DaveZdyrko.com

I must be losing my touch because I haven’t been into the newest batch of teen pop stars as much I was during the Lindsay/Hilary, Britney/Christina, or Debbie/Tiffany days. I guess Britney’s fall from grace has burned me some and that’s not a good thing!

My lack of interest has almost made me miss out on some glorious (legal) teenage ass, such as my newest Babe of the Week, Vanessa Hudgens. That would’ve been a bad thing because this petite lil sweetheart is one of those kinky types that send nudes to her boyfriend. God bless her and every other girl that does the same!

I believe it was the night of Tuesday, June 19th, and I was about halfway through a 1.5L bottle of Smirnoff when my friend Jackie IM’d me saying that I should come visit her in New York City for the weekend. I was drunk enough that I said, “sure!” and followed up by booking a flight and hotel for the upcoming weekend despite a mere 72 hours notice.

I had never really been “in” NYC before, so I figured why the hell not. I went ahead and set myself up with a decent hotel in downtown Manhattan, the Millennium Hilton right next to Ground Zero for 9/11, and then just prepared myself the best I could for the unplanned weekend getaway.

Things didn’t start off too great, however. Here’s what I wrote about “The Plane Trip From Hell”:

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I said they’d go 16-0 back when they got Randy Moss and they did. I guess that makes me a genius! Only problem here is that I’m a Miami Dolphin fan, so while I may revel in my genius in predicting 16-0 for the Pats, I must also deal with the pain I feel caused by one of my least favorite teams finishing with a perfect regular season.  At least it’s not the Jets!

Whatever happened to it? For whatever reason (bored, horny, etc), I’ve been on a bit of a sex tape hunt the past 24 hours. One of them that I have had no luck checking out is the apparently dirty and hardcore sex tape with Olivia Mojica, a top 24 finalist from American Idol.

I followed about 100 pages of links, but couldn’t find anything. Every site that had posted pictures and/or videos from it either had broken links or notices that the content was removed do to copyright reasons. The official Vivid site for it has a big “coming soon” image and it appears that it was supposed to be released way back in May. A couple of sites reported that its release was delayed indefinitely, but I couldn’t find much follow-up. So…what the fuck happened to it?

With the fake birthday of Jesus now behind us (he was really born around September 29, 5 B.C. and not the same day as the Roman Sun God that we worship every Christmas, you fucking God-hating pagans!), the next big birthday is mine on March 5th. I’ll be 35 years old and it just hit me that I don’t yet have a good victory pose.

As my good friend Abe says, “everyone needs a victory pose”. Yet, I still don’t have one. I’ve tried a bunch, but nothing that I would really call “mine”. I tend to use the NPH in Harold & Kumar or the arms raised, head looking up while on your knees pose from Platoon. They work but they’re not “mine” and that sucks. I need a good Victory Pose!

Just in case one of you wants the beautiful singing in the video below without the video, here’s the brilliant recording in a strictly audio format. Yeah, I know, I’m one of the greatest vocalists that has ever walked this green Earth!

With a little Christmas vodka in my blood to get me in the true holiday spirit, I’ve decided to sing a few Christmas songs for your viewing and listening displeasure! Straight from my heart and all the way through to my liver, I wish each and every one of you a very Merry Christmas! (or Happy Tuesday if you’re Jewish or just don’t celebrate this shit!)

After some research, I’ve since learned that she’s been a big deal in the fashion industry since the late ’90s. But, truth be told, the lovely Miranda Kerr has been known to me as simply “that new Victoria’s Secret Angel” for much of the past year. For names matter not when you’re dealing with imaginative sexual relationships with women you’ve never once met.

The only reason I even bothered myself with a name was that I felt like making her Babe of the Week and the Google results for “that cute Victoria’s Secret chick that Dave Z jerks it to” didn’t turn up with enough pictures of her. So I found her name and she’s now the Babe of the Week so that’ll hopefully keep the friction going long enough to keep you warm for the holidays.

I still didn’t have that great of a week following Body-for-Life. I got my ass into the gym four times this past week, which is an increase from the week before, but still a couple short from where I need to be. My food selection was also improved from last week, but also not where it needs to be. Nevertheless, I dropped about 1.6 lbs, so that’s better than gaining weight at this point so I’ll take it! I’ve got no excuses for not making it to the gym six days this week because I’m on vacation from work and work’s usually been my excuse for not making it to the gym.

I rented X-Men: The Official Game from Gamefly.com because I’m a complete achievement whore and it was supposed to be an “easy 1000″. The decision to rent and play this game has been one of the biggest fuck ups in my entire life. I’m not even joking. While my life has been paved with mistakes, such as my felony conviction and every time I shove food down my throat like a pig, none  have made me regret my actions even half as much as I feel for renting this game.

It’s god awful. A big steaming pile of shit. It’s one of the worst games I’ve played. Ever. And this is coming from someone who reviewed more than 400 games for the PS & PS2 while at IGN.com and has been playing games on pretty much every platform since the Atari 2600. Trying to force my way through this game to get the 1000 achievement points is the most excruciating challenge I’ve yet faced. Taking a hammer to my testicles while someone’s shoving a German pick axe up my ass while my head is submerged in bear feces would be a significantly more enjoyable experience than playing this piece of crap.