Dear Dave Bears It All

If you believe in the myth that size doesn’t matter, then you’ll probably love this update to “Dear Dave”. In fact, you might find that this QA session might just prove that myth to be at least correct on this occasion. Feel free to contact me any time with any question you have to get a response in a future update.

Dear Dave:That last update gave me 3 things to write to you about.

1. Enchanted. Great movie. I felt kind of homo for seeing it in theaters with another dude, but I liked it a lot. What ‘d you think?

2. Lost Odyssey. What do you think? I’m guessing your marathon session means you’d recommend it, but I feel like its reviews have been somewhat mediocre. But, I haven’t played a good JRPG since FFXII 6 months ago and haven’t played one with a traditional-ish battle system since Xenosaga III more than a year ago, so I am intrigued and want to know what you think about it.

3. Miley Cyrus. Dude, she’s total jailbait and you should just embrace it. I still watch the Disney Channel (something I don’t usually publicize since I’m 21), and a couple years back, I saw a preview for Hannah Montana and saw her strutting her stuff. I thought, “Wow, she’s pretty hot. I wonder how old she is.” So I IMDb-ed her, found out she was 13, and felt really awkward and creepy. Since then, I’ve come to peace with my creepiness and just accepted she’d be worth breaking the law for… Side question, how do you find out her/all other famous celebrity’s weight? It’s not on IMDb, so I feel like its secret info that you just somehow have access to.

Well, that was really long, but whatever, I guess it’ll make your Dear Dave more interesting.
– VK (Chicago, IL)

Dave Z: Well, here goes…

1) Seeing that with another dude is slightly homo unless you missed school and/or work to see it and you obeyed the 1 seat straight buffer. But, yeah, it’s definitely a bit on the Swiss side, but a damn good movie nonetheless. I had zero intention of watching it and was gearing up to hate on it after being forced to by my roommies, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience even though none of the chicks were hot. Some of the shit that came out of their mouths just cracked me up like you wouldn’t believe. It was genius at some points.

2) I love Lost Odyssey. I read the reviews and don’t agree at all with the majority of them. So many bashed it for being a traditional-style Japanese RPG and that’s honestly what about it that makes my cooch moist. There’s nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned battle system and it shouldn’t be bashed just because it’s not “next-gen” in that respect. I actually hate a lot of the “next-gen” type improvements that are being put in some of the newer RPGs.

Instead of bashing it for not being innovative in this respect, give it some praise for doing what it does really well. At least for the first 30 or so hours of the game, you really must use your head and be strategic how you fight most enemies — not just bosses. You get rewarded for fighting intelligently rather than just doing all attacks and whatnot.

I also love how they dealt with the one of the major issues that face practically all RPGs — the leveling up/grinding and how it affects boss battle difficulty. Again, for the first 30 or so hours of the game, there really is no level grinding because of the way they handled the experience points based on where you’re at in the game. Most dungeons have a base level that they think you should be at and if you’re below that, your characters will basically go up a level every single battle until you’re there. But when you’re past it, the experience points earned and levels gained are minimal so you won’t get overly powered for the next level.

This helped create an extremely balanced play experience for most of the game. I say most because there is a point towards the end where you can grind and get high enough of a level and get enough skills where most enemies, including the final boss, is a cake walk. Nevertheless, the developers should get major props in the form of Jessica Alba blow jobs for doing something so “innovative” for solving this problem in RPGs. The other way that it’s been tackled is to always have the monsters’ levels based on your party’s levels and that just never worked out all that great. Anyway, I really enjoyed the game and think it’s a must-play for fans of JRPGs.

3) I honestly do. I write some shit to keep the feds off my back. Plus, I’m of the belief that celebrity females don’t count when it comes to certain laws. They’re fair game! So, yeah, I’d take the prison sentence to hit that. ;)

As far as the celebrity weights, let’s just say that when a girl sits on my face I can guess her weight down to a tenth of an ounce. It’s one of my super powers.

Dear Dave: So how pissed where you after the Canes lost yesterday? Was it as bad when they got jobbed by the ref against OSU??
— Carlos (Miami, FL)

Dave Z: I actually wasn’t the least bit pissed at all and enjoyed the game (at least the last four minutes) tremendously. I even gave my boys a standing ovation after the final buzzer because they deserved it for the amazing season they had. It was a lot of fun watching them play and to see them get wins in both the ACC & NCAA tourneys was hella dope. I couldn’t be happier about the season they gave me.

Dear Dave: You seem to like all sports, this include NASCAR? If so, like any drivers?
— Rogg (NC)

Dave Z: I enjoy NASCAR quite a bit. I think it might be partially due to my 6+ years of living in Dover, DE where the population increases tenfold whenever there’s a race at Dover Downs. As far as the drivers, I’m a fan of Jeff Gordon mainly because I everyone seemed to boo him and hate on him, so I thought it was fun to cheer for him. Plus, he’s a damn fine driver. I also like seeing Tony Stewart win cause he’s an ass and I like that about him.

Dear Dave: My girl won’t let me do her in the bum. I’ve never done it before but wanna see what it’s all about. Any suggestions on how to get her to let me?

Dave Z: First things, I hope you’re not using the word “bum” when you ask for it. If you are, being a bit more Alpha-male about things and just saying, “listen bitch, I’m fucking you in the ass tonight, you best eat light today and consider getting yourself an enema,” might help your cause.

If the aggressive approach isn’t your style and you don’t think you could pull it off convincingly, then my suggestion would be to Pearl Harbor her ass. Just get her drunk to the point where she’s half-asleep, get her to have consensual drunken sex with you and then do a sneak attack on the back door and claim that it was an accident if she has issue with it. Most likely she’ll be too drunk to care or better yet she’ll enjoy it and want it more. Good luck!

If you would like your question answered in a future update to “Dear Dave”, fell free to contact me.

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