chad Henne. Even though I would love to see more of John Beck, it doesn’t hurt to have options and depth.

Dear Dave: What would be your pick for best sex scene ever in a regular movie? Not porn.
-Adam (Wichita, KS)

Dave Z: Without doing research and most likely ignoring some great ones, the first that jumps to mind would be the one in the lame Basic Instinct sequel where Michael Douglas wraps the girl’s hair around his wrist before yanking her head back unexpectedly and forcefully while taking her all caveman style from behind. I stood up and gave him a standing ovation for that killer move. I hope to include it in my repertoire of moves some day. I’ll just have to figure out if I should use it before or after my money move where I drip sweat all over my partner before using her hair to dry me off.

If you would like your question answered in a future update to “Dear Dave”, fell free to contact me.

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